You’re realizing that you’re with the wrong guy.  You know that you should end the relationship but you can’t imagine a future without him.  How do you even separate your intertwined lives? You honestly thought that he was the one that you were going to marry.

Unfortunately, heartbreak is an unavoidable evil of this life. We all make unwise decisions that will inevitably affect many others. Ending a relationship is very difficult, but it’s important to do it as soon as possible if you already know that he’s not the one for you. You can check out ‘6 Guys to Resist’ and ‘5 Truths Why You’re Still Single’. Here are some of the benefits for ending it now:

1. You’ll be able to move on quicker. You are wasting time (his and yours) when you continue to invest in a relationship that needs to end. Time is the most precious resource that we all have. Once time is gone, we can never get it back.
2. Both you and him can begin to heal before you both get ready for your future mates. Healing requires time and it cannot be rushed. Sometimes, it can take years to even realize the damage that has been done. After over 10 years of my first failed relationship, I realised that I had some serious rejection issues. Yes, it took me that long!
3. You can begin to work on the issues that contributed to your poor decisions. You need to discover your weaknesses and flaws and actively work on becoming a healthier person. If you don’t, it is quite likely that you’ll repeat the same mistakes in the future.
4. You will be making room for your future husband. You never know…he might actually be observing you right now.

I was in a relationship with a guy (‘Charlie’) for over 5 years that needed to end. I couldn’t imagine life without him. ‘Charlie’ was a good guy, but there were some aspects of the relationship that were not healthy at all. Deep down, I knew that it needed to end, but I didn’t want to end it. I remember talking with one of my friends who was seeing all the mess. He was advising me to open my eyes and put an end to the ‘madness’. I said to him, ‘you don’t think that God can change him?’ Ladies, we cannot be in love with the future version of a man.  Who knows when the change might come?! It might be when he’s on his last breath after 50 years of a stressful marriage! You don’t want to spend your whole married life in mourning and praying for your husband to change. We know that no one is perfect, but choose your battles very carefully (read ‘6 Guys to Resist’).

“There are many people who will stay in negative situations because it is familiar, rather than go where there is promise of something good, because that would be something unfamiliar” 
― Stormie Omartian, Lead Me, Holy Spirit: Longing to Hear the Voice of God

I have learned some important lessons when ‘Charlie’ and I broke up. If there was one thing we did well, it was that we ended the relationship well. Here are some tips that can help you as you end your relationship:

1) Pray

Although we see men as tough and strong, they have hearts that can hurt just like ours. If you know that you’re going to break up with him, pray that:

1. God will help him to deal with the breakup healthily.
2. God will heal his heart.
3. He may run to God to fill the void in his life.
4. God will help him to change in the ways that are unhealthy.

You can pray along similar lines for yourself. It’s always good to invite the prayers of other believers during this time. ‘The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective’ (James 5:16b).

2) Be direct

When you’re dealing with someone’s heart, it’s best not to ‘beat around the bush’.  You owe it to him to be as tactful as you can in expressing your desire to end it.  At that point in time, I wouldn’t recommend making any promises that there might be a possible re-establishment of the relationship in the future. You don’t know the future. As you develop, you will become a different person and if he remains unchanged, you may not be interested. Please note that if you’re in a very abusive relationship, you’ll need to take great precautionary measures when informing him of the break-up.

3) Set boundaries

When ‘Charlie’ and I entered our relationship, ‘Charlie’ said that if we were to ever break-up, we should have no contact for at least 6 months. I willingly agreed although I didn’t think we would ever break-up! This was one of the best and wisest decisions that we made. You often hear about couples who are ‘on again and off again’ repeatedly for years. That pattern happens because they continue to operate like they are in a relationship with each other. They see, call and message each other regularly. This type of behavior is emotionally draining to say the least.

