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7 Tips to Win at Sexual Purity

You’re in a relationship with the man of your dreams.  As you become closer, you want to express your desire for each other physically. The intensity of your passion is getting greater and you don’t know if you have the patience, resolve and strength to wait until marriage. Is sexual purity even possible? If you’re undecided regarding the benefits of waiting, please check out ‘6 Reasons Why Virginity is STILL Wonderful’.

Your passion is quite natural. We are sexual beings and God created sex to be enjoyed thoroughly by a husband and wife.  However, engaging in premarital sex will only reduce the pleasure and corrupt the beautiful gift that it is. Here are 7 tips that may help you to win at sexual purity:

1) Love God at any cost.

According to Josh McDowell’s ‘Bare Facts: 39 Questions Your Parents Hope That You Never Ask About Sex’, ‘purity is a commitment to live according to God’s design.’ Inherent in His original design is a mandate to refrain from sexual engagement before marriage in order to give yourself fully to your husband. Ladies, we have a choice to make. Are we going to lovingly obey God or are we going to choose our own way? The truth is that loving God has a cost. Are you willing to trust His heart toward You and obey Him?


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2) Value yourself .

Whether you have a low, high or no self-esteem, the fact remains that you are considerably valuable to God. Don’t allow any man to tell you otherwise. However, the way a man treats you depends on you for the most part.  There’s a saying, ‘monkeys know which tree to climb.’ Have you noticed that a person will treat one person with utmost respect and another with disdain? It all boils down to respect. If a man is pressuring you for sex and he knows that premarital sex is contrary to your beliefs, then he doesn’t respect you or your God.

You want your boyfriend to adore and respect you. Check out the article ‘6 Guys to Resist’. Your interactions with him, your choices and your views will determine what he thinks of you and how he will treat you. Only you can embrace your value and effectively communicate your value to others by the life that you live. If you say one thing, and then do the opposite, no one will take you seriously.

3) Determine your convictions.

A conviction is a firmly held belief. Compromise is not an option. No one admires a weak wishy-washy person. We respect persons with strong convictions, whether we agree or not. My personal conviction was that I would not engage in any form of sexual activity before marriage (including kissing).

For me, this was not an easy conviction to embrace initially. During my teenage years, I would fantasize continually about kissing and sexual encounters. However, I had always valued my virginity and held firmly to wait until marriage for sex. Up to that point, only penetration was an absolute ‘no’. It was at college, I adopted the view of saving my kisses only for my husband. I recently got married and my first kiss was actually when I said ‘I do’ at the altar. It was definitely special!

4) Communicate your convictions.

Men cannot read minds. From the early stages in a budding relationship, you need to let your love interest know your convictions. It’s only fair that he knows them beforehand. He could have one of three reactions:

1) He expresses that he has the same convictions. At this point, you’ll do a little jig.

2) He disagrees, but is willing to be open and explore what the Bible says about sexual purity. Don’t run from him. He might be a keeper.

3) He disagrees and tries to dissuade you. He even makes fun of you. Don’t  waste your time. Exit as soon as possible.

My husband did not agree with my ‘kissing’ view initially, but he was willing to hear my views and to respect my opinions. He was definitely a keeper!

You can’t come up with boundaries in the heat of the moment. Boundaries must be decided and communicated before anything happens.  They determine what you will do and what you will not do. When my husband and I were courting, he expressed to me that it is his practice to avoid being in a house alone with his girlfriend. My pastor would leave his office opened whenever he met with a female.

5) Establish your boundaries.

Some persons may see these decisions as ludicrous and going overboard, but we need to remember two things:

1) We’re not super-humans. Many times, we need to put boundaries in place to protect ourselves. Romans 13:14 says, ‘but put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires.

2) We need to protect our Christian witness. We no longer live for ourselves as Christians, but we live for God before a watching world. 1 Thessalonians 5:22 says, ‘abstain from all appearance of evil.’

We would have less scandals in the church if we were to place wise boundaries in our lives.

Some suggestions:
  • Refuse to be in a bedroom alone together.
  • Refrain from being in a house alone for a prolonged period of time.
  • Have dates in public spaces.
  • Set a high standard for what you will do and not do as a couple.
  • Choose friends who will hold you both accountable.
  • Do not stay in the car alone for too long.

6) Guard your eyes and mind.

You will find that your fight to remain sexually pure will be weakened when your choice of entertainment stimulates your sexual appetite. When I was a teenager, I consumed many books that were sexually explicit. I naively thought that they were harmless. After all, I wasn’t engaging in any direct sexual activity with a man. However, those images make it very difficult to have clean thoughts. They can lead to sexual addictions like pornography and masturbation and a life preoccupied with sexual fantasies.

Be very careful of the types of movies, books, songs and videos that entertains you. As the saying goes, ‘garbage in, garbage out.’ The good news is that the Holy Spirit can help us to overcome, but it is oftentimes a long challenging journey for many. Additionally, please stay away from sexting or any communication that awakens your sexual desires. Contrary to popular belief, all these indulgences are anything but harmless. When you do get married, you’ll be met with a lot of disappointment because the movies and romance novels are just fantasies and not real life. The sooner you overcome, the better chance of having a healthy sex life and happy marriage.

7) Join a community with similar views.

It’s not easy to chose sexual purity in the times that we live. That’s why you need the strength of a community that embraces and supports sexual purity. It’s difficult to do it alone. Find a community of friends who will support you in your journey. There are still many who have not bowed to the lies and pressures of society.

I What have been your experiences? What tips do you have as well? What lessons have you learnt along the way?  I’d love you hear from you. Please comment below. Subscribe and get your free ‘Know Yourself’ questionnaire, along with weekly short and sweet email tips from me.

With love,


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Ever feel like you don’t know what a godly man is looking for in a wife? Our Irresistible Godly Woman Checklist will give you clear insights so you can stop guessing and start preparing … while reaching your full potential as a single Christian woman.