You’ve met some single eligible bachelors, but no one notices the gem that you are. They only see you as a sister in the Lord and not a woman to be pursued. Are you inadvertently making yourself unattractive to potential suitors? Are you keeping love away?

From my own failures and feedback from single eligible Christian men, here are 6 blind spots keeping love away:

1) Your intensity and over-the-top spirituality

You just meet ‘Harry’ and you can sense that he likes you. ‘Harry’ finally gets the courage to ask you to have lunch with him. You tell ‘Harry’ that (1) you’re only interested in going out if he plans to marry you; (2) you don’t want to give opportunity to lust; and (3) he must have the patience of Job. To make your point further, you quote several scripture verses and to show him how spiritual you are. Poor ‘Harry’! He doesn’t know you well enough to even consider marrying you.

I did a survey asking single Christian men what are their three biggest turn-offs in Christian women. One guy wrote ‘being TOO godly’. My initial reaction was disbelief and thought that maybe he was a bit overboard or that he was worldly in his thinking. However, since that survey, I have heard from several other solid godly men who expressed similar sentiments and gave me more insight.

Signs that you are too intense and over-the-top spiritual:

• In order to even talk to a man, he must be certain that God told him that you’re to be his wife.
• A date or conversation means he wants to marry you.
• You must enter a time of 40 days of prayer and fasting before you get to know a guy who is interested in you.
• When you meet a guy, you inadvertently find a way to let him know how spiritual you are by adding a scripture verse to nearly every sentence.
• You must interject ‘amen’, ‘alleluia’ or ‘praise the Lord’ throughout all your sentences to indicate your spiritual maturity.

Ladies, it’s great to be zealous for the Lord, but let your zeal be shown by your obedience to Christ and by displaying the fruit of the spirit which is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5:22). Convince him of your spiritual maturity by building him up (and others) with your words of encouragement, your character and your prayers.

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Ephesians 4:29

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. [32] Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:31-32

Also, allow him the opportunity to be your friend first so that he can use his God-given senses to ascertain if you’re his complimentary fit. Personally, I think that we’ve made marriages between Christian men and Christian women overly complicated. As such, too many of us never marry or marry too late and then, we blame God.

2) Your Unattractive Dressing

I know we think that Christian men should overlook worldly values and look deeply into our hearts to see if we are worthy future mates. However, the glaring truth is that all men, Christian or not, are visual creatures. Before they are even motivated to know your heart deeply and evaluate your character, they want to be attracted to your physical beauty.

If he marries you, he’ll be seeing you day-in and day-out, so your looks must be pleasing to his eyes. All men want to show off their wives and to proudly introduce them to their family and friends.

Recently, I went to an event. On two separate occasions, the pastor asked me if I had met his wife. The man was so proud of his wife that he wanted to show her off. I would like to add that he’s not a shallow man at all, but a very normal man. When I saw his wife on both occasions, she was modestly but attractively dressed. You can see that she makes an effort in her appearance.  Modesty does not have to be plain, boring, frumpy and out-dated.

Furthermore, any woman on the face of the planet can look attractive if she makes a concerted effort. Deeper than her physical appearance, if she truly loves and values herself, her confidence will radiate and act as a magnet toward her. Never underestimate the power of confidence.

Areas for improvement that you may wish to consider:

• Your hair – Which styles are in? Which hair style may complement you better?
• Your wardrobe- Get the opinion of younger women or women with a better sense of style.
• Your mannerisms- Are they inclined to be more masculine or feminine?
• Your body- Are you taking full responsibility for the care for your body? What is your body odor? Are you fit? All men want a good sex life so a healthy energetic women is important to them.
• Your confidence- What are your deep beliefs about yourself? What must you do to truly accept, love and appreciate your own worth?

Solicit the opinions of friends and relatives who will be real with you. You need to know the truth about how you look and the kind of vibes that emanates from you. Try not to take offense.

3) Your Falseness

A man wants to be with a woman who is real. He wants to know her and to be known by her. Pretending that all is well when you’re falling apart will not help your love life. If someone asks you, ‘How are you?’ and you always respond with ‘blessed and highly favored’ or ‘too blessed to be stressed’, then you’re not being real.

How could anyone engage you with further conversation or want to know you deeper if you’re not willing to share your true emotions? Try to be real and vulnerable. Allow someone to know and love you as you are. If you’re not known, you cannot be truly loved.

Additionally, a godly man wants a woman whose character is becoming Christ-like. He wants a woman who can manage her emotions well; who is growing in gentleness; who can offer much-needed encouragement and support; who is not afraid to be transparent and vulnerable; a woman who is becoming wiser and the list goes on. Knowing the Word is good, but it must be transforming our hearts and lives.

