You met a great guy and you felt a connection with him. You had a gut feeling that he liked you, but nothing happened. Was it your imagination that he was interested? Or you have one failed relationship after another. Now, you’re beginning to wonder if you are doing something unknowingly that is turning off men. Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be, or perhaps you need to deal with some issues that might be interfering with your love life.

From the article, ‘Top 5 Attractive Qualities That Single Men Want’, we got some insights into what eligible Christian bachelors want. On the flip side, we also want to know what are the top unattractive qualities that turn single men off. No one is perfect, man or woman, but there are just some qualities that will make a man want to run in the opposite direction.

1) Arrogance/Pride

A man is turned off by a woman who thinks that she’s better than him. You might be saying, ‘how will he know if I think that I’m better than him?’ That’s not too difficult.  If you have an arrogant heart, it will come out in what you say and in the way you behave. “For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.” (Matthew 12:34)

Signs of arrogance:

• You compare yourself with him in a way that elevates you and belittles him.
• You feel inclined to remind him repeatedly of his shortcomings so that he wouldn’t get a ‘swollen’ head.
• You think you are always right.
• You think that he’s lucky that you’re with him.
• You always have to win an argument.
• You focus on his failures while you minimize yours.
• You are critical and seem to have a propensity to find faults.
• You believe that you really don’t need him.  He’s just an accessory.
• You feel entitled to most of his time and money.
• You boast of what you know, who you’ve become and what you have accomplished.
• You are quick to blame others when something goes wrong.
• You are easily offended and unapproachable.
• You have a hard time admitting that you’re wrong and asking for forgiveness.

2) Unladylike and unkempt 

It is interesting to note that none of the men named a particular physical attribute like acne or small breasts or small buttocks as turn-offs.  We, women, go through all sorts of regimens and expense to modify our God-given assets. Nothing is wrong with enhancing what we have but perhaps we already possess what makes us beautiful.  In essence, the men want femininity.

“Femininity is a gentle, tender quality found in a woman’s appearance, manner, and nature. A feminine woman gives the impression of softness, and delicateness.”  By Helen Andelin in ‘Fascinating Womanhood’

A masculine man wants to be with someone who is different from himself.  Ladies, let’s be honest. You don’t want an effeminate man either. Opposites do attract. Regardless of how you look, you can become a beautiful woman to the right man if you learn to be more feminine. Think about the differences between men and women and accentuate those differences.

Signs that you are unladylike and unkempt:

• You speak in a rough, gruff manner.
• You are loud and raucous.
• Your odor is generally bad.
• Your appearance looks untidy.
• Your attire looks masculine.

3) Disrespect

Isn’t it strange that ‘respect’ was not in the ‘Top 5 Attractive Qualities That Single Men Want’?  My own thought is that so few men experience genuine respect these days that they don’t even know what it looks like.  However, they can sense disrespect immediately. I didn’t know how important this was for men until a few of my female mentors started to teach me about it. Furthermore, I had no clue what it looked like!

Young women today are at a disadvantage. The media glamorizes disrespect to men and it is even rampant in our homes.  Men are laughed at, scorned, embarrassed and ridiculed. To make matters worse, we have difficulty seeing the inhumanity of this behaviour. I remember once telling a guy that I loved him and then he asked, ‘but do you respect me?’ The men want us to show them respect.

Signs of disrespect:

• You embarrass him in public.
• You minimize his work and his contributions.
• You belittle him by making fun of him.
• You speak to him in an aggressive tone.
• You complain a lot.
• You criticize frequently.
• You want to be in control.
• You don’t appreciate his desire to protect you.

A good book to read is ‘Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs’ by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. Although it’s written for married couples, it will give us, single women, great insights into winning a man’s heart and keeping his heart won.  If you knowingly or unknowingly show disrespect now, there will unlikely be any wedding bells in the future or a happy marriage if there is one. “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” Ephesians 5:33

4) Lazy and unambitious

The opposite, hard-working and ambitious, did make it into the ‘Top 5 Attractive Qualities That Single Men Want’. This means that men really desire a helpmate.  He doesn’t want to do life alone, but he wants a woman to come alongside him so that they can excel as a family. If you’re a hard-working individual, you’ll thrive in whatever occupation you choose.

Signs of laziness and lack of ambition:

• You spend excessive amounts of time watching TV, cable or videos and/or playing games.
• Your room or house is generally in a mess.
• You depend on others to serve you instead of serving others.
• You have no current or future plans to develop yourself (skills, education or knowledge development).
• You see yourself as a victim and make excuses for your ‘unfortunate’ life.
• You dislike working hard.
• You neglect and complain about doing your chores.

5) Selfishness

‘Selfishness is the number one enemy of marriage’. I heard this saying on the radio and at a marriage conference. Men are wise to know that a selfish woman can mean the death of their future marriage. Could you imagine if both parties had a desire to serve the other instead of himself or herself? That’s just what a follower of Jesus should be. Jesus said that ‘the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve…’ (Mark 10:45). If you’re planning on focusing on yourself, you’ll probably be happier staying single.

Signs of Selfishness:

• You must have your needs met at the expense of others.
• You have a temper tantrum when you don’t get your way.
• You must have what you want when you want it.
• You’re not willing to sacrifice for others if it means that you’ll be inconvenienced.
• Your wants and needs are number one.
• You have difficulty apologising.
• You have difficulty saying ‘thank you’ or expressing appreciation.
• You do not appreciate the contribution of others.
• You don’t listen to the opinions of others.
• You don’t take responsibility for your own actions, but blame others.
• Everyone else must change, but you.
• You always want to be in control.
• You lack empathy for others.

You don’t need to be in a romantic relationship to evaluate how you’re doing with regard to the above qualities.  Observe your attitude and behavior towards persons in your life, like your parents, siblings, friends, roommates/housemates, co-workers, bosses and leaders. What do these persons say to you or about you?  Do you show disrespect to your father, brothers and male co-workers? Do you help with chores at home? How much time do you spend serving the needs of others?

Our current relationships are practice sessions for marriage.  If we’re failing at them now as single women, it’s hardly likely that we will become a totally different person after the honeymoon phase of the relationship ends. We will not automatically become humble, feminine, respectful, hard-working and selfless after marriage.  Who we truly are will eventually come out. After all, we are creatures of habit.

I recommend that you ask your family and friends to evaluate you in these five areas. We all have blind spots and that’s why we need the opinions of others to help us to see clearly…the good and the not-so-good. You might actually feel encouraged by some of the feedback. If you ask several persons, it will help you to gauge properly if an area is really a strength or a weakness rather than relying on one person’s feedback.

Which qualities do you need to work on? Please comment below. I would love to hear your views.  Subscribe and get your FREE ‘Know Yourself’ questionnaire. I’m in the process of creating a resource library to which every subscriber will have access. I will keep you posted:)

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With love,

Kimberly

Recommended Books:

Brokenness, Surrender, Holiness: A Revive Our Hearts Trilogy (Revive Our Hearts Series) by Nancy Leigh DeMoss

Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs by Dr Emerson Eggerichs

Good to Great in God’s Eyes: 10 Practices Great Christians Have in Common by Chip Ingram

Fascinating Girl: Vintage Edition by Helen Andelin

For Young Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn & Lisa A. Rice

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