6 Reasons Why It is Better to Date in Community

You’ve been talking with ‘Frederick” for roughly one month. You find yourself excited when you see an incoming call from him. A part of you wants to tell someone about your budding romance, but is it too early? Is it anyone else’s business, but mine? Suppose I let my mother know and she doesn’t like him … am I willing to hear her feedback?

In our Western world, we look down on arranged marriages. We think that our love life is our private affair and no one should be involved in our choice of a spouse. However, by dating in isolation, have we placed ourselves in harm’s way?

While I am not an advocate for arranged marriages (although there are clear benefits to the practice), I also feel that we have gone to an unhealthy extreme where we separate ourselves from our community when choosing a spouse.

After coming to Christ, the second most life-changing decision you might make is choosing a spouse. A marriage will transform your life and as such, it is infinitely wiser to involve others in determining if a man is a good fit for you.

Here are 6 reasons why it is better to date in community:

1) You have smoke in your eyes.

Believe or not, when you’re in love, you’re not the best judge of character of the man with whom you’re growing attached. Some of his blind spots you will miss and others you will dismiss outright! Check out the lyrics of this oldie, “Smoke Gets In Your Eyes” by the Platters.

‘They asked me how I knew my true love was true

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, I, of course replied

“Something here inside cannot be denied”

(Do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do, whoa)

They said, “Someday, you’ll find all who love are blind

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, when your heart’s on fire

You must realize smoke gets in your eyes”

So, I chaffed them, and I gaily laughed

To think they could doubt my love

Yet, today, my love has flown away

I am without my love (without my love)

Now, laughing friends deride tears I cannot hide

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, so I smile and say

“When a lovely flame dies

Smoke gets in your eyes” (smoke gets in your eyes)

Smoke gets in your eyes’

If you’ve ever been in love, you know that your ability to think straight is hampered. There are enough examples before us of hate-spewing divorces who were once madly in love. Does Johnny Depp and Amber Heard ring a bell?

Therefore, it is wiser to involve your community in your dating process.

2) Your community can see what you cannot see.

God has wisely placed you in a community of family, neighbours, friends, church, work and the like. Besides providing fun, support, entertainment, and nourishment (to name a few), your community is also there to help protect you. When you’re dating, it is up to you to allow them to play this crucial role in your life or keep them at a distance.

You might even decide to include them when the relationship is official. However, at that point, you’ll be so attached to the guy that you will probably not be able to break it off when you receive less-than-raving reviews about him from trusted family and friends. 

My sister, I encourage you to involve your community early in the dating process. You will save yourself a lot of heartache in the long run. If they love you, they want the best for you.

3) You will be able to observe him better.

To give yourself the best informed decision you can about a guy, it is important that you see how he behaves and interacts with other people. By dating in community, you give yourself the information you need to determine if he’s, in fact, a good fit for you.

• How does he treat your parents?
• Does he flirt with your beautiful sister?
• How does he behave with children?
• Can he fit into your family?

Open your eyes and see how he interacts with others in your “village” to determine if he’s your complimentary fit.

4) Your community will help you to resist sexual temptation.

The more you spend time with him, the deeper your affections will grow toward him. Then, your desire to touch one another grows more intense. When you date in community and you allow others to hold you accountable in the sexual area, you protect yourself from falling sexually. 

5) A man will respect you more when he has to answer to another man.

In the early stages of a budding relationship, introduce him to your father or your father-figure. As a matter of fact, it will do you a lot of good if he knows that he must secure the blessings of your father (or father- figure) before he enters a relationship with you.

When a man knows that he has to answer to another man for the way he treats you, he will treat you better. However, if your father has abused you, you may need to have another man to play this integral role in your life for the simple reason that your love interest may not respect your father. But, let him still secure the blessing of your father (if possible).

6) It will remove your fear of making a bad decision.

Too often, single women are fearful of making a poor decision when choosing a husband. If you do it on your own, making a poor selection of a husband will be a greater likelihood. However, if you involve your community in helping you select a spouse, your stress level will be lighter knowing that you’re not alone. Share this “weight” with others who have your back.

How would you know that you have a good Christian community?

They will …

• Support your biblical convictions.
• Correct you, in love, when you’re straying.
• Pray for you.

For instance, if they encourage you to sleep with a man before marriage, that’s not the community for you!

If your current community is unhealthy, I pray that God would lead you to a Bible-believing and Bible-obeying community where you are loved. 

Summary

My sister, God wants the best for you and that is why he has placed you in a family and within a Christian community. Use that to your advantage in determining if a man is the best fit for you. You’ll remove a lot of pressure on yourself.

What has your default been – solo dating or dating in community? Do you trust your community in helping you to choose a good husband?

To recap,

Here are 6 reasons why it is better to date in community:

• You have smoke in your eyes.
• Your community can see what you cannot see.
• You will be able to observe him better.
• Your community will help you to resist sexual temptation.
• A man will respect you more when he has to answer to another man.
• It will remove your fear of making a bad decision.

Thanks for stopping by!

#madeforlove

With love & laughter,

Kimberly Garth

Other Helpful Resources:

When Your Strong Personality is Hindering Love

4 Types of Men to Keep at Arm’s Length

How to Not Commit Adultery with Your Male Friend

Recommended Books:

Choosing God’s Best: Wisdom for Lifelong Romance by Dr. Don Raunikar

Let Me Be a Woman by Elisabeth Elliot 

Lies Young Women Believe: And the Truth that Sets Them Free by Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth & Dannah Gresh 

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