Should You Pursue a Man? 6 Points to Consider

You’re in the same Bible study group with ‘Richard’. He’s attentive toward you. You find that he’s kind of cute and you admire this strong convictions. You think he might like you, but you’re not sure. To date, he has never clearly expressed an interest in you. Should you make your intentions known to ‘Richard’? Should you pursue a man?

The answer is ‘yes’ or ‘no’ depending on the kind of relationship you want.

Let me share my story with you. 

“Jake” and I met at a hike. We were involved with the same group. I heard through the grapevine that he found that I was cute. I was flattered, but he wasn’t my type. 


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Some months later, we were paired to work on a project and I began to admire his creativity and genius. Slowly, romantic feelings arose in my heart toward him. All this time, he had never said anything to me, whether he was interested in me or not. But I thought … suppose I was the one who was hindering the relationship from forming? Suppose I had behaved ‘cold’ toward him and he thinks I’m not interested…

I convinced myself that I must correct this possible error on my part and clearly express my interest in him. I got up the courage and I spoke to “Jake” regarding my feelings toward him. Soon after, we entered into a relationship. 

In my naivety, I didn’t think it was a big deal to make the first move. However, in the following years, I realized that I should have allowed him the privilege and the opportunity to pursue me. It did set the tone of the relationship which eventually failed. Prior to our breakup, “Jake” revealed to me that my ‘pursuit’ of him damaged our relationship. That was not the main reason for the breakup, but my initial pursuit of him did more damage than I had estimated

I told myself that I will never again make that mistake. I know what it feels like to be pursued by men and it’s infinitely better than being the pursuer. 

Here are six points to consider when you’re deciding to pursue or not to pursue. By NOT pursuing a man…

1) You allow him to follow the model of Christ.

Our role model is Jesus and not the movies or some outspoken liberalist. As you search through the Word of God, you can clearly see that God is the initiator and the pursuer of our hearts. As a matter of fact, the entire Bible is a great love story of God’s unwavering pursuit of man.

“We love because he first loved us.” 1 John 4:19 

For Bible-believing Christians, the man is the head of the family and the woman is likened to the church, the Bride of Christ. Therefore, the Christian man must seek to emulate Jesus which means pursuing the woman, his possible bride. If Jesus pursues us, surely our future head of the family can pursue us. When things go out of God’s created order, chaos and madness are the only results. 

“For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.” Ephesians 5:23

2) You will set the tone of your future relationship.

The beginning of a relationship will set the tone of your future together. If you’re the courageous one to take the initiative and pursue him, it is very likely that you’ll be the one taking the lead in the relationship and the marriage (if it reaches that far). He’ll likely position himself in the “backseat” and you’ll be the driver. For travel purposes, that’s fine. But for a marriage, that spells disaster. 

You’ll probably be the one to ask him to marry you or resort to giving him ultimatums (I was guilty of this!). A controlling woman would like this sort of arrangement of being the head of the home, but I have a good guess that she may have difficulty respecting her husband. Personally, it’ll be challenging for me to love a man who I do not respect.

There are countless stories of women who have married apathetic husbands who have absconded from their responsibilities as the head of the home. Is that the kind of marriage of which you dreamed?

3) You will help him to be a better man.

If you observe little boys, they love to do the most daring acts. It’s in a man’s nature to be a risk-taker and to be an adventure-seeker. Therefore, he must overcome his fears to win the heart of the woman he loves. Declaring his feelings to a woman and facing possible rejection is one of the scariest things that a man must do, but it’s important for his growth. It’ll be one of his greatest triumphs in life. Let’s not take away that from him.

Although he may feel fearful in the beginning, he needs to conquer that fear and pursue a woman he wants. The man that you like may be shy, but I’ve been around many shy men who have gotten the courage to pursue the women that they really like. Men don’t need any rescuing. The old adage still rings true, “where there’s a will, there’s a way.”

He needs to be the pursuer for his own development into a man of strength who can achieve faith-stretching goals; weather the storms of life; and lead a family. Let’s not further propagate the growing appalling trend of the emasculation of our men.

“Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their forefathers to give them.” Joshua 1:6

4) You will know that you are desired by him and he wants to be with you only.

Ladies, it’s an absolutely wonderful feeling to know that you have been singled out and passionately pursued by a man, especially a man that you like. It has happened to me a few times and it’s infinitely better than me pursuing a man. I didn’t have to wonder about his interest in me. It’s a real headache to be playing a guessing game of ‘he likes me…he likes me not’. 

If you do the pursuing, in the back of your mind, you may have lingering doubts that can suck the life out of your relationship. Doubts like…

“Does he really love me?”

“Why didn’t he pursue me?”

“Was I desirable to him?”

“Did he prefer someone else?”

“If I didn’t pursue him, would he have ever declared his interest in me?”

Most importantly, you’ll feel chosen and that’s a fantastic feeling for a woman. Which woman doesn’t want to feel special? Ultimately, you want your beauty and worth to be known and cherished by him.

5) You will help him to value you.

Inherently, a man wants to conquer, whether it be dreams, lands, businesses or a wife. To him, the pursuit is just as important as the accomplishment of the goal. In the midst of the emotional ups and downs that characterize romantic relationships, his heart stirs for the adventure of winning a woman’s heart. When we work hard for something, we value it more. By pursuing him, you make it way too easy for him. He has to work a bit to win our hearts! Only then, will he truly value us. 

“That which we obtain too easily, we esteem too lightly.” –  Thomas Paine

Besides, pursuing a man has the words “desperation” or “neediness” written all over it. You want your potential husband to feel like he’s the luckiest man in the world. Triumph in his pursuit of you will help to solidify that “luck” or “blessedness” feeling. Please don’t take that away from him or from yourself.

“He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord.” Proverbs 18:22

6) You will help him to declare to himself and to the world that he wants to be with you ONLY.

A pursuit should not be something hidden. When a man ‘publicly’ pursues a woman, he’s making several statements by his actions

To himself … “I really like her and I’m willing to do what it takes to pursue her.”

To his family… “This is the woman that I’m serious about.”

To the woman… “I’ve chosen you and I will make it clear that I want to be with you.”

To God… “I’m serious about her.”

To pursue him is to minimize his convictions about you to himself and those around him. 

Have you ever thought that perhaps he may not like you enough so that’s why he hasn’t said anything? Or perhaps, he’s not ready for a relationship. Please don’t force a relationship to happen. It will only backfire on you, now or in the future. 


Should you pursue a man? Perhaps, that may not be in your best interest in the long term because you want him to follow Christ’s model; it’ll set the tone of your future relationship; you will emasculate him; it will prevent you from knowing if he truly wants you; it’ll help him to value you; and finally, it’ll help him to say to the world that he wants to be with you. 

Ladies, you’re too valuable. Please don’t do anything to lesson your worth. Christ’s pursuit of us is our standard for men, His earthly counterpart. To read about a better alternative, check out “What to do When You Like a Guy”.

Related articles: 

The Top Attraction Killer – 5 Signs You Have It

Cure Desperation | 6 Tips to Become a Confident Attractive Woman

What to Do When You Like a Guy

What are your views concerning pursuing a man? I’d love to hear of them! Please comment below. Want more tips on developing your relationships with God and others? Join my mailing list and you’ll receive short weekly emails where I share more about my personal life and advice on growing all your important relationships. Subscribe today! You’ll also receive your free “Know Yourself” questionnaire. Feel free to send me feedback and ask questions. Furthermore, please reply and introduce yourself. I love hearing from my subscribers and I personally answer all my emails. Thanks for stopping by!

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Recommended Books:

“Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man’s Soul” by John Elridge

“The Mark of a Man: Following Christ’s Example of Masculinity” by Elisabeth Elliot

“Let Me Be a Woman” by Elisabeth Elliot

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Ever feel like you don’t know what a godly man is looking for in a wife? Our Irresistible Godly Woman Checklist will give you clear insights so you can stop guessing and start preparing … while reaching your full potential as a single Christian woman.