“Rufus” was “Jenny’s” first love. She didn’t want to be like everyone else, going from boyfriend to boyfriend. When “Rufus” and “Jenny” first got together, he asked her to marry him several times within the first year of their relationship. They were both serious about marriage from the day they decided to be together. Breaking up was not even an option for their young love.
The early warning sign …
However, there were warning signs from the very beginning. Their first unsettling heart-wrenching “upset” actually marked the start of their official relationship. It wasn’t even an argument. He was in a “low” mood that evening and he was expressing doubts about himself and being with her. She really liked him so she wasn’t about to give up on him … her first serious potential boyfriend. She tried her best to encourage him and they ended the evening with a commitment to being together.
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That was simply the beginning of a dizzy emotional rollercoaster ride for the next several years. Family stress and work stress affected their relationship in no small way! Whenever he was stressed, he got depressed and he told Jenny that she was not the one for him. Whenever he was in a good mood, things went well.
“Rufus”was a decent Christian guy with huge holes in his soul. Their relationship was no shouting match. Slowly but surely, his gentle but negative words became the norm. She didn’t even realise what was happening until she began to share with her roommate a few things that “Rufus” would say to her. Her roommate would often exclaim, “He said that?!?!!” Her roommate couldn’t believe it! “Jenny” had gotten so used to his negativity that she didn’t think his words were bad or damaging. After all, if he was depressed, she would try her best to be an understanding girlfriend to the detriment of her own emotional well-being. That’s how subtle mental and emotional abuse can be!
Eventually, they broke up. “Jenny” was heart-broken, disappointed and ashamed.
How could she have been so naive?!?!
I was like “Jenny”. I could identify well with the illustration of the frog in the water where the temperature of the water gets increasingly hot, resulting in the frog being cooked to death! I was that frog until God lifted me out of the hot water! I did have some “burn marks” on my heart after we broke up, but God has graciously healed me.
A committed long-term relationship affects you, even if you never have sex with the person before marriage.
- It can potentially damage key friendships.
- It will affect your self-esteem.
- It will affect your views about men.
- It will affect your trust in men (and the man you may eventually marry).
- It will affect your views about in-laws.
Before you fall in love, you need to do your homework on him.
- Before you fall in love, here are 7 things to check:
- 1) Find out about his family history.
- 2) Is he emotionally stable?
- 3) Find out his romantic relationship history.
- 4) Find out what your sober-minded spiritually-grounded family & friends think.
- 5) Find out about his reputation.
- 6) Is he going too fast for comfort?
- 7) Don't confuse biblical knowledge or Christian service or spiritual gifts with maturity.
Before you fall in love, here are 7 things to check:
1) Find out about his family history.
Are his parents married? If “yes”, what kind of relationship do they have?
Are his parents divorced? If “yes”, how did it affect him? Did he ever go for counselling? How old was he? How did he deal with it? What are his thoughts about divorce? What is his relationship with his mother? What is the relationship with his father? Does he blame himself for the divorce?
Was he adopted? If “yes”, how does he feel about that?
Was there abuse in his parents’ relationship?
Was he ever abused by one or both of his parents? If “yes”, what kind of help has he gotten to get healing?
2) Is he emotionally stable?
Marriage lends itself to stress (good stress and bad stress). First of all, you have to learn to live with someone who you’ve never lived with before. Also, you have to adjust from being a single woman to being a married woman. Depending on how long you’ve been single for, your adjustment to being married can be quite shaky! Then, you have to get used to having in-laws and all that entails.
Next, if and when children come, that’s quite another lever of “stress”. If you’re a virgin, having sex requires an adjustment as well. Next up, we have financial adjustment. How are you going to manage your finances as a couple? Then, we have to talk about your spiritual development? Are you going to have family prayer times? Getting married is a WHOLE life change! Then, there are the unexpected surprises like job loss, infertility, miscarriages, illness, accidents, in-law problems, and the like.
If the man you like is growing up emotionally as an adult man, he can probably be able to handle the adjustments that come with marriage. However, he’s not emotionally stable and is not willing to mature in this ride, you and him are in for a very turbulent ride!
Here are some observations for you to make about him:
- How does he deal with conflict?
- How does he deal with stressful situations?
- How does he talk about his job?
3) Find out his romantic relationship history.
If you were to find a healthy godly man with no relationship history, count it a blessing. Undoubtedly, men like that are few in number, especially if they are older. You need to know about all his serious relationships. Every serious romantic relationship he has had will certainly affect your relationship with him, whether you believe it or not.
4) Find out what your sober-minded spiritually-grounded family & friends think.
