8 Tips to Become Better and NOT bitter After Heartbreak

It hurts like crazy. One year has passed and it still isn’t easy dealing with your breakup with “Tyrone.” You never expected it in your wildest dreams. Whenever you dreamed of your future, “Tyrone” would always be featured as your leading man. You thought that “Tyrone” would be the one. Would it ever get easier? Could you become better and not bitter?

My “Tyrone”

“Tyrone” and I agreed to end our five-year relationship. We both realized that it didn’t make any sense to continue. On that day, I cried and cried and cried. Five years of my life wasted on that relationship.

Although I was a virgin, for some strange reason, I felt that I had lost my virginity. So much of me, I invested in that relationship. For years, I pictured “Tyrone” as a permanent part fo my life. 

On the following day, it felt like a heavy weight was lifted from me. However, it took years for me to realize the depth of the hurt. I had unknowingly built a wall to protect my heart from being disappointed again.

While walls like that can keep hurt out, they also keep true love out as well. A heartbreak can make us bitter, without even realizing it. We need to safeguard against that. 

There’s hope!

God can turn your ashes into beauty. He did it for me, and since He loves you just the same, He can do the same for you. 

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. Isaiah 61:1-3

Here are eight tips to become better and NOT bitter after your heartbreak:

1) Write a letter to him (& discard it!).

Over eight years had passed since my breakup with “Tyrone”. I thought I was completely healed and I had no resentment toward him. As I was reading the book, “Love the Life You Live”, the authors Les Parrott and Neil Clark Warren suggested writing a letter. Armed with pen and paper, I began to write.

Thus, I wrote an extremely long letter to “Tyrone”, sharing all my feelings, thoughts, hurts and disappointments. I kept nothing back. Then, I tore up the letter and discarded it. That exercise helped me to experience another level of healing, that I didn’t even know I needed.

Action Step:

Write a letter to the “Tyrone” in your life. In that letter, express all your hurt, anger, pain, and disappointment to him in the letter. As you write, you may unearth emotions of which you were previously unaware. Then, destroy the letter. Please do not send it to “Tyrone”. I repeat….do not send it to him! The letter is only for your benefit.

Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Proverbs 12:18

2) Forgive him.

Forgiveness has the power to set you free. It doesn’t matter how awful “Tyrone” treated you. Nor, does it matter if you think that “Tyrone” is undeserving of your forgiveness. It doesn’t matter if forgiveness is not reciprocated by “Tyrone”. The truth is that you need to forgive him, whether he deserves it or not. You need it for your own healing and deliverance.

Action Step:

If you have problem forgiving “Tyrone”. Do this exercise. Get a piece of paper and pen and write down all the sins you have committed since you were born. From what you can recall, it’ll be a very very long list. Unless you drop down and die immediately after reading these words, you’ll probably sin some more before you die.

If God has forgiven you for all your sins and you are the chief offender in your relationship with God, you can surely forgive “Tyrone” in comparison. Don’t let your pride rob you from total freedom. Read Matthew 18: 21-35.

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Colossians 3:13

If you’re having difficulty, ask the Holy Spirit to help you. As my mentor taught me, you can pray, “Lord, I’m not willing, but help me to be willing.” We have to align our wills to God’s will if we want to experience deep healing.

By forgiving “Tyrone”, the following will happen:

• It will be pleasing God;
• You’ll be a good witness of what it means to follow Jesus;
• It will prevent you from becoming a hard unlovable woman;
• You will prepare your heart for loving others including your possible husband-to-be;
• It might ward off physically illness. Unforgiveness affects your entire being including your health.

Obedience always brings blessings…now and for eternity.

Another aspect of forgiveness is praying for the other person. 

Prayer points for “Tyrone”:

• “Tyrone” would grow in his relationship with God. 
• God will reveal to him the areas in which he needs to grow. 
• He will become the man that God wants him to be.
• God will heal his heart from past hurts. 
• He will live a life characterized by dependence and obedience to God.
• He would repent of his wrong doing.

Whenever the bitter thoughts arise, turn them into prayer for him. Don’t let the enemy win. After a while, you’ll notice that you have no resentment toward Tyrone. This is an indication that your heart is becoming better and not bitter.

3) Prioritize your relationship with God.

Romantic relationships and marriages are temporary earthly experiences (except the one between Jesus and His Church). There will be no marriage in Heaven, so we could as well focus our attention on the most important relationship that will outlast all others.

During your single years, you can devote more time to nurturing your relationship with God. Marriage is good but only God has the capacity to satisfy you completely. My prayer for you is that God will satisfy you fully so that every other relationship will pale in comparison.

