What should you do when the man you love …loves someone else?

When you met “Kenrick”, there was no fanfare … nothing special about the occasion.  Over the years, your friendship with “Kenrick” has blossomed and you can talk with him about virtually anything.  You’ve grown that close.  As time goes by, you find yourself eager to be in his presence because you simply enjoy his company.  Soon enough, when he walks into the room or you hear his voice on the phone, you get excited.  You didn’t intend to become romantically attached to “Kenrick”, but it has happened.

Then, “Paula” enters the scene.  You’ve noticed that he’s been bringing up her name pretty often in the last few months.  What is really going on? Finally, he admits his interest in “Paula” and worse yet, he asks you for advice!  Your worst fear has come through.  “Kenrick” loves someone else. 

“Kenrick” loves “Paula”.

My story

(I seem to have a lot of stories!) lol

Unlike the story above, “Kenrick” and I did not become good friends, but I had grown to admire him from our conversations about God and His Word.  It was very rare to find an attractive man with strong biblical convictions.  With a woman, admiration is the beginning of love sparks toward a man.  

Parallel to my growing interest in him, his friendship with one of my friends began to blossom.  I didn’t think anything of it. Naively, I thought they were just friends.  But then one day, she said something that made me realize that they were together!  I nearly fainted (that’s an exaggeration), but I did shed some tears because I was disappointed in the way things had turned out (for me).  Even if he was initially interested in me, his heart was no longer beating in my direction. 

The big question is … what is a woman to do when she loves someone who loves someone else?

Here are 7 tips to deal with a situation when he loves someone else:

1) Give up on him.

It makes absolutely no sense hoping and praying that he will stop loving “Paula” and turn his attention toward you.   In essence, you’ll be wasting your precious time and energy which can be better used elsewhere.  It may or may not happen in the future, but it’s not wise to place your focus on “Kenrick”. 

Believe it or not, there are more men out there who might even be a better fit for you than “Kenrick”.  When I came to my senses, it dawned on me that “Kenrick” was a terrible fit for me.  Sadly, his relationship ended with “Paula” and it affected her negatively. 

2) Pray for the strength to move on.

You can do one of two things:

Option one

Stay in the phase of disappointment or entertain self-pity thoughts like:

• “This always happens to me.” 
• “All the good ones are taken.”
• “I’m not attractive enough.”

Option two

Ask God to heal your heart; release “Kenrick” and help you to move on.  Ladies, it is natural to feel disappointment.  Call a spade and spade, but turn it into an ‘ace’.  However, don’t stay in that pit of disappointment because it can cause you to become depressed and lead you into isolation which is an unhelpful state. 

As a matter of fact, having a good cry will help you to release your pent-up emotions.  I always feel better after a cry. Ultimately, your dependence on God will help you to beat this dark phase.  Your sad feelings now do not have to last forever.  

3) Do not tell him that you love him.

You might be tempted, but please do not disclose to “Kenrick” that you love him.  Without a doubt, he doesn’t need to know that. Ignorance is bliss in this instance.  Besides, informing him would be a good indication of your desperation.  It is clear that he loves someone else.

You might be saying to yourself, “suppose he only started to like “Paula” because he thought that I wasn’t interested?”  Ladies, don’t fall for that kind of reasoning. If “Kenrick” had a strong desire for you, he would have made a move and not given his heart to “Paula” instead.  Simply put, he wasn’t interested in you enough to do something about it.  If you must tell someone, confide in your mother or best friend … and ask for their prayers.

4) Be happy for them.

If “Kenrick” is truly your good friend, you’d want to be happy for him and not manipulate him into a relationship with you instead of “Paula”.  If “Paula” is a fellow believer and you know that she might be good for him, then it would be wise of you to support and celebrate their love.  Of course, this is easier said than done, but it’s possible with the help of God. 

Remember that true love, not selfish love, is acting in the best interest of the other person. Although he loves someone else, your friendship doesn’t have to end bitterly.

“Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” Romans 12:15 NIV

5) Put distance between you and him.

Initially, it might be extremely difficult to hang out with “Kenrick”.  Since you’re not a robot, you may have feelings of sadness, hurt, disappointment, jealousy and the like.  For most of us, it may take time for these feelings change. If you can avoid it, intentionally limit your interactions with “Kenrick”.  

Start that hobby that you’ve been meaning to do for years! Volunteer and serve others to take the focus off yourself and place it unto others.  Now that “Paula” is on the scene, you need to give them space and respect their relationship.

6) Be friends with his new girlfriend.

Right now, the wound might be a bit raw and you can’t fathom being around both “Kenrick” AND “Paula”.  That’s normal. Be gracious to yourself and give yourself time to heal. 

But if “Kenrick” is very much a part of your circle of friends and ministry, eventually you may want to become friends with “Paula”.  Notably, “Kenrick” is your brother and “Paula” is your sister and that there will be no marriage in Heaven. As such, you might actually gain a beautiful friend in “Paula”.

7) Cultivate a grateful heart.

Every second we make choices, whether we are aware of them or not, based on what we think.  As such, it is vitally important that you learn to discipline your thoughts and emotions if you are you lead an emotionally healthy life.   Instead of thinking unhealthy thoughts about “Kenrick”, “Paula”, or yourself, you need to train yourself to think thoughts that are in line with the truth of God’s Word. 

It’s not easy, but as a human being, you have the ability to retrain yourself continually.  As a result, don’t allow your mind to be lazy that you entertain all kinds of unhealthy ways of thinking.  It can get you ill and depressed. In order to counteract this tendency, you need to cultivate a grateful heart which might take some work, but it will radically improve your entire well-being.  A good read is “Switch on Your Brain: The Key to Peak Happiness, Thinking and Health” by Dr. Caroline Leaf.

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” Philippians 4:8 NIV

“Thoughts are real, physical things that occupy mental real estate. Moment by moment, every day, you are changing the structure of your brain through your thinking. When we hope, it is an activity of the mind that changes the structure of our brain in a positive and normal direction.” ― Caroline Leaf, Switch On Your Brain: The Key to Peak Happiness, Thinking, and Health

You can proactively change your thought life by intentionally choosing to be thankful for your many blessings. To help you with this, get your free “100 Things to be Thankful For” list.  For the next 21 days, take a few minutes to reflect on God’s goodness in your life with the help of “100 Things to be Thankful For” list. You can even start a gratitude journal!

Related articles:

10 Easy Tips to Start Journaling today 

Single and Disappointed-5 Helpful Tips to Deal With it

Summary

Have you had any “Kenrick’s” in your life?  How did you overcome the disappointment when you realised he loves someone else?  How did you treat “Paula”? I’d love to hear your stories! Comment below.

When disappointments hit (and they will), counting your blessings and having a grateful heart can help you to rise above the distresses.  When you subscribe, you will get your free “100 Things to be Thankful For” list. Get it without delay! For those of you who are already subscribers, when you sign up for this freebie, you will not receive two sets of emails from me (unless you used two different email addresses).  Shoot me an email anytime! Thanks for stopping by!

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With love,

Kimberly

Recommended Book:

“Switch on Your Brain: The Key to Peak Happiness, Thinking and Health” by Dr. Caroline Leaf

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