Nobody can help you grow as much as your spouse. -Duane Weekes

Here are 10 lessons from two years of marriage:

1. Like and enjoy your husband.

After the wedding excitement wears off, you need to like and enjoy the man you have agreed to marry. So choose a man you get along with. Physical attraction, sexual appeal, academic qualifications, popularity and wealth will not be enough. The pandemic and the lock down restrictions really tested the foundation of many marriages. My husband and I shared a lot of good laughs and enjoyed each other’s company during our first two years.

Lessons from 2 years of marriage #1: I’m glad my husband and I are friends.

2. Practice self-care.

It is easy for a woman to sacrifice for her family and that is to be expected. There’s no sin in sacrifice. However, you need to make a conscious effort to practice self-care like resting; enjoying a hobby; treating yourself to a gift (even an inexpensive gift like your favourite snack); and engaging in activities that refresh you. In my desire to be the perfect wife and to “spoil” my husband, I over-exerted myself at times and my husband didn’t understand why I placed so much pressure on myself.

Remember, you are only a human being … with limits. Also, you will incorrectly train your husband (and children) to expect you to operate with super-human qualities. When they don’t reciprocate, you can become bitter and resentful. Besides, your husband may prefer a dusty house and an available wife than a perfectly organised house and an always-too-busy wife.

Lessons from 2 years of marriage #2: Make a better effort to take care of myself.

3. Be a prayer warrior.

There will be attacks on you, your spouse and your union. As such, even before you get married, learn to pray and build your faith in God. As a matter of fact, you need to become an intercessor and a prayer warrior.

Since I have been married, I make it a point to pray for my husband every day. I probably missed a few days, but with the help of God, I have been generally consistent.

Lessons from 2 years of marriage #3: Continue to pray without ceasing.

4. Learn to take care of a home.

If you wait until you are married to take care of a home, you will be super stressed out because of all the major transitions that accompany a marriage. Start managing a home from now!

Here are some suggestions:

• Learn to cook in order to have healthy meals prepared for your daily consumption;
• Clean an entire house regularly;
• Wash your own clothes;
• Do grocery shopping; and
• Manage your finances.

Lessons from 2 years of marriage #4: It’s a good thing my mother taught me how to manage a home and living on my own helped tremendously!

5. Make your relationship with God a priority.

Your most important relationship, before and after marriage, is your relationship with God. Spending time with God, as a way of life, will keep your mind sound; give you wisdom to deal with unchartered rocky circumstances; keep your hope alive; convict you of your poor attitudes and incorrect mindsets; give you a different perspective on issues; and help you to be gracious and forgiving. Having a regular time with God, accompanied with obedience, is a key ingredient to a stable thriving marriage.

I remember a few times when I would be upset and when I began to spend time with God, His Word convicts me and the Holy Spirit softens my heart toward my husband. Undoubtedly, God changes me from within. Don’t allow your heart to become hard toward your husband. Allow the Word to penetrate deep inside your heart and determine to walk in the power of the Holy Spirit.

Lessons from 2 years of marriage #5: My relationship with Jesus makes my marriage stronger and sweeter.

6. Have friends who are for you and your husband.

When you marry, you may have your close friends and he may have his close friends. However, the friends who you want close to you are those friends who mature enough to be for BOTH you and your husband. You don’t need friends who will only be loyal to you. They must be your marriage.

Lessons from 2 years of marriage #6: I’m super grateful and thrilled that I have praying friends full of God’s wisdom!

7. Cultivate good relationship between the two families.

It is a great blessing when there are good relationships among you, your husband, your parents and his parents. This has been one of the greatest blessings in my marriage. Think soberly and move with extreme caution if your parents dislike your future husband or his parents disapprove of you. You are entering each other’s families and that is a big deal!

Also, be careful about bad-mouthing your spouse with your parents. It may back-fire. However, if you are being abused, you should speak out.

Lessons from 2 years of marriage #7: I am beyond blessed that my in-laws love me and my parents love my husband.

8. Be aware of your bad attitudes and seek growth.

The attitudes, good and not so good before marriage, will become more pronounced after marriage. This same principle applies to your future husband’s attitudes. Our bad behaviour do not disappear on the wedding day. In fact, they become even more apparent after marriage.

Although you, nor him, will become perfect before marriage, you should always embrace a perspective of continual growth. Reject the notion, “This is how I am and this is how I will always be.” Remember, as a follower of Jesus Christ, your goal is to become more and more like Jesus and not to remain in your carnal state.

