7 Must-Have Discussions Before You Commit Your Heart

It has only been six weeks and already you feel that “Brent” is the one that you’ve always been waiting for.  He’s kind, sensitive, makes you laugh and knows exactly how to make you feel like you’re the most special woman in the world.  

You go to Pinterest and start a board on “My Perfect Wedding.” 

Falling in love can happen quickly!  But before you commit your heart to “Mr. Seems-So-Right-for-Me”, you need to have a few important conversations with him.  

Here are 7 must-have discussions to have before you commit your heart:

1) How he became a Christian.

First, you need to find out how he became a Christian.  This will give the clearest indication about his beliefs concerning Christianity and if he’s had a real genuine life-changing encounter with Jesus.  A person can grow up in church; have the head knowledge about being a Christian, and talk like one without being a true Christian.  

Without life transformation through Jesus Christ, he’s just a regular religious guy without the Holy Spirit.  In essence, he’s really an non-Christian.  The Holy Spirit makes all the difference between religion and relationship.

Even if his conversion testimony shows that he sincerely gave his life to Christ, he might have embraced other theological ideas over time.  Therefore, you both need to sit and have a healthy discussion about that.  

Otherwise, you might find yourself in an ongoing theological battle in the future.  Furthermore, if you marry him, you may find yourself switching to a church whose core beliefs you do not embrace.

Related article:

6 Glaring Signs He is Not a True Christian

2) His views on sex and his own sexual experiences.

Before you enter a relationship with a guy, you need to know his views on premarital sex (including foreplay).  This gives a good indication of his spiritual maturity and what he would expect going forward.  

Although he may have had other sexual partners before his encounter with Christ, he would have a desire to abstain from sex until marriage if he’s a growing Christian. 

If he believes that Christians should engage in premarital sex, leave that man right there.  He’s a fake.

You also need to know if he’s a virgin or not and the extent of his sexual history and you, of course, need to disclose the same.  There’s no need to go into details. Deluded people may want you to think that having premarital sex has no bearing on your future marriage.  But nothing can be further from the truth.  

Your ability to experience full intimacy with him will be lessened the more partners he’s had (or you’ve had).  Read Josh McDowell’s “Bare Facts: 39 Questions Your Parents Hope You Never Ask About Sex.”  Going forward, you need to soberly understand what you’re getting into.

My story

I really liked “Tom”.  When I found out about his sexual history with women, I cried and cried and cried.  I knew that his sexual experiences would impact our future intimacy as a couple. We didn’t enter a relationship because of other factors, but my heart goes out to him.  Thankfully, we serve a God who redeems, but there are still consequences to our actions.

3) How he spends money.

Discussing finances may not seem like the most romantic topic, but disagreements in this area has crushed the romance in many Christian marriages.  As a single man, does he manage his finances well?  Does he have financial common sense? Does he have the self-control to save some of his money as a single man?  

As a mature man, he should have an income whether he’s employed, self-employed or a minister of religion.  Feelings of love are insufficient when you have bills to pay.  Therefore, please ensure that you commit your heart to a man who is hard-working and responsible with his finances while he is single.  Bad financial habits will follow you in marriage.   

4) His home culture. 

You might want to overlook this but it is extremely important.  Our parents “disciple” us whether we are aware of it or not.  Some elements of our home culture will find its way into our own homes in the future – the good and the not-so-good.  Get a glimpse into his family and you’ll get a glimpse into your future.  

How is conflict dealt with in his home?  What are his views (and yours) about roles of a husband and wife?

If your potential boyfriend comes from an abusive home, he’ll need to get help because it’s unlikely that he will remain untouched by the abuse.  God can definitely change a person but he needs to be willing and intentional in this change process because it will not be easy.

5) His relationship with his father.

A man who has a healthy relationship with his father will be in a better position to be a good husband and father because it has been modeled to him.  It’ll be more natural to him. 

If his father was absent and he has had no good fatherly role models to emulate, he’ll have a lot more insecurity and general ignorance in this area.  

If he doesn’t have a good relationship with his father; no good male role model and refuses to take steps toward healing, you might need to take a step back and reconsider moving forward. 

You need to marry a man who is willing to grow in this area.   A man can only learn to be a good father and husband from another man.

6) His romantic history with women (and men).

You need to know why his relationships ended with “Jane”, “Jill” and “Jackie”.  If he takes no responsibility for the breakups, then that’s a warning sign.  It always “takes two to tango” so he must be at fault in some way (poor mate selection is a fault in itself). 

Also, it’s important to know if he has same-sex attraction issues and how he’s dealing with it.

You also need to know if he’s been sexually abused and what help he’s received.

7) How he deals with conflict.

You can discuss this with him, but it’s equally important that you observe his reactions to conflicts with his parents, siblings, co-workers, friends, authority figures, etc.  When he confides in you, listen carefully.  

Does he know how to forgive?  Does he blame everyone and accepts little or no responsibility for his actions?  How does he deal with his anger? Is he controlling? Does he become violent?  

Ladies, he will eventually treat you the same way he treats his family and friends.  

Related articles:

7 Tips to Win at Sexual Purity 

5 Sure Tips to Prevent You From Falling for the Wrong Guy

6 Glaring Signs He is Not a True Christian

Summary

In the initial phases of a relationship, you need to have your eyes and ears opened before you commit your heart.  Don’t be so blinded by the feelings of love that you miss key signs.  

If he’s a growing Christian who is actively taking responsibility for his life, then continue moving forward.  It’s also good to involve your parents and key friends in the early stages because they might be a better judge of character than you would be (at this point in time).  

Definitely ensure that you have a spiritually and emotionally stable man to give his input.  Men can smell a “snake” of a man more easily.

Unfortunately, too many single women keep their love affair a secret in the early stages.  By the time their parents or level-headed friends see the warning signs, they’re so attached that breaking up is close to impossible.  

With my husband, I confided in a few of my teammates, my best friend and her husband when I knew that he was interested in me.  I had learnt enough to realise that a strong healthy relationship is a team effort.

Here are the 7 Must-Have Discussions Before You Commit Your Heart:

1. How he became a Christian.
2. His views on sex and his own sexual experiences.
3. How he spends money.
4. His home culture. 
5. His relationship with his father.
6. His romantic history with women (and men).
7. How he deals with conflict.

What other issues should be discussed before you commit your heart to a guy?  Please comment below and share with all of us.

If you’d like to get more tips and tools to help you grow in all your key relationships, subscribe and you’ll receive my weekly emails.  Also, you’ll get your free “Emotional Maturity versus Emotional Maturity Checklist.” Thanks for stopping by!

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With love,

Kimberly

Recommended books:

“Bare Facts: 39 Questions Your Parents Hope You Never Ask About Sex” by Josh Mc Dowell 

“Sex and the Soul of a Woman: How God Restores The Beauty of Relationship from the Pain of Regret” by Paula Rhinehart