You and “Rupert” have been friends for quite a number of years. He’s the kind of wholesome guy that you wouldn’t mind marrying …if he were to pursue you. You (and others) think he likes you, but why hasn’t he said anything? So you wait and wait and wait. You’re wondering, “Will he ever take your friendship to the next level?”

The question that you might need to ask is…”is he really into me?” Should you give up on “Rupert”?  How would you know if he’s not really into you? Are you missing the signs?

My “Rupert”

Everyone thought that “Rupert” had liked me…my friends and my co-workers. Even I began to think that as well. There were so many clues to his interest. He’d offer to give me a ride home. While I was working, “Rupert” would frequently stop by to chat with me. A few times, I distinctly remember him staring at me as I walked away from his presence. 

Months turned into years and he never pursued me. Not once did he utter the words that he was romantically interested in me. He also wasn’t the shy type, so that could not have been an excuse for his silence. The glaring truth was that “Rupert” wasn’t romantically interested in me enough to take action. I had to face that uncomfortable fact. He’s really wasn’t into me .

There are countless reasons why a man may seem interested, but he may decide to not actively pursue. Here are some:

• He doesn’t believe that you’re his equal.
• You’re not his ideal type.
• He cannot handle your strong personality.
• He feels intimidated by you.
• The age gap is too wide.
• He thinks that you are heading in two different directions.
• You’re not a good fit into his family or world.

As long as these obstacles exist in his heart and mind concerning you, he will not cross the invisible line to actively pursue you. The sooner that you come to terms with his romantic apathy toward you, the sooner you can move on from him. 

Here are six signs that he’s not really into you:

1) He has never said that he likes you.

The clearest indication that a man is seriously interested in you is that he will confess it. Even the shyest guy will get the courage to speak out and declare his growing desire for his “beloved”. Although there may be several signs that he’s attracted to you, it does not naturally follow that he actually wants to be with you. If a considerable amount of time has passed and he remains silent, you may need to face the truth …you’re wasting your time. He’s not really into you.

2) He’s not eager to introduce you to his immediate family and close friends.

When a man’s heart is being captivated by a woman, he will disclose his interest to one or both of his parents. He’ll also confide in his best friend. Most men want his closest relatives and friends to approve of the woman he growing to love. As such, he will make plans, whether overtly or covertly, to get them to meet you so that they can make their judgments and give their opinions. He wants to find out from them if you’re a good fit for him. 

Therefore, if months and years have passed and you have not met his family, he’s really not into you. He likes you to an extent, but not enough to marry you. With the availability of online video calls, distance is no excuse. If he does introduce you to his immediate family and friends, listen carefully to the words he uses.

Examples:

“Dad, this is Kimberly, my good friend from work.” (Highly possibility that he’s not really into you)

“Mum and Dad, this is the special young lady that I’ve been telling you about.” (High possibility that he’s really into you.”

Conversely, he’s not really into you if he’s not remotely interested in meeting your “folks”. A wise man is curious about the people who influence you the most. Furthermore, he knows that their opinions might weigh heavily on your decision to be with him. Therefore, he needs to know them and win their trust as well.

3) He rarely initiates calls or messages to you.

When a man is eager to be with a woman, he will call regularly just to hear her sweet voice. Her laughter is like a breath of fresh air and her smile warms his heart. It’s natural for him to want to be in her company because he enjoys her presence. He comes alive when she’s with him. When she’s not around for a period of time, he misses her presence.

On the other hand, if a man doesn’t see a woman in a romantic light, he will not make it a priority to call, message or see her. He may enjoy her company to an extent, but the passion is missing. He will not regularly make the sacrifices to invest in the development of the relationship.

4) His compliments are very sparse.

It’s normal for a man to shower his love interest with many compliments to flatter her. He is ensuring that she has no doubt about his desire to win her heart . He will compliment her on her attire, her personality, her beauty, her talents, how she makes him feel, etc. She will have no doubt that he’s love struck and that she’s the object of his affection. 

On the other hand, if he’s really not into you, he may compliment you once in a while like he would his mother or his sister. He has no intention of capturing your heart with his words.

5) He makes little effort to spend time with you.