For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. Romans 8:29 ESV

Lessons from 2 years of marriage #8: Marriage showed up lots of my flaws, but I’m grateful that we are patient with one another and we are both seeking to continually grow.

9. Invest in your marriage.

Surround yourself with godly couples and always invest in your marriage intentionally and continually. Be a part of couples’ prayer groups, marriage enrichment classes, marriage conferences, read good books, etc. Don’t wait for marital problems to arise and then seek counsel (which you should, of course!). But, as the saying goes, “Prevention is better than cure.”

Here are some suggestions:

• Read books to give cultivate the right mindset for a good marriage.
• Attend pre-engagement counselling.
• Have pre-marital counselling.
• Attend marriage conferences. I have attend about 3 Family Life’s Weekend to Remember conferences.
• Married couples’ classes.
• Married couples’ prayer group.
• Have a mentoring couple (as least one) that you both trust.
• Attend marriage enrichment seminars.

Lessons from 2 years of marriage #9: Well, it’s always comforting to know that there are other couples who have the same challenges and to not only be aware of them, but to get the help we need to have a better marriage.

10. Learn to love the people presently in your life.

Your close relationships, prior to marriage, prepare you for marriage. Learn to love well the people already in your life while you are single. God has placed people in your life like parents/guardians, siblings, grandparents, female friends and male friends.

Here are some questions to consider:

• Do you give up on relationships when they become difficult?
• Are you forgiving?
• Do you help with chores?
• Do people give up on you because you’re too difficult to deal with?

Lessons from 2 years of marriage #10: Being single for a long time and working through relationships with my family and friends provided me with relationships skills for my marriage.

Summary

As a woman who got married later in life, I can safely say that the choices you make when you are single will affect the choice of a mate and how you navigate married life. To all the single Christian ladies reading this article, I hope you find these lessons from 2 years of marriage are not only insightful, but also instructive.

What preparations for marriage are you currently making? What changes in your mindset are needed now?

Whether you plan to marry or not, it will be beneficial to you to make some tweaks in your current lifestyle so that you can handle the transition into marriage like a champ!

To recap, here are 10 lessons from my first two years of marriage:

1. Like and enjoy your husband.
2. Practice self-care.
3. Be a prayer warrior.
4. Learn to take care of a home.
5. Make your relationship with God a priority.
6. Have friends who are for you and your husband.
7. Cultivate good relationships between the two families.
8. Be aware of your bad attitudes and seek growth.
9. Invest in your marriage.
10. Learn to love the people presently in your life.

Thanks for stopping by!

#madeforlove

With love & laughter,

Kimberly Garth

Other Helpful Resources:

How to transition from single to married without stress

How to Steadily Grow in Your Relationship With God

7 Ways A Close Female Friend Can Prepare You For Marriage

Recommended Books:

The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian

Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs by Emerson Eggerichs

The Practice of the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence

Recommended Reading Device (LOVE IT!):

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You’re in a relationship with the man of your dreams.  As you become closer, you want to express your desire for each other physically. The intensity of your passion is getting greater and you don’t know if you have the patience, resolve and strength to wait until marriage. Is sexual purity even possible? If you’re undecided regarding the benefits of waiting, please check out ‘6 Reasons Why Virginity is STILL Wonderful’.

Your passion is quite natural. We are sexual beings and God created sex to be enjoyed thoroughly by a husband and wife.  However, engaging in premarital sex will only reduce the pleasure and corrupt the beautiful gift that it is. Here are 7 tips that may help you to win at sexual purity:

1) Love God at any cost.

According to Josh McDowell’s ‘Bare Facts: 39 Questions Your Parents Hope That You Never Ask About Sex’, ‘purity is a commitment to live according to God’s design.’ Inherent in His original design is a mandate to refrain from sexual engagement before marriage in order to give yourself fully to your husband. Ladies, we have a choice to make. Are we going to lovingly obey God or are we going to choose our own way? The truth is that loving God has a cost. Are you willing to trust His heart toward You and obey Him?

2) Value yourself .

Whether you have a low, high or no self-esteem, the fact remains that you are considerably valuable to God. Don’t allow any man to tell you otherwise. However, the way a man treats you depends on you for the most part.  There’s a saying, ‘monkeys know which tree to climb.’ Have you noticed that a person will treat one person with utmost respect and another with disdain? It all boils down to respect. If a man is pressuring you for sex and he knows that premarital sex is contrary to your beliefs, then he doesn’t respect you or your God.

You want your boyfriend to adore and respect you. Check out the article ‘6 Guys to Resist’. Your interactions with him, your choices and your views will determine what he thinks of you and how he will treat you. Only you can embrace your value and effectively communicate your value to others by the life that you live. If you say one thing, and then do the opposite, no one will take you seriously.

3) Determine your convictions.

A conviction is a firmly held belief. Compromise is not an option. No one admires a weak wishy-washy person. We respect persons with strong convictions, whether we agree or not. My personal conviction was that I would not engage in any form of sexual activity before marriage (including kissing).

For me, this was not an easy conviction to embrace initially. During my teenage years, I would fantasize continually about kissing and sexual encounters. However, I had always valued my virginity and held firmly to wait until marriage for sex. Up to that point, only penetration was an absolute ‘no’. It was at college, I adopted the view of saving my kisses only for my husband. I recently got married and my first kiss was actually when I said ‘I do’ at the altar. It was definitely special!

4) Communicate your convictions.

Men cannot read minds. From the early stages in a budding relationship, you need to let your love interest know your convictions. It’s only fair that he knows them beforehand. He could have one of three reactions:

1) He expresses that he has the same convictions. At this point, you’ll do a little jig.

2) He disagrees, but is willing to be open and explore what the Bible says about sexual purity. Don’t run from him. He might be a keeper.

3) He disagrees and tries to dissuade you. He even makes fun of you. Don’t  waste your time. Exit as soon as possible.

My husband did not agree with my ‘kissing’ view initially, but he was willing to hear my views and to respect my opinions. He was definitely a keeper!

You can’t come up with boundaries in the heat of the moment. Boundaries must be decided and communicated before anything happens.  They determine what you will do and what you will not do. When my husband and I were courting, he expressed to me that it is his practice to avoid being in a house alone with his girlfriend. My pastor would leave his office opened whenever he met with a female.

5) Establish your boundaries.

Some persons may see these decisions as ludicrous and going overboard, but we need to remember two things:

1) We’re not super-humans. Many times, we need to put boundaries in place to protect ourselves. Romans 13:14 says, ‘but put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires.’

2) We need to protect our Christian witness. We no longer live for ourselves as Christians, but we live for God before a watching world. 1 Thessalonians 5:22 says, ‘abstain from all appearance of evil.’

We would have less scandals in the church if we were to place wise boundaries in our lives.

Some suggestions:

• Refuse to be in a bedroom alone together.
• Refrain from being in a house alone for a prolonged period of time.
• Have dates in public spaces.
• Set a high standard for what you will do and not do as a couple.
• Choose friends who will hold you both accountable.
• Do not stay in the car alone for too long.

6) Guard your eyes and mind.

You will find that your fight to remain sexually pure will be weakened when your choice of entertainment stimulates your sexual appetite. When I was a teenager, I consumed many books that were sexually explicit. I naively thought that they were harmless. After all, I wasn’t engaging in any direct sexual activity with a man. However, those images make it very difficult to have clean thoughts. They can lead to sexual addictions like pornography and masturbation and a life preoccupied with sexual fantasies.

Be very careful of the types of movies, books, songs and videos that entertains you. As the saying goes, ‘garbage in, garbage out.’ The good news is that the Holy Spirit can help us to overcome, but it is oftentimes a long challenging journey for many. Additionally, please stay away from sexting or any communication that awakens your sexual desires. Contrary to popular belief, all these indulgences are anything but harmless. When you do get married, you’ll be met with a lot of disappointment because the movies and romance novels are just fantasies and not real life. The sooner you overcome, the better chance of having a healthy sex life and happy marriage.

7) Join a community with similar views.

It’s not easy to chose sexual purity in the times that we live. That’s why you need the strength of a community that embraces and supports sexual purity. It’s difficult to do it alone. Find a community of friends who will support you in your journey. There are still many who have not bowed to the lies and pressures of society.

I What have been your experiences? What tips do you have as well? What lessons have you learnt along the way?  I’d love you hear from you. Please comment below. Subscribe and get your free ‘Know Yourself’ questionnaire, along with weekly short and sweet email tips from me.

With love,

Kimberly

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It doesn’t matter if he is:

• Always at church;
• Knows books of the Bible by heart;
• Has the sweetest heavenly singing voice; or
• Preaches the best sermons.

