I’ve heard this saying, “good girls (or nice girls) finish last.” I’m not sure about the veracity of that statement, but I do think that strong women face challenges in finding love. Often I hear that men are intimated by strong women like myself.
When a guy was enquiring about me (wise men do this!), he was told, by a man and a woman, that I had a strong personality… as if to imply that a strong personality was not a good trait for a wife. His male friend said, “Kimberly is pretty, but she has a strong personality.”
Well, when I heard those “raving’ reviews (sarcasm here), I was perturbed! From an early age, my father encouraged me to own my opinions and to bravely share them. He was proud of my strong personality. I was not ashamed of my strengths, but was my strong personality keeping a man from pursuing me? 🤔
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What would make a man feel intimated by a strong woman?
- He is weighed down by his own failures and insecurities as a man.
- When he compares his struggles and your victories, he may feel unworthy, especially in the sexual area.
- He’s afraid that you will see yourself as his superior and not respect him.
- He may feel that he’s not good enough for you.
- He has had poor experiences with strong women (mother, sisters, boss, etc) in his life who have belittled and battered him.
His fears about marrying a strong woman:
- Will you follow his lead?
- Would he be respected as the head of the home?
- Will you be able to submit to him?
- Would your home be one of peace or of war?
- Would you value his opinions?
Here are 3 tips when your strong personality is hindering love:
1) God will bring the man who is secure enough to handle your strong personality.
You may not be every man’s cup of tea, but at least one man may appreciate your strong personality. He may admire you for it, instead of wanting to reject you or stifle you. It takes a strong and secure man to have that sort of mindset. Men like that do exist!
However, you need to know which aspects of your strong personality need to be tempered and in which circumstances. Wisdom is needed.
Positives aspects of having a strong personality: opinionated, courageous, decisive, confident and determined.
Negative aspects of having a strong personality: controlling, rebellious to authority and aggressive.
Women in Bible with strong personalities who were wise and honorable: Deborah and Abigail. Women in Bible with strong personalities who were wicked: Jezebel
God can use your strong personality for good when it is under the control of the Holy Spirit.
2) Embrace softness and not see it as a sign of weakness.
The truth is that most men do not want to marry a masculine woman … in looks, in behaviour or in attitude. Opposites do attract!
Factors that have contributed to the hardness of the average modern woman (in the Western hemisphere):
- The abuses that women have suffered at the “hands” of men who were tyrants in their homes and society instead of protectors.
- You might have been directly abused by men in your own life.
- Your father did not protect you as he should have so you learnt to be hard to survive.
- You have been burnt one time too many by former boyfriends, so your heart became hard toward men.
- The mother-figures in your life have passed down their aggression and mistrust of men to you.
- You became an aggressive woman to thrive in your career.
The main solution to this problem is to allow God to heal your heart; forgive the men who have wronged you; and to renew your mind about biblical womanhood and biblical manhood as taught in the Bible. You don’t need to fight your battles on your own. God is able to fight on your behalf and do a much better job than you ever could (including advancing your career).
3) Apply a few tweaks to become a softer woman.
It is not easy task to unlearn false narratives about ourselves and about men. However, you need to if you are at attract and keep a quality godly man in your life.
Here are a few practical suggestions to becoming a softer woman:
Your outward appearance:
- Dress in softer brighter shades.
- Select materials that are soft to the touch or feminine to the cut.
- Watch your mannerisms, the way you walk and how you talk.
Your internal attitude:
- Value the opinions of others, especially the man you are interested in. You will not agree with everything that comes out of his mouth, but you can value his contributions, his character, his roles, his strengths, etc.
- Learn to sincerely compliment him and other men (and women too).
- Choose your battles wisely. You don’t need to win every debate!
- Learn to humbly admit when you’re wrong and ask for forgiveness.
- Don’t be afraid to show your emotions. It is not a sign of weakness! For instance, if a sad scene in a movie makes you want to cry, then cry! When I was younger, I would cry easily and feel ashamed about it. I silently made a vow to stifle that side of me which somewhat hardened my heart. God broke it and released me when I read the book, “Feminine Appeal: Seven Virtues of a Godly Wife and Mother” by Carolyn Mahaney. Thank Jesus for His deliverance!
- Embrace gentleness which is power under submission.
Summary
Your strength is an asset. It is simply a matter of how you use it. When it comes to romantic relationships, you can use your strength to enhance the relationship and be a blessing to those around you. On the other hand, you can be an aggressive woman who will advance in your career, but not necessarily attract a husband.
Most heterosexual Christian men are attracted to the tenderness of a woman. Therefore, I would suggest that you tap into your softer side because softness, is not only attractive, it is also a strength wrapped up in trusting in God to fight your battles.
To recap,
Here are 3 tips when your strong personality is hindering love:
- God will bring the man who is secure enough to handle your strong personality.
- Embrace softness and not see it as a sign of weakness.
- Apply a few tweaks to become a softer woman.
Thanks for stopping by!
#madeforlove
With love & laughter,
Kimberly Garth
Other Helpful Resources:
​6 Blind Spots Keeping Love Away
Top 5 Turn-offs for Single Men
Avoid 4 Traits If You Want A Great Marriage | Pre-marital Advice
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Recommended Books:
Feminine Appeal: Seven Virtues of a Godly Wife and Mother by Carolyn Mahaney
Brokenness, Surrender, Holiness: A Revive Our Hearts Trilogy by Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth
