Are you wondering about the relationship status between you and ‘Sammy’? Are you in a situationship or relationship?
You go out together regularly. Your daily phone conversations usually last for hours. Sometimes, you cook meals for him. He’s no stranger to your immediate family. When you’re interacting with other guys, you notice that “Sammy” gets jealous. Your “relationship” has every characteristic of a romantic relationship, except that it is not official. You have not been given the title of “girlfriend” or “fiancée.” You are confused!
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When your parents or friends ask about your relationship with “Sammy”, you honestly don’t know how to reply since he’s never formally asked you to be in a committed relationship with him. Is he your boyfriend or not? Should you continue along and hope that he will make it formal sometime in the future? Is it a situationship or relationship?
Maybe you should apply the duck test …
“If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck.”
But ladies, you’re not a duck. You’ve found yourself in a “situationship”.
Although it resembles a relationship, it is not one.
There are several ways to deal with a “situationship”:
1) Keep going along with this arrangement and hope for the best.
In your justification, you have someone to go out with on weekends and on special occasions. It’s better to have a man in your life than none at all. You think you have greater luck of marrying than another single lady who has no “duck-like” guy in her life.
Risks involved:
- He may end the relationship that never really existed if he finds a woman that he likes more than you. As a result, you can be extremely hurt, but you’ll have no grounds because you were never his girlfriend in the first place.
- You may be forfeiting an actual relationship with a better guy because you remain in a duck-like relationship.
2) Have the “define-the-relationship” talk with him.
It has dawned on you that you cannot keep at this any longer. You want to know, once and for all, your relationship status.
Risks involved:
- He may agree to make it official. However, since he was coerced into making a commitment before he was ready (or even willing), he may feel controlled. This will not be a good foundation for your future together.
- Alternatively, he may say that he doesn’t know if you’re the one for him. By the way, he probably knows that he doesn’t want to marry you, but he chooses not to be straightforward with you. He doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. You’ll probably feel used, hurt and betrayed because of all the time and energy that you’re invested in this “relationship”. This may sour or completely destroy your friendship.
3) Stop behaving like you’re in a relationship.
You decide to face the truth. He has never asked you to be in a relationship so therefore, you are not in one. You begin to soberly assess your “duck-like” behavior toward him and place healthy boundaries in your interactions with him to the level of friendship. You treat him as you would treat all your other single male friends. He’s no different. This does not involve giving him an ultimatum or having the “define the relationship” talk. You’re confident, but not controlling.
Risks involved…he may:
- Feel hurt and have withdrawal symptoms.
- Realize that he was acting unlovingly toward you, apologize and begin to respect your boundaries. He values your friendship and as such, his desire is to remain friends. He acknowledges that you’re not the “one” for him.
- Begin to see that you’re the one for him and willingly, without coercion, ask you to be in a relationship with him for the purpose of marriage.
In my culture, there’s an old saying “monkeys know which tree to climb.” Each of us unconsciously emits certain “vibes” and persons will treat us accordingly. How does it apply to relationships? A man may treat one woman like a rare treasure with utmost adoration and respect. On the other hand, the same man may treat another woman with little regard. To him, she’s not special and can be easily replaced. Therefore, you have the power to determine how others will be treat you.
We cannot allow men to treat us with little respect by holding them to a higher standard. If a man has not clearly asked you to be in an exclusive relationship with him, he’s not your boyfriend and as such, please refrain from giving yourself to him as if you were. Remember, you’re a confident woman and not a desperate or needy one. You have tremendous value and worth which should impact your interactions with men.
Is it important for you to know if you’re in a situationship or relationship?
Here are five reasons why you need to be clear about your relationship status:
1) Stability is necessary.
You’re either in a relationship or you’re not. The sooner you come to terms with that reality, the sooner you can move forward. We, women, thrive on stability. That’s just our innate nature. Therefore, coming to terms with your relationship status is a healthy move.
Have you noticed that it’s mainly women who need to have a “define the relationship” talk? Too many men are content to stay in a “duck-like” relationship because their needs are being met at relatively little cost to them. Women, on the other hand, feel stressed and unsettled.
By being in a “duck-like” relationship, you deprive yourself of that sense of stability. Of course, greater stability comes from the actual marriage, but a committed relationship is an important step in that direction. You cannot allow a man to have the benefits of a committed relationship when he’s not willing to make that commitment. The benefits come with the commitment. “Friends with benefits” can only work if we were robots.
Pre-marital relationships also have limitations. Check out “6 Reasons Why Virginity is STILL Wonderful” and “7 Tips to Win at Sexual Purity”.
2) Your availability to other eligible bachelors.
We don’t live in a vacuum. Onlookers are coming to conclusions about us as we interact with men. While you’re in a “duck-like” relationship with “Sammy”, you may be inadvertently preventing the pursuit by a godly man worthy of your attention. Don’t settle for less than your worth.
3) Help the man to value you.
If a man doesn’t like you enough, he will not commit himself to you. When a man overcomes his fear of rejection and makes his intentions clear, he will value you more. You are short-changing yourself if you act like a man’s girlfriend and you’re not. You’ve given the impression that you’re too easy.
4) Know and observe boundaries
When you know the status of your relationship, you will know to define your boundaries better. You can discuss your boundaries such as physical affection and time together.
Additionally, you can protect the relationship from outside threats (that is to say, other men and women). If you’re not in a relationship and you see “Sammy” getting close to another woman, you don’t have a right to say anything. You are left to deal with your hurt feelings on your own. On the other hand, if he’s a man of integrity and you’re in a committed relationship with each other, he should not be engaging the heart of another woman. Check out “6 Guys to Resist”.
5) Preparation for the future.
You cannot freely discuss or make any plans for your future together if he has made no clear commitment to you. It would be difficult to bring up conversations about marriage, a wedding, children, etc.
Ladies, we need to set our standards so that men will know how to treat us with respect and adoration. We should settle for nothing less. If you’re in a “duck-like relationship, I would suggest:
- Spend some time apart from “Sammy” to evaluate the situation.
- Reaffirm to yourself your value as a woman of God.
- Soberly decide on your course of action and the risks involved.
- Implement action plan.
If I were in your situation, I would apply the third way of dealing with “Sammy”. Without any ultimatums or a ‘define the relationship” talk, I would begin to treat “Sammy” as I would all my other male friends with whom I have no romantic interest. That would mean I would consider myself to be “single and disengaged”.
As such, l would act as a single available woman until “Sammy” or some other guy makes a commitment to me. No commitment … no benefits (except for brotherly-sisterly love). Let’s not waste any more time on certain men. If “Sammy” begins to feel threatened by other men, he knows what to do…
Summary
You should not allow yourself to be confused about your relationship status. If he hasn’t asked you to be in a committed relationship with him, then you are not in a relationship with him. You should not give the impression that you have no other choice but him.
No one likes to be in a perpetual state of confusion. Therefore, it’s important that you know if you’re in a situationship or relationship. Being clear about your relationship status will give you a sense of stability; know how to deal with other men; help men to value you; know which boundaries to observe; and help guide your discussions about the future.
To recap, there are several ways to deal with a “situationship”:
- Keep going along with this arrangement and hope for the best.
- Have the “define-the-relationship” talk with him.
- Stop behaving like you’re in a relationship.
Here are five reasons why you need to be clear about your relationship status:
- Stability is necessary.
- Your availability to other eligible bachelors.
- Help the man to value you.
- Know and observe boundaries
- Preparation for the future.
Ladies, how have you dealt with “situationships”? What advice would you give to other women? Please comment below and give your input. Thanks for stopping by!
#madeforlove
With love & laughter,
Kimberly Garth
Other Helpful Resources
6 Reasons Why Virginity is STILL Wonderful
7 Tips to Win at Sexual Purity
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Recommended Books:
“Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs” by Emerson Eggerichs
Been there, done that, ladies and gents! Don’t do it. Get out! Our bond was strong and we were committed to each other, but not in a relationship. Crazy right?! Prayed about it and God was leading me to release him. Met up with him and told him we should be just friends. It was heartbreaking for us both but it was the right thing to do. Don’t regret it 🙂
Thanks for sharing your own story, Jem!