You’re marrying the person and not his gift or his faithful service. What matters is his character and if he’s willing to mature in every area of his life.  

If you’re unsure if he’s a true Christian, get my “Religion or Relationship Test – Before You Date or Marry Him.” It will be helpful!

Here are 6 types of Christian guys to resist:

1) Overly- Jealous Owen

There are insanely jealous Christian men out there. Maybe he’s had his heart broken by an unfaithful girlfriend in the past.  Or, maybe he saw unfaithfulness in his parents’ lives and he has developed a fear that prevents him from seeing things clearly.

Regardless of the reason, an overly jealous man will not be able to trust you even if you were Mother Teresa! This is one of the guys to resist!

Signs that he’s overly jealous:

• He accuses you of being with every man that you meet, even the gas station attendant.
• He checks your phone or wants to check your phone to see your communication with other men.
• When he suspects that you’re talking to another male on the phone, he always demands to know who it is and why that person is calling you.
• He demands that you cut ties with all the men in your life except your father and brother(s).

2) Abusive Adam

Abuse takes several forms beyond physical abuse. Regardless, all forms are destructive. And yes, there are Christian men who are very abusive. I don’t know how they justify it but they do.

“Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare.” Proverbs 22:24-25

Emotional abuse

Emotional abuse can be so subtle that you’re not even aware when it started happening and what it looks like. You may not think anything is wrong with what your boyfriend is telling you or the way that he’s treating you until a someone else expresses to you that something is wrong.

You may justify it because you know that he was just feeling down or he’s having a rough time at work. The fact is that if he is emotionally unhealthy, it will negatively impact your relationship and you will be damaged in the process.

Add him to the list of guys to resist! If you don’t run from this unhealthy man now, sooner or later, you’ll be the one seeing the counsellor.

Physical abuse

No right-thinking follower of Jesus will be justify abuse. Jesus elevated women and gave them value.

Many times, signs of abuse can be seen early in a relationship. Unfortunately, your innate desire to nurture and support a man can prevent you from seeing the disaster that lies ahead.  

Also, if you have lived in an abusive home, it will be harder for you to detect abuse from others. Undoubtedly, you need to resist guys like that!

Signs of an Abuser:

• He gives you the silent treatment for prolonged periods. This is a form of punishment which all of us need to resist if we want healthy relationships.
• He puts you down subtly or blatantly.
• His tactic is to isolate you from other relationships, especially friends or relatives who do not approve of him.
• He blames others (and you) for his poor behavior.
• He uses his emotions to manipulate you.
• You find that he has become very possessive of you.
• He’s controlling.
• He has a bad temper.

3) Pretending Patrick

My friend was telling me that she met this guy who seemed to be a Christian.  He sounded just like a Christian but she felt in her spirit that something just wasn’t right about him.  She couldn’t put her finger on it.

Subsequently, she began to notice behaviors that seemed very unChristian-like. A true follower of Jesus must have a talk and a walk that are aligned to Christ. No one is perfect, but he should be growing.

Signs of a Pretender:

• He forces you to compromise your standards.
• He mocks you for having certain convictions.
• if it suits him, he will try to justify his actions.
• He will say one thing and do the opposite.
• He lacks integrity.

“Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals.” 1 Corinthians 15:33

To evaluate the types of guys to resist, you can use my “Religion or Relationship Test – Before You Date or Marry Him” which you can access in my resource library.

4) Manipulative Marlon

He’s the man who says, ‘if you love me, then you will have sex with me.’ I have one word for you – ”Run”! Some ‘Christian’ men are pressuring their girlfriends to compromise God’s standards of purity.  

Ladies, sexual purity is God’s design to lovingly protect you from harm and provide the best for you.  If a man forces you to indulge in sexual activities which are against your standards, he doesn’t love you and he doesn’t respect you.  

He’s, in fact, a very self-seeking man. Such selfishness is not a good foundation for a successful marriage. Also, it will not stop at sex, but he will try to ‘guilt-trip’ you in other ways as well.

Signs of a Manipulator:

• The typical line of this manipulator is, “If you love then you will…” That is not true love.
• He has a convincing way of manipulating Scriptures to get what he wants.
• He plays on your emotions through anger, guilt or even sadness.

5) Sad-Story Sam

Some men want a woman to provide for them and take care of them.  There may be times when a man may be broke, but it cannot be that he has absconded from his God-given responsibility and want to place it fully on your shoulders, especially before marriage. Here’s another guy to resist!