“If there’s a will, there’s a way.” All human beings make time for what is important to them. I was participating in a course some years ago. When the course started, “Timmy” was at the back of the class and I sat in the front row. Within the first week, he made his way to the front of the class to sit right beside me.

Throughout the two-week period, he made an effort to be in my presence continually. After the course, he actively pursued me although we were living in two different countries. So if a guy is too busy to spend time with you, he’s not really into you. 

Also, if you’re hanging out as friends and he makes it a point to always include others, he’s probably not really into you. He does this because he doesn’t want to give you the wrong impression. I’ve done this with guys. I didn’t feel bad because he never made his intentions known. To me, it would have been totally uncomfortable to be alone with him, although I enjoyed his company otherwise.

Even if you live in two different countries, he’ll make an effort to make that trip lest he loses “his pearl”. Some years ago, I met an engaged couple. She was from the U.S.A. and he was from the U.K., but they met at a conference in Asia. He was smitten when he met her at the conference. In order to pursue her, he made a trip to her country after the conference. Undeterred by distance, his pursuit continued. They were engaged to be married two years later.

6) He feels comfortable talking about another woman with you.

He’s met someone and he comes to ask you for advice on what he should do, what gift he should buy her, etc.. Furthermore, he goes on and on about her … her brilliance, her attractiveness, her smile, how she makes him feel, and the like. Then, he’s clearly not interested in you.

Well, the possibility exists that he might be testing you to see if you’d get jealous, but you can gauge his level of interest in the other lady by the excitement in his voice and his actions. When a man is beginning to love a woman, it becomes very clear to those around him. He cannot stop talking about her. 

Related articles:

Should You Pursue A Man? 6 Points to Consider

“Situationship” or Relationship … 5 Reasons It Should be Clear

Summary 

God has placed within men a desire to pursue a woman that he loves. The intense longing that he feels will change his life and he has a strong desire to do something about it. If he’s doing nothing about it, then he’s not that captivated. 

As women, we might be getting missed signals from the “Rupert” in our lives. “Rupert” might like you to an extent, but he may not like you enough to pursue you for marriage.

The telltale signs that he’s not into you are no clear indications that he likes you; little or no interest in introducing you to his close family and friends and vice versa; hardly initiates communication with you; few compliments to you; little or no effort to spend time with you, except when it’s convenient; and is comfortable talking about another love interest with you. 

You can choose to ignore these signs or face the truth about “Rupert”. He’s really not into you. Unless he overcomes the obstacles that he faces in his heart and mind about you (see list above), he will not be free in himself to actively pursue you.

Although you can continue to wait, pray and hold on to the possibility that someday “Rupert” will see the light about how incredible you are, it may or may not happen. 

Or you can forget about “Rupert” and allow your heart to be available to another amazing guy who will do what it takes to win your heart. You don’t want to be the second best option, but rather, you want someone who would value the treasure that you are. Ladies, you are worth the wait!

I’m glad that I didn’t wait until one of my “Ruperts” woke up and realized that I was the one for him. I might have been still waiting and missing out on living fully as a single woman. Instead, I focused on enjoying God (after I came to my senses). Eventually, God brought my “Prince Charming” who made it abundantly clear that he wanted to be with me. 

Ladies, while you have a desire to be married, remember that Jesus is more than enough and marriage is just for the here and now. Let’s not lose sight of what’s most important …our relationship with God.

Related articles:

5 Compelling Reasons Why Singleness is Beautiful

Single and Disappointed-5 Helpful Tips to Deal With it

In your experiences with the “Ruperts” in your life, what signs made you realize that he wasn’t really into you. Let’s share and learn from each other. 

Would you like a free “Know Yourself” questionnaire? If you don’t know yourself, how can you effectively determine if a person is a complementary fit for you? When you subscribe, you will receive a free “Know Yourself” questionnaire. Also, you’ll receive “short & sweet” weekly emails to help you in your love relationship with God and others. Remember, we’re made to love. Thanks for stopping by!:)

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With love,

Kimberly

Recommended resources:

When God Writes Your Love Story: The Ultimate Guide to Guy/Girl Relationships by Eric Lucy & Leslie Ludy

Boundaries in Dating: How Healthy Choices Grow Healthy Relationships by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

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