Additionally, you might be the person who is certain that you don’t want to be with the other person. ‘Charlie’ might be hoping that one day, you’ll come back to him. When you remain in constant contact with your ‘Charlie’, you are not helping him to move on. He will remain hopeful that a ‘re-uniting’ is imminent. Later, when he hears that you’ve found the ‘love of your life’, he’ll be more devastated and heart-broken. Love him enough by helping him to move on as quickly as possible. Cut the communication channels for an extended time. This may sound harsh, but sometimes we need to take drastic measures to protect ourselves and others. How much time would you allow for no communication? After the time has elapsed, you can decide how much communicating you will do with him. If the relationship was highly abusive, you may want to stay away indefinitely.

4) Develop your relationship with God

During this difficult season, you want to focus more time in your relationship with God. The break-up will leave a void in your life and growing intimacy with Jesus is the best void-filler. You need His healing and deliverance. You’ll need His truth to uncover the issues that you must address. You’ll need His grace to go through this rough, trying period. You’ll need his wisdom and direction to take corrective action. You’ll need His strength to go through the difficult, stretching but needed growing pains. You simply need God! The process of growth is not easy but it’s necessary. Don’t take shortcuts:) An excellent resource that I’ve read is ‘Changes that Heal: Four Practical Steps to a Happier, Healthier You’’ by Henry Cloud.

5) Surround yourself with family and friends

We are created for relationship. Oftentimes, God uses other humans in our healing process. You need your family and friends more than ever. Also, ask God for healthy female friends. My closest friends are female and it would be difficult to journey through life without them. Not all female friends are created equal so pray about it and proceed with faith and not fear in working on those relationships.

6) Work on developing you

After the break-up, you will have more time on your hands. Start dreaming again about the ‘new and improved’ you. What hobbies would you like to start? Which places would you like to visit? What new skill would you like to nurture? Exciting times are ahead for you!

As time passes, your heart will heal and the sting of the loss will become less and less. You’ll be glad that you took courage and ended the relationship sooner rather than later. During the initial extended time apart from him, work on yourself, your relationship with God and others. In the midst of the crying, you’ll also learn to laugh as you let God and others into your pain. My encouragement to you is to let go of fear and take steps of faith to end it now.

“Fear is the currency of oppression.” By Danielle Strickland

Journaling is a good practice when you end a relationship. It will help you to be aware of your emotions and let it all out on paper. Bottling up toxic emotions can never be healthy.  You’ll find that journaling will be therapeutic for you and assist you in coming to terms with all that’s happening. Read ‘10 Quick and Easy Tips to Start Journaling TODAY’. Join my 21-day journal challenge and get your FREE journal printable to start today.

What are some tips that you’ve found helpful in ending a relationship? I’d love to hear about your break-up experiences and the lessons that you’ve learnt. Please feel free to comment below. Your comment might be helpful to another woman. You can also share your fears about breaking up. I want to be there for you in your journey. Subscribe and get your FREE ‘Know Yourself’ questionnaire. You will also receive my weekly email tips and be able communicate with me directly.

Subscribe, share and comment!

With love,

Kimberly

Recommended Books:

‘Beating the Break-up Habit’ by Dick Purcell

‘Changes That Heal: Four Practical Steps to a Happier, Healthier You’’ by Henry Cloud

‘Changes That Heal Workwork: Four Practical Steps to a Happier, Healthier You’ by Henry Cloud

‘Lead me, Holy Spirit, Longing to Hear the Voice of God’ by Stormie Omartian

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It doesn’t matter if he is:

• Always at church;
• Knows books of the Bible by heart;
• Has the sweetest heavenly singing voice; or
• Preaches the best sermons.

You’re marrying the person and not his gift or his faithful service. What matters is his character and if he’s willing to mature in every area of his life.  

If you’re unsure if he’s a true Christian, get my “Religion or Relationship Test – Before You Date or Marry Him.” It will be helpful!

Here are 6 types of Christian guys to resist:

1) Overly- Jealous Owen

There are insanely jealous Christian men out there. Maybe he’s had his heart broken by an unfaithful girlfriend in the past.  Or, maybe he saw unfaithfulness in his parents’ lives and he has developed a fear that prevents him from seeing things clearly.

Regardless of the reason, an overly jealous man will not be able to trust you even if you were Mother Teresa! This is one of the guys to resist!

