Are you interested in dating or marrying an unbeliever?

Conversation between Sarah and her aunt:

Aunt Betty: “Sarah, how old are you now?”

Sarah: “Thirty-two, Aunty. Why do you ask?”

Aunty Betty: “What are you waiting on, dear? Soon, you’ll be too old to have children.”

Sarah: “I know that, but I am trusting God for a man who really knows and loves Jesus.”

Aunt Betty: “ Sarah, I’ve told you a thousand times that you’re too picky. If you continue like that, you will be a childless old maid.”

Sarah: “What do you suggest?”

Aunty Betty: “I know this nice young man Ernesto. He doesn’t have the same faith, but he’s a good man.”

Sarah: “Aunty, I know you mean well, but God’s Word says that we should not be unequally unyoked with unbelievers. I have no intention of marrying an unbeliever.”

Aunty Betty: “Well, I was trying to see if I can help you out so that you would not remain single and alone.  You know, I was a Christian already when I married your uncle Winston who didn’t believe in Jesus and it has worked out just fine!  Sarah, you are too rigid in your beliefs and you can see what it has caused … you’re still unmarried after all these years!”

How should Sarah respond to Aunt Betty? 

Is marrying an unbeliever a good idea or a bad idea?

There are many “Aunt Betty’s” in the church.  They mean well, but their advice is totally misleading. These women have chosen to reject the wisdom of God and act according to their own desires.  You need to ignore all those “Aunt Betty’s” in your life who mistook God’s grace in their lives for permission to disobey God.

“Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?” 2 Corinthians 6:14

God gives us instructions because He wants to provide the best for us and protect us from harm.  It is not that God had nothing better to do with His time than to dish out commands to make our lives unnecessarily difficult.

Here are 10 no-nonsense reasons why dating or marrying an unbeliever is a bad idea:

1) He cannot love you like Christ loves the Church.

In no way can an unbeliever love you like Christ loves the church.  He simply does not have the capacity although he might be sincerely willing to try.  When a man personally experiences the transforming power of God’s salvation, it awakes his knowledge of true love.  An unbeliever cannot give to you what he hasn’t experienced.  

Also, an unbeliever has no indwelling Holy Spirit to speak to him; to empower him or to direct him.  

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, …” Ephesians 5:24

“Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.” John 15:3

Get my “Religion or Relationship Test – Before You Date or Marry Him” to evaluate the guy you’re considering! Plus, you will get access to my entire resource library.

2) He will not be able to directly help you grow in your faith.

In Ephesians 5:25, the husband is supposed to be instrumental in helping his wife become sanctified and cleansed by the Word.  By marrying an unbeliever, that certainly will not be happening.  One of the greatest benefits of marrying a Christ-centered follower of Jesus is his commitment to helping you become like Christ. 

Some benefits of having a Christ-centered husband:

• He can pray with you when you need healing or deliverance;
• You can study the Word together;
• He trusts God with you for a miracle;
• You both can discuss biblical concepts without having an all-out war;
• He can encourage you with God’s powerful Word;
• He can correct you when you’re wrong according to God’s standards;
• You can worship God together in the same church;
• He will likely apologise to you when he is convicted by the Holy Spirit;
• You can enjoy singing praises to God together;
• You can agree more in how you bring up children;
• He hears from God to lead his family;
• You can serve together in ministry;
• He can discern God’s will for the family;
• You can confirm one God’s direction one with the other.

“… that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.” Ephesians 5:25-26

“Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” Proverbs 27:17

3) He does not have the Holy Spirit.

Marrying an unbeliever is a bad idea because he does not have the Holy Spirit within him.  He can try to be religious, but religion cannot root out sinful habits or break strongholds.  

Undoubtedly, he cannot help himself regardless of the amount of self-control he might try to exert.  Hence, it is impossible for an unbeliever to live a holy life based on the standards of God.  As a matter of fact, an unbelieving husband might not see the sense or importance of many of the principles of the Bible.

On the other hand, a believing husband can appropriate the power of the Holy Spirit to overcome sinful tendencies and see victories as he yields himself to God over time.  

“These have indeed an appearance of wisdom in promoting self-made religion and asceticism and severity to the body, but they are of no value in stopping the indulgence of the flesh.” Colossians 2:23

4) You can hinder God’s work in his life.

It is interesting to note that unbelievers are often well aware of what Christian conduct should be.  He might not agree with it, but he is not ignorant.  As such, he might be willing to compromise with you, but he will less likely love and revere the God that you’re willing to disobey to be with him.  

If you truly want him to come to Christ, you need to prefer Jesus over him.  Hence, your obedience to God will be the best witness to him of what it means to lovingly and wholeheartedly follow Jesus Christ.  Not marrying an unbeliever is actually showing love toward him.

Sometimes, you might even be confused if a guy is a genuine Christian or now. To help with this, use my “Religion or Relationship Test – Before You Date or Marry Him”.