Signs of a sad-story man:

• You observe that he’s always borrowing money.
• He blames his parents, the government, the church, etc. Before long, you will also be added to that list!
• He doesn’t take full responsibility for his life as an adult.

6) Married Mark

Ladies, adultery doesn’t just happened overnight. Most Christians do not have on their bucket list “I must commit adultery.” However, adultery is easier and more subtle than you think. It happens because we naively indulge in conversations and develop deep emotional relationships with married men. Adultery first starts in the heart.

Here is what typically happens:

Steps leading to adultery:

• You and Mark are becoming friends.
• One day, he feels comfortable to share with you that he’s having marital problems.
• You like Mark as a friend so you listen to him attentively and empathize with him.
• After a while, you conclude (without knowing the full story) that the wife must be the problem. How could she treat a good man like Mark so wretchedly!
• Mark likes that you are so supportive and non-judgemental, so he makes time to constantly share with you his marital woes.
• You enjoy talking with Mark and you feel special because you are his only confidante.
• As you begin to share deeply with him concerning your life and he continues to reciprocate, you develop a closeness.
• You begin to feel that he’s your soulmate.
• A physical attraction develops.
• And boom … you have a full-fledged romance!

God did not call you, a single woman, to rescue unhappily married men from their sad marriages.  There’s only one Saviour and that is Jesus Christ.  He doesn’t need your help, except to pray from a distance!

Others can help him!

You might feel needed and think that you’re the only one in the world with whom he can talk.   However, there are billions of people in the world. I’m sure that he can find at least one other man in whom to confide. I urge you to leave men, like married Mark, alone and protect the covenant that he has made with his wife. As a matter of fact, you can pray that his marriage is restored.

This site utilizes affiliate links. If you click on a link and make a purchase, I may receive a small commission at no extra charge to you.

A good book that I would highly recommend is, ‘Hedges: Loving Your Marriage Enough to Protect It’ by Jerry B. Jenkins. It’s written for married couples but it is extremely insightful to show singles how easily adultery can happen.

Bonus: Married but separated …

After hearing several stories, I need to add the man who is separated with his wife. A man separated rom his wife is still legally married and should not even make the effort to pursue another woman.

Let us honour marriages under every cirucumstance, including but not limted to the following reasons:

1. He is planning to get a divorce.
2. His wife was abusive.
3. He is unhappy with her.
4. His wife is not a Christian so he was “unequally yoked.” Btw, God honours all marriages!
5. She was unfaithful to him.
6. She has left him.
7. His divorce is in process.

​

We need to honour marital vows, regardless of the circumstances.

My sister, God wants better for you.

“So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” Matthew 19:6

Related articles:

5 Guys to Consider as Future Husbands 

Should You Consider Marrying an Unbeliever?

6 Glaring Signs He is Not a True Christian

Summary

These types of guys to resist need a counsellor and some male friends and not a girlfriend or a wife right now. Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal the truth to you. One of the best ways to protect your own heart is to let trusted friends and family meet this ‘prospect’ before you decide to let him into your heart.  

When a friend was entering a relationship, her boss told her, “Do not let the fire of your heart blow smoke in your eyes.” Even if you might be temporarily blinded by love, others will be able to see clearly.

Can he change?

I firmly believe that God can change a person, but the person has to be a willing participant. Therefore, if you meet him that way, please expect that he will remain the same until he decides to change. And that, ladies, might take a mighty long time.

You should not marry a man and plan to change him like if he’s a renovation project. No one likes that. You’re not looking for a perfect man, but you want a Christian man who is seeking to mature in every area of his life. Your aim is not to simply get married, but you also want an enjoyable Christ-centered marriage.

“Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.” Proverbs 13:20

Resist Christian men who have poor characters! Under those circumstances, singleness is surely better. The best thing that you can do for these men is to prayer for their deliverance and healing.

“The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.” (James 5:16)

What kind of men have you met who you needed to resist?  Please comment below:) Thanks for stopping by!

#madeforlove

With love & laughter,

Kimberly Garth

Recommended Books:

‘Hedges: Loving Your Marriage Enough to Protect It’ by Jerry B. Jenkins

‘The Mark of a Man: Following Christ’s Example of Masculinity’ by Elisabeth Elliot

Get my “Religion or Relationship Test – Before You Date or Marry Him” and more resources by completing the form below to get access to my resource library!

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