Signs that he’s overly jealous:

• He accuses you of being with every man that you meet, even the gas station attendant.
• He checks your phone or wants to check your phone to see your communication with other men.
• When he suspects that you’re talking to another male on the phone, he always demands to know who it is and why that person is calling you.
• He demands that you cut ties with all the men in your life except your father and brother(s).

2) Abusive Adam

Abuse takes several forms beyond physical abuse. Regardless, all forms are destructive. And yes, there are Christian men who are very abusive. I don’t know how they justify it but they do.

“Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare.” Proverbs 22:24-25

Emotional abuse

Emotional abuse can be so subtle that you’re not even aware when it started happening and what it looks like. You may not think anything is wrong with what your boyfriend is telling you or the way that he’s treating you until a someone else expresses to you that something is wrong.

You may justify it because you know that he was just feeling down or he’s having a rough time at work. The fact is that if he is emotionally unhealthy, it will negatively impact your relationship and you will be damaged in the process.

Add him to the list of guys to resist! If you don’t run from this unhealthy man now, sooner or later, you’ll be the one seeing the counsellor.

Physical abuse

No right-thinking follower of Jesus will be justify abuse. Jesus elevated women and gave them value.

Many times, signs of abuse can be seen early in a relationship. Unfortunately, your innate desire to nurture and support a man can prevent you from seeing the disaster that lies ahead.  

Also, if you have lived in an abusive home, it will be harder for you to detect abuse from others. Undoubtedly, you need to resist guys like that!

Signs of an Abuser:

• He gives you the silent treatment for prolonged periods. This is a form of punishment which all of us need to resist if we want healthy relationships.
• He puts you down subtly or blatantly.
• His tactic is to isolate you from other relationships, especially friends or relatives who do not approve of him.
• He blames others (and you) for his poor behavior.
• He uses his emotions to manipulate you.
• You find that he has become very possessive of you.
• He’s controlling.
• He has a bad temper.

3) Pretending Patrick

My friend was telling me that she met this guy who seemed to be a Christian.  He sounded just like a Christian but she felt in her spirit that something just wasn’t right about him.  She couldn’t put her finger on it.

Subsequently, she began to notice behaviors that seemed very unChristian-like. A true follower of Jesus must have a talk and a walk that are aligned to Christ. No one is perfect, but he should be growing.

Signs of a Pretender:

• He forces you to compromise your standards.
• He mocks you for having certain convictions.
• if it suits him, he will try to justify his actions.
• He will say one thing and do the opposite.
• He lacks integrity.

“Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals.” 1 Corinthians 15:33

To evaluate the types of guys to resist, you can use my “Religion or Relationship Test – Before You Date or Marry Him” which you can access in my resource library.

4) Manipulative Marlon

He’s the man who says, ‘if you love me, then you will have sex with me.’ I have one word for you – ”Run”! Some ‘Christian’ men are pressuring their girlfriends to compromise God’s standards of purity.  

Ladies, sexual purity is God’s design to lovingly protect you from harm and provide the best for you.  If a man forces you to indulge in sexual activities which are against your standards, he doesn’t love you and he doesn’t respect you.  

He’s, in fact, a very self-seeking man. Such selfishness is not a good foundation for a successful marriage. Also, it will not stop at sex, but he will try to ‘guilt-trip’ you in other ways as well.

Signs of a Manipulator:

• The typical line of this manipulator is, “If you love then you will…” That is not true love.
• He has a convincing way of manipulating Scriptures to get what he wants.
• He plays on your emotions through anger, guilt or even sadness.

5) Sad-Story Sam

Some men want a woman to provide for them and take care of them.  There may be times when a man may be broke, but it cannot be that he has absconded from his God-given responsibility and want to place it fully on your shoulders, especially before marriage. Here’s another guy to resist!

Signs of a sad-story man:

• You observe that he’s always borrowing money.
• He blames his parents, the government, the church, etc. Before long, you will also be added to that list!
• He doesn’t take full responsibility for his life as an adult.