Signs of falseness:

• You hide your true emotions to appear that you have no challenges in life.
• You’re insecure in your own skin so you wear makeup, hair extensions, false eyelashes, butt enhancements and the like all the time.
• You have difficulty expressing your emotions.
• You profess to be a follower of Christ but your behavior contradicts your beliefs (gossiping, slandering, unforgiveness, bitterness, etc.) No one is perfect, but we should certainly be growing and not excuse poor behavior.

4) Your behavior toward single men

Shyness

In the article ‘5 Truths About Why You’re Still Single’, I touched on this. Your shyness will probably hinder you from allowing a man to know you and subsequently, like you. He cannot read your mind so you need to learn to converse with any man.

To overcome my shyness, I had to retrain my mind to view and treat all men as friends. When I looked at men as potential husbands, it hindered me from relating to them as possible life-long friends. Seek to be genuinely interested in single men and to be a blessing to them with no strings attached.

Aggression

Aggressive women are generally unattractive to men. They associate aggression as a male attribute and therefore, they have no desire to be with such a woman.

Too hard to get

Too many single women toy with men’s emotions. You need to decide if you want to be with him or not. If you’re undecided, leave him in peace until you’ve made up your mind. He has a heart of flesh and it is unkind to manipulate a man’s heart based on your whims and fancies.

If you like him, then you don’t need to hide it. There’s nothing wrong with smiling at him and being friendly toward him. If nothing develops between both of you, at least you would have been cordial and gained a friend. Remember, this life is short so let’s embrace an eternal perspective.

Brother zone

You treat all men like your bosom buddy. He’s ‘your brother from another mother’ vibes. If you want a man to seriously consider you as a potential wife, you don’t want him to get the impression that you only think of him as your biological brother. The result is that you will kill any chance of romance blossoming.

5) Your desperation

If a man senses that you’re desperate to be married, he’ll run in another direction. The truth is that we, women, are also repulsed by desperate men. Learn to value yourself and enjoy being in your own company. You need to come to the point that if you never marry, you’ll be a happy woman and will enjoy life to the fullest. Don’t allow the desire to marry have a strong unhealthy hold on you. It will suck you dry and damage potentially good male friendships.

Related article: The Top Attraction Killer – 5 Signs You Have It

6) Your neediness

Simply put, you have an unhealthy reliance on others to give your life meaning. Neediness is emotionally taxing on any relationship, especially romantic ones. You believe that you’re incomplete and you need others to fulfill you. It doesn’t matter what a person does, you have a constant need of approval and attention from others. In essence, you’ve given others tremendous power over your life and they have become like gods to you.

You’re no longer in control and as a result, you’re always on an emotional rollercoaster and can become emotionally manipulative toward men. Since a man can never be God, you will constantly be disappointed and the man will constantly be frustrated. No healthy man wants that kind of headache.

Signs of neediness:

• When a guy comes into your life, you want him to spend his every waking moment with you. If he wants to spend time with his family or friends, you get upset and try to manipulate him with your emotions.
• You spend too much time perusing his social media profiles and interacting with his posts.
• You’re overly concerned about his thoughts on every area of your life.
• You go from relationship to relationship because you cannot stand being alone.
• Your gifts and gestures are over excessive.

Only God can fill your greatest need for significance, love and fulfillment. Take some time away from all romantic relationships for a specified period of time and intentionally nurture your relationship with God. Allow Him to fill your life with His presence.

Summary

You may be a marvelous woman, but you may need to make some changes in order for a man to be willing to discover the gem that you are. Are you too intense and over-the-top spiritual; dress unattractively; false; shy; aggressive; always playing hard to get; placing yourself in the sister zone; desperate; or needy? Unknowingly, you have been sabotaging your own love life and keeping love away. But don’t worry, things can get better!

The first step to getting help is to admit that you have a problem. Identify the areas on which you need to focus. Then, begin working on them. Continue to work on each area until the world can truly experience the beauty that you are, both inner and outer. Even if you never marry, you’ll be an irreplaceable source of blessing to your family, friends and co-workers.

What are your thoughts concerning the 6 blind spots above? Would you like to add any others? Comment below because I love your engagement and I firmly believe that we can all help one another. Subscribe and receive your free ‘Know Yourself’ questionnaire along with weekly email tips to help strengthen your relationship with God and others. You can also email me directly. I personally answer all my emails. Thanks for stopping by:)

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With love,

Kimberly

Related articles:

Cure Desperation | 6 Tips to Become a Confident Attractive Woman

5 Truths About Why You’re Still Single

Top 5 Attractive Qualities Single Men Want

The Top Attraction Killer – 5 Signs You Have It

Is He Showing Interest? 10 Pointers to Keep Your Confidence Intact

Recommended Books:

“Let Me Be A Woman” by Elisabeth Elliot

“Disciplines of the Beautiful Woman” by Anne Ortlund

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