6 Tips to End a Relationship Well

You’re realizing that you’re with the wrong guy.  You know that you should end the relationship but you can’t imagine a future without him.  How do you even separate your intertwined lives? You honestly thought that he was the one that you were going to marry.

Unfortunately, heartbreak is an unavoidable evil of this life. We all make unwise decisions that will inevitably affect many others. Ending a relationship is very difficult, but it’s important to do it as soon as possible if you already know that he’s not the one for you. You can check out ‘6 Guys to Resist’ and ‘5 Truths Why You’re Still Single’. Here are some of the benefits for ending it now:

1. You’ll be able to move on quicker. You are wasting time (his and yours) when you continue to invest in a relationship that needs to end. Time is the most precious resource that we all have. Once time is gone, we can never get it back.
2. Both you and him can begin to heal before you both get ready for your future mates. Healing requires time and it cannot be rushed. Sometimes, it can take years to even realize the damage that has been done. After over 10 years of my first failed relationship, I realised that I had some serious rejection issues. Yes, it took me that long!
3. You can begin to work on the issues that contributed to your poor decisions. You need to discover your weaknesses and flaws and actively work on becoming a healthier person. If you don’t, it is quite likely that you’ll repeat the same mistakes in the future.
4. You will be making room for your future husband. You never know…he might actually be observing you right now.

I was in a relationship with a guy (‘Charlie’) for over 5 years that needed to end. I couldn’t imagine life without him. ‘Charlie’ was a good guy, but there were some aspects of the relationship that were not healthy at all. Deep down, I knew that it needed to end, but I didn’t want to end it. I remember talking with one of my friends who was seeing all the mess. He was advising me to open my eyes and put an end to the ‘madness’. I said to him, ‘you don’t think that God can change him?’ Ladies, we cannot be in love with the future version of a man.  Who knows when the change might come?! It might be when he’s on his last breath after 50 years of a stressful marriage! You don’t want to spend your whole married life in mourning and praying for your husband to change. We know that no one is perfect, but choose your battles very carefully (read ‘6 Guys to Resist’).

“There are many people who will stay in negative situations because it is familiar, rather than go where there is promise of something good, because that would be something unfamiliar” 
― Stormie Omartian, Lead Me, Holy Spirit: Longing to Hear the Voice of God

I have learned some important lessons when ‘Charlie’ and I broke up. If there was one thing we did well, it was that we ended the relationship well. Here are some tips that can help you as you end your relationship:

1) Pray

Although we see men as tough and strong, they have hearts that can hurt just like ours. If you know that you’re going to break up with him, pray that:

1. God will help him to deal with the breakup healthily.
2. God will heal his heart.
3. He may run to God to fill the void in his life.
4. God will help him to change in the ways that are unhealthy.

You can pray along similar lines for yourself. It’s always good to invite the prayers of other believers during this time. ‘The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective’ (James 5:16b).

2) Be direct

When you’re dealing with someone’s heart, it’s best not to ‘beat around the bush’.  You owe it to him to be as tactful as you can in expressing your desire to end it.  At that point in time, I wouldn’t recommend making any promises that there might be a possible re-establishment of the relationship in the future. You don’t know the future. As you develop, you will become a different person and if he remains unchanged, you may not be interested. Please note that if you’re in a very abusive relationship, you’ll need to take great precautionary measures when informing him of the break-up.

3) Set boundaries

When ‘Charlie’ and I entered our relationship, ‘Charlie’ said that if we were to ever break-up, we should have no contact for at least 6 months. I willingly agreed although I didn’t think we would ever break-up! This was one of the best and wisest decisions that we made. You often hear about couples who are ‘on again and off again’ repeatedly for years. That pattern happens because they continue to operate like they are in a relationship with each other. They see, call and message each other regularly. This type of behavior is emotionally draining to say the least.

Additionally, you might be the person who is certain that you don’t want to be with the other person. ‘Charlie’ might be hoping that one day, you’ll come back to him. When you remain in constant contact with your ‘Charlie’, you are not helping him to move on. He will remain hopeful that a ‘re-uniting’ is imminent. Later, when he hears that you’ve found the ‘love of your life’, he’ll be more devastated and heart-broken. Love him enough by helping him to move on as quickly as possible. Cut the communication channels for an extended time. This may sound harsh, but sometimes we need to take drastic measures to protect ourselves and others. How much time would you allow for no communication? After the time has elapsed, you can decide how much communicating you will do with him. If the relationship was highly abusive, you may want to stay away indefinitely.

4) Develop your relationship with God

During this difficult season, you want to focus more time in your relationship with God. The break-up will leave a void in your life and growing intimacy with Jesus is the best void-filler. You need His healing and deliverance. You’ll need His truth to uncover the issues that you must address. You’ll need His grace to go through this rough, trying period. You’ll need his wisdom and direction to take corrective action. You’ll need His strength to go through the difficult, stretching but needed growing pains. You simply need God! The process of growth is not easy but it’s necessary. Don’t take shortcuts:) An excellent resource that I’ve read is ‘Changes that Heal: Four Practical Steps to a Happier, Healthier You’’ by Henry Cloud.

5) Surround yourself with family and friends

We are created for relationship. Oftentimes, God uses other humans in our healing process. You need your family and friends more than ever. Also, ask God for healthy female friends. My closest friends are female and it would be difficult to journey through life without them. Not all female friends are created equal so pray about it and proceed with faith and not fear in working on those relationships.

6) Work on developing you

After the break-up, you will have more time on your hands. Start dreaming again about the ‘new and improved’ you. What hobbies would you like to start? Which places would you like to visit? What new skill would you like to nurture? Exciting times are ahead for you!

As time passes, your heart will heal and the sting of the loss will become less and less. You’ll be glad that you took courage and ended the relationship sooner rather than later. During the initial extended time apart from him, work on yourself, your relationship with God and others. In the midst of the crying, you’ll also learn to laugh as you let God and others into your pain. My encouragement to you is to let go of fear and take steps of faith to end it now.

“Fear is the currency of oppression.” By Danielle Strickland

Journaling is a good practice when you end a relationship. It will help you to be aware of your emotions and let it all out on paper. Bottling up toxic emotions can never be healthy.  You’ll find that journaling will be therapeutic for you and assist you in coming to terms with all that’s happening. Read ‘10 Quick and Easy Tips to Start Journaling TODAY’. Join my 21-day journal challenge and get your FREE journal printable to start today.

What are some tips that you’ve found helpful in ending a relationship? I’d love to hear about your break-up experiences and the lessons that you’ve learnt. Please feel free to comment below. Your comment might be helpful to another woman. You can also share your fears about breaking up. I want to be there for you in your journey. Subscribe and get your FREE ‘Know Yourself’ questionnaire. You will also receive my weekly email tips and be able communicate with me directly.

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With love,

Kimberly

Recommended Books:

‘Beating the Break-up Habit’ by Dick Purcell

‘Changes That Heal: Four Practical Steps to a Happier, Healthier You’’ by Henry Cloud

‘Changes That Heal Workwork: Four Practical Steps to a Happier, Healthier You’ by Henry Cloud

‘Lead me, Holy Spirit, Longing to Hear the Voice of God’ by Stormie Omartian

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