6) Married Mark

Ladies, adultery doesn’t just happened overnight. Most Christians do not have on their bucket list “I must commit adultery.” However, adultery is easier and more subtle than you think. It happens because we naively indulge in conversations and develop deep emotional relationships with married men. Adultery first starts in the heart.

Here is what typically happens:

Steps leading to adultery:

• You and Mark are becoming friends.
• One day, he feels comfortable to share with you that he’s having marital problems.
• You like Mark as a friend so you listen to him attentively and empathize with him.
• After a while, you conclude (without knowing the full story) that the wife must be the problem. How could she treat a good man like Mark so wretchedly!
• Mark likes that you are so supportive and non-judgemental, so he makes time to constantly share with you his marital woes.
• You enjoy talking with Mark and you feel special because you are his only confidante.
• As you begin to share deeply with him concerning your life and he continues to reciprocate, you develop a closeness.
• You begin to feel that he’s your soulmate.
• A physical attraction develops.
• And boom … you have a full-fledged romance!

God did not call you, a single woman, to rescue unhappily married men from their sad marriages.  There’s only one Saviour and that is Jesus Christ.  He doesn’t need your help, except to pray from a distance!

Others can help him!

You might feel needed and think that you’re the only one in the world with whom he can talk.   However, there are billions of people in the world. I’m sure that he can find at least one other man in whom to confide. I urge you to leave men, like married Mark, alone and protect the covenant that he has made with his wife. As a matter of fact, you can pray that his marriage is restored.

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A good book that I would highly recommend is, ‘Hedges: Loving Your Marriage Enough to Protect It’ by Jerry B. Jenkins. It’s written for married couples but it is extremely insightful to show singles how easily adultery can happen.

Bonus: Married but separated …

After hearing several stories, I need to add the man who is separated with his wife. A man separated rom his wife is still legally married and should not even make the effort to pursue another woman.

Let us honour marriages under every cirucumstance, including but not limted to the following reasons:

1. He is planning to get a divorce.
2. His wife was abusive.
3. He is unhappy with her.
4. His wife is not a Christian so he was “unequally yoked.” Btw, God honours all marriages!
5. She was unfaithful to him.
6. She has left him.
7. His divorce is in process.

​

We need to honour marital vows, regardless of the circumstances.

My sister, God wants better for you.

“So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” Matthew 19:6

Related articles:

5 Guys to Consider as Future Husbands 

Should You Consider Marrying an Unbeliever?

6 Glaring Signs He is Not a True Christian

Summary

These types of guys to resist need a counsellor and some male friends and not a girlfriend or a wife right now. Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal the truth to you. One of the best ways to protect your own heart is to let trusted friends and family meet this ‘prospect’ before you decide to let him into your heart.  

When a friend was entering a relationship, her boss told her, “Do not let the fire of your heart blow smoke in your eyes.” Even if you might be temporarily blinded by love, others will be able to see clearly.

Can he change?

I firmly believe that God can change a person, but the person has to be a willing participant. Therefore, if you meet him that way, please expect that he will remain the same until he decides to change. And that, ladies, might take a mighty long time.

You should not marry a man and plan to change him like if he’s a renovation project. No one likes that. You’re not looking for a perfect man, but you want a Christian man who is seeking to mature in every area of his life. Your aim is not to simply get married, but you also want an enjoyable Christ-centered marriage.

“Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.” Proverbs 13:20

Resist Christian men who have poor characters! Under those circumstances, singleness is surely better. The best thing that you can do for these men is to prayer for their deliverance and healing.

“The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.” (James 5:16)

What kind of men have you met who you needed to resist?  Please comment below:) Thanks for stopping by!

#madeforlove

With love & laughter,

Kimberly Garth

Recommended Books:

‘Hedges: Loving Your Marriage Enough to Protect It’ by Jerry B. Jenkins

‘The Mark of a Man: Following Christ’s Example of Masculinity’ by Elisabeth Elliot

Get my “Religion or Relationship Test – Before You Date or Marry Him” and more resources by completing the form below to get access to my resource library!

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