Should a Woman Make the First Move?

One of the most common questions I get asked—submitted by a wonderful viewer named Crystal—is a big one: Can a woman make the first move?

When you’re trying to figure out the difference between a good (but imperfect) man of God and a man with genuine red flags, navigating the early stages of dating can feel confusing. Do you wait around? Do you step up and make something happen?

The answer really depends on how you define “the first move.” Let’s break down what is healthy, what is biblical, and where we need to let the men in our lives take the lead.

Defining “The First Move”

First things first: we need to treat guys as human beings deserving of kindness, respect, and dignity. Remember that all men are made in the image and likeness of God. Whether he is your type or not, there is absolutely nothing wrong with treating a man you are interested in like a normal human being—just as you would a brother or a friend.

Here are 4 Helpful Tips as You Meet Men:

1) Be Friendly and Approachable.

If by “first move” you mean being approachable and opening the door for conversation, the answer is a resounding yes! Here are a few ways to show interest without overstepping:

• Smile: I am big on smiling! It is the number one attraction factor for a woman. It is totally winsome and far more effective than your hair or makeup.
• Say Hi: Simply being friendly and starting a conversation is a great way to show you are open to connection.

Give a Neutral Compliment: Notice something nice about him, like a great shirt or a fresh haircut. A simple, “Gosh, that shirt really looks good on you” is perfect. It is a kind, safe compliment that leaves the ball in his court. (Save the compliments about his “chiseled abs” for later—that is a bit too flirtatious for day one!)

When I was single, I noticed that the guys I was just easy, cool, and free around were the ones who became genuinely interested in me. When I was timid or shy, they likely thought I was aloof or arrogant. So, just be your best, friendly self!

2) You Should Let Him Lead.

If by “first move” you mean asking him out on a date, asking him to be in a committed relationship, or asking him to marry you—my answer is no.

I am a bit old-school, but sometimes old-school principles are exactly what we need to build marriages that actually work in today’s world.

There is a deeper principle behind wanting a man to initiate the relationship. Here are three reasons why you should leave the pursuing to him:

• It follows the biblical model: Jesus loved us first. He pursued us. If Christ is the model of godly, manly leadership, then a man of God needs to be empowered by the Holy Spirit to get the courage to pursue the woman he is interested in.
• It sets the foundation for marriage: From the early stages of a relationship, you are laying the foundation for your future family. Give him the space to practice leading now.
• You will be more secure in his love. When marriages face trials (and they will), you want the deep security of knowing your husband actively chose you. 

It builds respect for him: When a man has the courage to overcome his fears and rejection issues to pursue you, it naturally builds your admiration and respect for him.

3) Trust the Process.

Do not rush a man or give him ultimatums. If he is an adult man ready for commitment, he will get the courage to pursue. Give the man the freedom to appreciate you, and to want to win your heart. Suppose he’s shy you might ask? Trust me: even the shyest man on earth will find the courage to speak up if he truly doesn’t want to lose a woman to someone else.

If a man is moving in slow motion, he might not be ready; he might not be sure about you; or he might be healing from past trauma. Leave it in God’s hands and trust God’s wisdom and timing. We can learn from Sarah and Abraham in the Bible. They should have waited on God for their first child instead of taking matters into their own hands!

4) Navigating Dating Apps.

How can these rules apply to Christian dating apps? The same principles apply!

Dating apps are just a tool, much like a singles event. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you making the initial connection:

• Sending a “Hi, how are you?”
• Liking a picture.
• Commenting on a shared hobby.

Summary

However, once the ice is broken, let him be the one to ask you on a physical date. Let him express his growing desire to get to know you. And please, use wisdom! Do not rush into deep emotional conversations too quickly with someone who is relatively a stranger.

Should a woman make the first move? If you’re referring to initiating a conversation, that’s absolutely fine. He’s simply another human being. When it comes to pursuing a romantic relationship with a man, leave it up to the man.

To recap,

Here are 4 Helpful Tips as You Meet Men:

1. Be Friendly and Approachable.
2. You Should Let Him Lead.
3. Trust the Process.
4. Navigating Dating Apps.

Thanks for stopping by!

#madeforlove

With love & laughter,

Kimberly Garth

Other Helpful Resources:

8 Essential Measures to Safeguard Yourself With Online Dating

6 Telltale Signs Online Dating is NOT For You

5 Tips To Make Yourself Look Great Online

Recommended Books:

“The Fascinating Girl”  by Helen Andelin

“The New Eve: Choosing God’s Best for Your Life” by Shaunti Feldhahn, Robert Lewis & Jeremy Royal Howard

“Disciplines of a Beautiful Woman” by Anne Ortlund

Recommended Reading Device (LOVE IT!):

Amazon Kindle Paperwhite