Sometimes, I hear that the reason that we remain single is that it is the will of God. For years, I too held this view until three years ago.

It was while reading a book called ‘The One: A Realistic Guide to Choosing Your Soul Mate’ by Dr. Samuel Adams & Ben Young, that my eyes were opened to the possibility that I had to take responsibility for my current stage.  

It was hard to admit, but I had to come to terms with the choices and attitudes that I held. These ‘balls’ may not fall into your court, but I’ll share them anyway. See if you can identify with any.

Here are the five truths why you’re still single:

1) Truth 1: Choosing the wrong guy.

You have wasted precious years with the wrong guy.

Wrong Guy Type 1

He is an unbeliever.  

The Bible warns us not to bond together with unbelievers (2 Corinthians 6:14).  God is a very sensible God and He is not trying to make your life a living hell.  

Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever? 2 Corinthians 6:14-15 ESV

In fact, it is quite the opposite. He wants to provide the best for you and protect you from harm.  I was thinking about this logically.  If you had to choose a best friend in life, someone who would walk with you through thick and thin, would you choose someone who didn’t share your core beliefs and values?

‘How could two walk together unless they agree?’ Amos 3:3

If Christ is truly the love of your life and you love him wholeheartedly, you’d want to have your deepest relationships with persons who have similar views. Otherwise, there will be little agreement as time goes on.  Therefore, it’s in your best interest to be with a true follower of Christ if you’re one.

My Story

In my teenage years, I struggled with this. This really handsome guy was interested in me. But he wasn’t a Christian. Deep down, I knew that I was disobeying God, but I tried to justify it. I thought, ‘Maybe I can be instrumental in bringing him into a relationship with Christ.’

Ladies, God does not need your help!  As a matter of fact, your disobedience can delay the process. Why should he want the God you say that you love and yet you’re willing to disobey that same God? Anyway, I came to my senses eventually.  

In essence, the longer you stay in this situation, the more time you’re wasting.

Wrong Guy Type 2

He is a Christian guy but he’s unhealthy.    

I was in a relationship for five years in my early twenties.  What was I thinking?!? I wasn’t thinking too clearly apparently.  That relationship was like an emotional roller coaster.

Although no one is perfect, you don’t want too much drama especially before you’re married.  Your courting years will give you some insight into your married years.

I had the erroneous conviction that my first boyfriend should be my husband.  I didn’t want to give my heart to ‘Tom’, ‘Dick’ and ‘Harry’ and then marry ‘Joe’.

So although there were obvious warning signs, I was not willing to give up that relationship. I was already with him for sooo long and I had plans to marry him at the end of the day.

But God stepped in through my friends.  My friends saw how unhealthy our relationship was and they began praying for us. Finally, we came to our senses and ended our misery.

My choice to remain longer than I should have, resulted in me not meeting other more suitable young men during that time. The fact is, the younger you are, the pool of available eligible bachelors is larger. The older you get, the pool shrinks because the men get taken!  Don’t waste time on an unhealthy relationship!

Wrong Guy Type 3 (wrong for you)

You’re with a guy whom you don’t admire and respect. As a woman, you need to be with a man that you genuinely admire.  Without a doubt, men NEED words of affirmation and you will not be able to give that if, at the core of your being, you don’t admire or respect him.

Therefore, you need to know yourself (get your FREE ‘Know Yourself’ questionnaire here) and be aware of the few non-negotiables that you would want in your future husband.  

He may not be a bad buy, but he’s just the wrong one for you.  Please set him free so that you and he can eventually find your ‘complementary fits’. If you know that you don’t see yourself marrying him, please don’t use the poor brother to fill a void. Let Jesus fill that void.

2) Truth 2: Not meeting any eligible bachelors.

In my business degree, I learnt that people are willing to buy your product, if they know you, like you and trust you. Similarly, you need to be known, liked and trusted by eligible bachelors.  

Essentially, that requires time and interaction. If you’re only around other single women, your family, married couples and much younger men, how are you going to meet someone?!

That was part of my problem.  My life consisted of work (where there were no single bachelors close to my age), home (only family), friends (married couples and single women) and my church (very few prospects in my humble opinion).

Albeit, you may be a wonderful person, but if no wonderful man has the opportunity to know you, then your chances of meeting him are very, very slim.

Of course, God is sovereign, but we have to remember that God has placed systems under which the universe operates. You cannot deny that gravity exists. If you decide to throw yourself off a 20-storey building and think that God will rescue you, you’ll be seeing Him sooner than you think!

3) Truth 3: An overly-restrictive ideal mate list.

I didn’t think my list was ridiculous. However, one thing that made it difficult was that I wanted someone in my field of work.  If he didn’t have a similar occupation, I wasn’t interested. I finally acknowledged my incorrect belief a few years ago.

There are actually lots of good Christian men out there with whom I share common interests and beliefs, even though our field of work differs. What about you … have you exed-out a certain category of men…albeit good men?

Limiting categories:

• The same field of work
• A particular nationality
• A certain level of income
• A certain level of education

A successful marriage is based more on values and attitudes rather than things that reflect the temporary aspects of this life. On what are you basing your views and criteria?

4) Truth 4: Unfriendliness toward men.

What vibes do you give off to men?  Do you come across as haughty, aggressive, unfriendly, or disinterested?  I am very shy when I interact with 2 types of men- those that I’m attracted to and those who find that I’m attractive.

As a result, that shyness inhibited me and I came across as unfriendly. On the other hand, it was so easy to engage with men in whom I had absolutely no interest.  And guess what … they were the ones who liked me!

If you don’t know the kind of vibes that you give off, ask your friends and family to observe you and give you some feedback.

5) Truth 5: Being the ‘wrong’ woman.

Men are not always the problem.  Some of us women are very messed up (even as Christians).  We are our own enemies. Do you come across as desperate? Are you overly needy and place unrealistic burdens on the man? Are you insecure and jealous? Are you always complaining? Are you controlling?

In all honestly, you may be repelling good men. Examine yourself and seek a trusted counselor if you need to. After the end of my five-year relationship, I developed some serious rejection issues which affected my ability to open myself to be loved again.

Related articles:

5 Crazy Things People Say to Single Women
5 Compelling Reasons Why Singleness is Beautiful

Summary

In order to move forward, you need to face reality (and the truth). It might be God’s will for you to remain single for a while. But suppose, it’s not?

Perhaps, like me, you have made choices and continue to make choices that prolong your single season for longer than it needs to be.  Marriage and family are a priority to God and we need to have a balanced biblical view concerning singleness and marriage.

For those of you who are younger, please learn from the mistakes and misunderstandings of women like me.

Regardless of our choices, we can be comforted that ‘all things work together for good to those that love God, to those who are called according to His purpose” Romans 8:28. If I didn’t stay single for so long, I wouldn’t have so much content for this blog! Haha

What are your thoughts on what I shared? I would love to hear your points of view so please comment below. Subscribe and get your FREE ‘Know Yourself’ questionnaire. When you subscribe, you will receive my concise emails with practical tips on living this Christian life.

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With lots of love,

Kimberly Garth

Recommended Books:

“The One: A Realistic Guide to Choosing Your Soul Mate” by Dr. Samuel Adams & Ben Young

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