Too often, singles wait until they are in love before they allow the sober input of loving family and friends. You talk for long hours; go In particular, allow your father (or father figure) the privilege of protecting you by giving his blessing on your relationship before you go all in. Whether your father is a Christian or not, God can use him to guard your heart. Let him be accountable to another man in your life … your father, uncle, brother, friend, pastor! Men have better censors in evaluating other men than your female friends who are just elated that you’re in a relationship! lol
If you have no one to give you feedback, maybe you need to build that wall of protection first, before you consider being in a romantic relationship. Here’s what you need to know:
- How many women were involved with him?
- How many of these relationships were of a sexual nature?
- Why did each relationship end?
Listen carefully to the reasons he gives. Please note that if he places the blame of the demise of the relationships solely and squarely on all the women, he might be the problem! He’s not a saint. If he kept on choosing no good women, then something is certainly wrong with his discernment, to say the least.
Many poor relationship choices could be avoided if only we would allow our parents/guardians/more spiritually mature couple the opportunity to give us good feedback. What you cannot see, others can see because they are not blinded by love.
Here are a few questions for you:
- Do you have anyone who can give you sound biblical advice?
- Do you have a father/father figure who can give you feedback about the man you like before you go all in?
PLEASE DO NOT DATE A MAN IN ISOLATION!!!
5) Find out about his reputation.
He might be already in your circles or he might be new to you. Unless you met him online, you would most likely have a few mutual friends. As such, you need to ask questions about him. You need to discern his character.
Here are some questions to consider:
- Does he keep his word?
- How does he treat the other single woman in your circle? Is he the church flirt or playboy?
- How does he handle authority? How does he behave when he disagrees with authority?
- Does he bounce from church to church?
- Does he have a good reputation among his bosses, his co-workers, his direct reports or his employees?
- What kind of experiences do others have with him?
- Does he repay what he owes?
6) Is he going too fast for comfort?
Be careful when a man expresses passionate love for you and he hardly knows you. Don’t rush the process. It generally takes time to discern a person’s character. Now, for older singles, you might choose to marry sooner than later, but please ensure that you have credible people in your life who can attest to his godly character.
7) Don’t confuse biblical knowledge or Christian service or spiritual gifts with maturity.
A man could be very knowledgeable about the Bible and still not be transformed by the Word of God. You can meet a gospel singer, a missionary or a pastor and think that he must be a follower of Jesus and then, he turns out to be a man who is ruled by lust, money or power. He can speak in tongues for the entire day and still not be submitted to Christ!
Ladies, you need to observe if his walk lines up with his talk.
Here are some observations to make:
- Is he boastful about his knowledge or gifts or his looks?
- Does he think that he’s better than other Christians?
- Does he encourage you to compromise sexually and make light of it?
- Have you found him lying, cheating or stealing?
- Does he cover up his sins?
- Is he disrespectful to women?
- Does he willingly admit his weaknesses/shortcomings?
Ladies, you want to be with a man who is submitted to the Lordship of Christ; a man who is humble and teachable; and a man who is vulnerable.
Summary
Every relationship has its ups and downs but you need to know that some issues are very damaging. As I usually say, he may need a counsellor and a discipler and not a girlfriend or wife at this time.
Another thing is that you need to become the healthiest version of yourself, as much as you can, BEFORE marriage.
A healthier “you” will help you to:
- Better discern a man’s character
- Repel creeps
- Attract a good man
- Encourage a man to adore and respect you
If you keep on attracting “losers”, you probably need to work on some issues in your own life.
What kind of men do you tend to attract? Do you have people who will look out for you?
“The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice.” Proverbs 12:15
To recap,
Before you fall in love, here are 7 things to check:
- Find out about his family history.
- Is he emotionally stable?
- Find out his romantic relationship history.
- Find out what your sober-minded spiritually-grounded family & friends think.
- Find out about his reputation.
- Is he going too fast for comfort?
- Don’t confuse biblical knowledge or Christian service or spiritual gifts with maturity.
Thanks for stopping by!
#madeforlove
With love & laughter,
Kimberly Garth
Other Helpful Resources:
7 Must-Have Discussions Before You Commit Your Heart
Should You Consider Marrying an Unbeliever?
How to Stay Out of the “Friend Zone”
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Recommended Books:
“Choosing God’s Best: Wisdom for Lifelong Romance” by Dr. Don Raunikar
“Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye” by Carolyn McCulley
“Let Me Be a Woman: Notes to My Daughter on the Meaning of Womanhood” by Elisabeth Elliot
