You’re realizing that you’re with the wrong guy.  You know that you should end the relationship but you can’t imagine a future without him.  How do you even separate your intertwined lives? You honestly thought that he was the one that you were going to marry.

Unfortunately, heartbreak is an unavoidable evil of this life. We all make unwise decisions that will inevitably affect many others. Ending a relationship is very difficult, but it’s important to do it as soon as possible if you already know that he’s not the one for you. You can check out ‘6 Guys to Resist’ and ‘5 Truths Why You’re Still Single’. Here are some of the benefits for ending it now:

1. You’ll be able to move on quicker. You are wasting time (his and yours) when you continue to invest in a relationship that needs to end. Time is the most precious resource that we all have. Once time is gone, we can never get it back.
2. Both you and him can begin to heal before you both get ready for your future mates. Healing requires time and it cannot be rushed. Sometimes, it can take years to even realize the damage that has been done. After over 10 years of my first failed relationship, I realised that I had some serious rejection issues. Yes, it took me that long!
3. You can begin to work on the issues that contributed to your poor decisions. You need to discover your weaknesses and flaws and actively work on becoming a healthier person. If you don’t, it is quite likely that you’ll repeat the same mistakes in the future.
4. You will be making room for your future husband. You never know…he might actually be observing you right now.

I was in a relationship with a guy (‘Charlie’) for over 5 years that needed to end. I couldn’t imagine life without him. ‘Charlie’ was a good guy, but there were some aspects of the relationship that were not healthy at all. Deep down, I knew that it needed to end, but I didn’t want to end it. I remember talking with one of my friends who was seeing all the mess. He was advising me to open my eyes and put an end to the ‘madness’. I said to him, ‘you don’t think that God can change him?’ Ladies, we cannot be in love with the future version of a man.  Who knows when the change might come?! It might be when he’s on his last breath after 50 years of a stressful marriage! You don’t want to spend your whole married life in mourning and praying for your husband to change. We know that no one is perfect, but choose your battles very carefully (read ‘6 Guys to Resist’).

“There are many people who will stay in negative situations because it is familiar, rather than go where there is promise of something good, because that would be something unfamiliar” 
― Stormie Omartian, Lead Me, Holy Spirit: Longing to Hear the Voice of God

I have learned some important lessons when ‘Charlie’ and I broke up. If there was one thing we did well, it was that we ended the relationship well. Here are some tips that can help you as you end your relationship:

1) Pray

Although we see men as tough and strong, they have hearts that can hurt just like ours. If you know that you’re going to break up with him, pray that:

1. God will help him to deal with the breakup healthily.
2. God will heal his heart.
3. He may run to God to fill the void in his life.
4. God will help him to change in the ways that are unhealthy.

You can pray along similar lines for yourself. It’s always good to invite the prayers of other believers during this time. ‘The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective’ (James 5:16b).

2) Be direct

When you’re dealing with someone’s heart, it’s best not to ‘beat around the bush’.  You owe it to him to be as tactful as you can in expressing your desire to end it.  At that point in time, I wouldn’t recommend making any promises that there might be a possible re-establishment of the relationship in the future. You don’t know the future. As you develop, you will become a different person and if he remains unchanged, you may not be interested. Please note that if you’re in a very abusive relationship, you’ll need to take great precautionary measures when informing him of the break-up.

3) Set boundaries

When ‘Charlie’ and I entered our relationship, ‘Charlie’ said that if we were to ever break-up, we should have no contact for at least 6 months. I willingly agreed although I didn’t think we would ever break-up! This was one of the best and wisest decisions that we made. You often hear about couples who are ‘on again and off again’ repeatedly for years. That pattern happens because they continue to operate like they are in a relationship with each other. They see, call and message each other regularly. This type of behavior is emotionally draining to say the least.

Additionally, you might be the person who is certain that you don’t want to be with the other person. ‘Charlie’ might be hoping that one day, you’ll come back to him. When you remain in constant contact with your ‘Charlie’, you are not helping him to move on. He will remain hopeful that a ‘re-uniting’ is imminent. Later, when he hears that you’ve found the ‘love of your life’, he’ll be more devastated and heart-broken. Love him enough by helping him to move on as quickly as possible. Cut the communication channels for an extended time. This may sound harsh, but sometimes we need to take drastic measures to protect ourselves and others. How much time would you allow for no communication? After the time has elapsed, you can decide how much communicating you will do with him. If the relationship was highly abusive, you may want to stay away indefinitely.