4) Be among people who love you.

Isolation is your enemy when you are going through a breakup. Although, you may feel that you want to be alone and deal with your hurt by yourself. Fight that feeling. It will only get you depressed.

Hence, you need to be around family and friends whom you enjoy; with whom you can share openly; who can be honest with you; who can encourage you; and who can pray for you. Never underestimate the power of prayer from those who sincerely love you and know God personally.

5) Pour your life into others.

We don’t exist for ourselves. Serving others can be life-giving. It will help you to forget about your own woes, and instead focus on being a blessing to others.

Do you enjoy feeding the poor? Can you volunteer at an orphanage or hospice? Which young women can you mentor? I’ve spent years mentoring young women and it has been a tremendously warming experience. It probably helped me to overcome my heartbreak more than I even realize.

6) Evaluate where you went wrong and become your better self.

You might be tempted to blame “Tyrone” entirely for the breakup. However, “it takes two to tango.” Therefore, you need to also take some responsibility for the current situation. You would have contributed to the situation one way or the other.

Questions to consider about “Tyrone”:

• Were there warning signs you ignored before you started the relationship?
• Did your parents or friends warn you?
• Were there any unbiblical compromises that you willing made to keep him happy?
• Was “Tyrone” your “fixer upper” renovation project?
• Did you try to manipulate him to make him more committed to you.

For me, the warning signs were there, but I choose to disregard them. I also lost myself in the relationship.

Instead of becoming bitter, you need to take a close look at yourself. 

Questions to consider about you:

• Do your former relationships end for the same reasons? What complaints did other guys have about you? Are their points valid?
• Was your selection good in the first place? Did he know and love Jesus? Was he actively and intentionally growing in his relationship with God, with clear evidence of life change?
• Do you have rejection issues?
• Have you lost part of you?

Related article: 6 Guys to Resist 

Take some time to introspect and re-discover the woman that you are. You may also decide to focus on self-development to become the woman you want to be. Read good books; go to counseling; take a course; join a prayer group; and the like. Get your free “Know Yourself” questionnaire here!

7) Enjoy your life.

Sometimes in relationships, we lose ourselves. In order to be with “Tyrone”, you might have stopped some hobbies or neglected key relationships that you once enjoyed. It’s time to revisit those former hobbies or add a few new ones. When “Tyrone” sees you again or hears about you, it should be evident that you’re having the time of your life!

8) Exercise.

One of friends told me that her counselor recommended exercise after her breakup. I understand why. Exercise can produce changes in your brain and increase your feel-good feelings. It is known to combat depression, stress and anxiety which are sometimes brought on by heartbreak.

Action Steps:

• Join the gym;
• Download an exercise app;
• Start walking briskly;
• Subscribe to a free YouTube exercise channel like “HasFit”.

Summary 

You didn’t enter the relationship with the intention of eventually ending it. Your desire was to be in a serious committed relationship heading toward marriage. Regardless of your best intention, breakups do happen.

Above, I’ve given you eight tips to help you to become better and not bitter after your breakup. Write a letter to him (but don’t give it to him); forgive him; prioritize your relationship with God; be around people who love you; pour yourself into the lives of others; learn from your mistakes; enjoy your life; and exercise regularly.

After Break-up Advice

There are some things that you should avoid after a breakup. They include:

• Don’t date someone immediately after a breakup. You need time to breathe, heal and learn.
• Don’t communicate for a period of time with “Tyrone”. More often than not, couples who continue to communicate regularly find themselves in an unhealthy cycle of on-again, off-again relationships. Give yourself at least a six-month communication break with “Tyrone” so you can see clearly and think soberly. If you find that after six-months, you need more time, then by all means, extend that time. It’s normal to miss him, but you need space. Do what is healthiest for you.

Related article: 6 Tips to End a Relationship Well

You can be a better version of yourself after a breakup so don’t lose hope. With time and proactive steps like I’ve mentioned above, you can thrive after a painful breakup. 

Now it’s time to hear from you. What wise advice have you received to help you deal well with a breakup? What advice would you give to another woman who is struggling in this area? Please comment below!

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With love,

Kimberly 

Recommended Books:

“Love the Life You Live: 3 Secrets to Feeling Good- Deep Down in Your Soul” by Les Parrott and Neil Warren Clark

“Confessions of  Boy Crazy Girl: On Her Journey From Neediness to Freedom” by Paula Hendricks 

“How People Grow: What the Bible Reveals About Personal Growth” by Henry Cloud and John Townsend 

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