5) It can lead you to compromise or turn away from God.

In the Old Testament, God instructed the Israelites over and over again not to marry foreigners.  He said that it will cause them to turn away from Him and serve foreign gods.  “So said, so done.”  It happened over and over again.  You might think that you’re a strong Christian and you will never compromise or turn from God. However, any decision to date or marry an unbeliever is a clear indication that you are already compromising. 

“You shall not intermarry with them, giving your daughters to their sons or taking their daughters for your sons, for they would turn away your sons from following me, to serve other gods. Then the anger of the Lord would be kindled against you, and he would destroy you quickly.” Deuteronomy 7:3

“For when Solomon was old his wives turned away his heart after other gods, and his heart was not wholly true to the Lord his God, as was the heart of David his father.” 1 Kings 11:4

6) Marrying an unbeliever can obstruct your purpose.

The only way to walk according to God’s will and purpose is to live surrendered to Him.  To the contrary, when you choose to do “what is right in your own eyes” (Judges 17:6), the enemy of your soul slips in and gains a foothold in your life (Proverbs 26:2).  Subsequently, he will wreak havoc in your life and hinder your purpose from being accomplished. 

On the other hand, if you marry a Spirit-filled man, he will be instrumental in helping you to accomplish your God-given purpose.

“… I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” Romans 12:1-2 ESV

7) It can tarnish your testimony.

No one lives in a bubble and this is especially true for Christians.  Your life is constantly being scrutinized.  In Matthew 5:13-16, you are encouraged to be salt and light in this world.  Undoubtedly, your decisions will impact others, more than you may even realize.  For instance, if you decide to marry an unbeliever, you may cause weaker or younger Christians to also do the same and thereby, cause them to stumble.  

Persons depending on you:

• Unbelieving relatives and friends need to know what it means to truly follow Christ so they too can come to Christ;
• Younger believers need role models of Christian women who are sold out for Christ;
• Weaker believers need encouragement and help to walk in obedience;
• Mature believers need you to be a strong uncompromising soldier in the army of God;

“Keep your conduct among the Gentiles honorable, so that when they speak against you as evildoers, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day of visitation.” 1 Peter 2:12

8) You will never experience true fusion with him (unless he comes to faith in Christ).

The truth is that your spirit is alive through Christ and his spirit is spiritually dead.  Even if you were to marry an unbeliever, you will never experience the depth of oneness that only two married believers can have because of the presence of the Holy Spirit in their lives.  The jaw-dropping spirit to spirit intimacy would be sadly lacking.

“The person without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God but considers them foolishness, and cannot understand them because they are discerned only through the Spirit.” 1 Corinthians 2:14

9) There can be potentially more conflicts in your marriage.

The more a couple has in common (especially values and beliefs), the more agreement and peace there will be.  If you hold strong biblical convictions (which is generally indicative of a passionate follower of Jesus), you will have major disagreements if you marry an unbeliever.  Notably, conflicting beliefs can cause serious conflicts in a marriage.

Some potential areas of conflict:

• Children’s spiritual education;
• Places of worship; 
• Sex;
• Choice of close friends; 
• Investing financially into God’s Kingdom;
• Conflict resolution;
• Ministry;

In any case, it is exponentially better to marry someone who shares your same zeal for Christ and His kingdom.  

10) You are being unkind to yourself by marrying an unbeliever.

It is a mistaken belief that a Christian can do whatever she wants with no negative consequences.  If you sincerely believe, in your heart of hearts, that marrying an unbeliever is disobeying God, you may try to ignore the promptings of the Holy Spirit.

Some attempts to ignore the Holy Spirit’s conviction:-

• Denial
• Justification
• Use of alcohol or other numbing substances
• Avoiding other Christians
• Surrounding yourself with others who think the same

Ladies, when you make decisions or act in ways that are contrary to your beliefs, it causes internal conflicts.  Undoubtedly, a conflicted soul is an unhappy soul.  However, it will eventually negatively affect your health and general well-being. Be kind to yourself and seek to wholeheartedly follow Jesus.  Align your decisions with the wisdom of God and you will experience joy, peace, and success as His blessings flow.  

“But whoever has doubts is condemned if he eats, because the eating is not from faith. For whatever does not proceed from faith is sin.” Romans 14:23

Related articles:

6 Glaring Signs He is Not a True Christian

7 Must-Have Discussions Before You Commit Your Heart

6 Guys to Resist

Summary

God loves you and He definitely wants the best for you.  However, He has given you free choice.  You have a part to play in the way your life will turn out.  I constantly read posts and hear of stories of women who made very poor choices of a mate.  More often than not, they married unbelievers or married flesh-controlled immature Christian men.  I sincerely hope that you would choose to marry a spirit-filled man with whom you can love and serve God together.

What are your thoughts on the matter?  Comment below and let the community know!  Thanks for stopping by!

#madeforlove

With love & laughter,

Kimberly Garth