4) Develop your relationship with God

During this difficult season, you want to focus more time in your relationship with God. The break-up will leave a void in your life and growing intimacy with Jesus is the best void-filler. You need His healing and deliverance. You’ll need His truth to uncover the issues that you must address. You’ll need His grace to go through this rough, trying period. You’ll need his wisdom and direction to take corrective action. You’ll need His strength to go through the difficult, stretching but needed growing pains. You simply need God! The process of growth is not easy but it’s necessary. Don’t take shortcuts:) An excellent resource that I’ve read is ‘Changes that Heal: Four Practical Steps to a Happier, Healthier You’’ by Henry Cloud.

5) Surround yourself with family and friends

We are created for relationship. Oftentimes, God uses other humans in our healing process. You need your family and friends more than ever. Also, ask God for healthy female friends. My closest friends are female and it would be difficult to journey through life without them. Not all female friends are created equal so pray about it and proceed with faith and not fear in working on those relationships.

6) Work on developing you

After the break-up, you will have more time on your hands. Start dreaming again about the ‘new and improved’ you. What hobbies would you like to start? Which places would you like to visit? What new skill would you like to nurture? Exciting times are ahead for you!

As time passes, your heart will heal and the sting of the loss will become less and less. You’ll be glad that you took courage and ended the relationship sooner rather than later. During the initial extended time apart from him, work on yourself, your relationship with God and others. In the midst of the crying, you’ll also learn to laugh as you let God and others into your pain. My encouragement to you is to let go of fear and take steps of faith to end it now.

“Fear is the currency of oppression.” By Danielle Strickland

Journaling is a good practice when you end a relationship. It will help you to be aware of your emotions and let it all out on paper. Bottling up toxic emotions can never be healthy.  You’ll find that journaling will be therapeutic for you and assist you in coming to terms with all that’s happening. Read ‘10 Quick and Easy Tips to Start Journaling TODAY’. Join my 21-day journal challenge and get your FREE journal printable to start today.

What are some tips that you’ve found helpful in ending a relationship? I’d love to hear about your break-up experiences and the lessons that you’ve learnt. Please feel free to comment below. Your comment might be helpful to another woman. You can also share your fears about breaking up. I want to be there for you in your journey. Subscribe and get your FREE ‘Know Yourself’ questionnaire. You will also receive my weekly email tips and be able communicate with me directly.

Subscribe, share and comment!

With love,

Kimberly

Recommended Books:

‘Beating the Break-up Habit’ by Dick Purcell

‘Changes That Heal: Four Practical Steps to a Happier, Healthier You’’ by Henry Cloud

‘Changes That Heal Workwork: Four Practical Steps to a Happier, Healthier You’ by Henry Cloud

‘Lead me, Holy Spirit, Longing to Hear the Voice of God’ by Stormie Omartian

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Sometimes, I hear that the reason that we remain single is that it is the will of God. For years, I too held this view until three years ago.

It was while reading a book called ‘The One: A Realistic Guide to Choosing Your Soul Mate’ by Dr. Samuel Adams & Ben Young, that my eyes were opened to the possibility that I had to take responsibility for my current stage.  

It was hard to admit, but I had to come to terms with the choices and attitudes that I held. These ‘balls’ may not fall into your court, but I’ll share them anyway. See if you can identify with any.

Here are the five truths why you’re still single:

1) Truth 1: Choosing the wrong guy.

You have wasted precious years with the wrong guy.

Wrong Guy Type 1

He is an unbeliever.  

The Bible warns us not to bond together with unbelievers (2 Corinthians 6:14).  God is a very sensible God and He is not trying to make your life a living hell.  

Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever? 2 Corinthians 6:14-15 ESV

In fact, it is quite the opposite. He wants to provide the best for you and protect you from harm.  I was thinking about this logically.  If you had to choose a best friend in life, someone who would walk with you through thick and thin, would you choose someone who didn’t share your core beliefs and values?

‘How could two walk together unless they agree?’ Amos 3:3

If Christ is truly the love of your life and you love him wholeheartedly, you’d want to have your deepest relationships with persons who have similar views. Otherwise, there will be little agreement as time goes on.  Therefore, it’s in your best interest to be with a true follower of Christ if you’re one.

My Story

In my teenage years, I struggled with this. This really handsome guy was interested in me. But he wasn’t a Christian. Deep down, I knew that I was disobeying God, but I tried to justify it. I thought, ‘Maybe I can be instrumental in bringing him into a relationship with Christ.’

Ladies, God does not need your help!  As a matter of fact, your disobedience can delay the process. Why should he want the God you say that you love and yet you’re willing to disobey that same God? Anyway, I came to my senses eventually.  

In essence, the longer you stay in this situation, the more time you’re wasting.

Wrong Guy Type 2

He is a Christian guy but he’s unhealthy.    

I was in a relationship for five years in my early twenties.  What was I thinking?!? I wasn’t thinking too clearly apparently.  That relationship was like an emotional roller coaster.

Although no one is perfect, you don’t want too much drama especially before you’re married.  Your courting years will give you some insight into your married years.

I had the erroneous conviction that my first boyfriend should be my husband.  I didn’t want to give my heart to ‘Tom’, ‘Dick’ and ‘Harry’ and then marry ‘Joe’.

So although there were obvious warning signs, I was not willing to give up that relationship. I was already with him for sooo long and I had plans to marry him at the end of the day.

But God stepped in through my friends.  My friends saw how unhealthy our relationship was and they began praying for us. Finally, we came to our senses and ended our misery.

My choice to remain longer than I should have, resulted in me not meeting other more suitable young men during that time. The fact is, the younger you are, the pool of available eligible bachelors is larger. The older you get, the pool shrinks because the men get taken!  Don’t waste time on an unhealthy relationship!

Wrong Guy Type 3 (wrong for you)

You’re with a guy whom you don’t admire and respect. As a woman, you need to be with a man that you genuinely admire.  Without a doubt, men NEED words of affirmation and you will not be able to give that if, at the core of your being, you don’t admire or respect him.

Therefore, you need to know yourself (get your FREE ‘Know Yourself’ questionnaire here) and be aware of the few non-negotiables that you would want in your future husband.  

He may not be a bad buy, but he’s just the wrong one for you.  Please set him free so that you and he can eventually find your ‘complementary fits’. If you know that you don’t see yourself marrying him, please don’t use the poor brother to fill a void. Let Jesus fill that void.

2) Truth 2: Not meeting any eligible bachelors.

In my business degree, I learnt that people are willing to buy your product, if they know you, like you and trust you. Similarly, you need to be known, liked and trusted by eligible bachelors.  

Essentially, that requires time and interaction. If you’re only around other single women, your family, married couples and much younger men, how are you going to meet someone?!

That was part of my problem.  My life consisted of work (where there were no single bachelors close to my age), home (only family), friends (married couples and single women) and my church (very few prospects in my humble opinion).

Albeit, you may be a wonderful person, but if no wonderful man has the opportunity to know you, then your chances of meeting him are very, very slim.

Of course, God is sovereign, but we have to remember that God has placed systems under which the universe operates. You cannot deny that gravity exists. If you decide to throw yourself off a 20-storey building and think that God will rescue you, you’ll be seeing Him sooner than you think!

3) Truth 3: An overly-restrictive ideal mate list.

I didn’t think my list was ridiculous. However, one thing that made it difficult was that I wanted someone in my field of work.  If he didn’t have a similar occupation, I wasn’t interested. I finally acknowledged my incorrect belief a few years ago.

There are actually lots of good Christian men out there with whom I share common interests and beliefs, even though our field of work differs. What about you … have you exed-out a certain category of men…albeit good men?

Limiting categories:

• The same field of work
• A particular nationality
• A certain level of income
• A certain level of education

A successful marriage is based more on values and attitudes rather than things that reflect the temporary aspects of this life. On what are you basing your views and criteria?

4) Truth 4: Unfriendliness toward men.

What vibes do you give off to men?  Do you come across as haughty, aggressive, unfriendly, or disinterested?  I am very shy when I interact with 2 types of men- those that I’m attracted to and those who find that I’m attractive.

As a result, that shyness inhibited me and I came across as unfriendly. On the other hand, it was so easy to engage with men in whom I had absolutely no interest.  And guess what … they were the ones who liked me!

If you don’t know the kind of vibes that you give off, ask your friends and family to observe you and give you some feedback.

5) Truth 5: Being the ‘wrong’ woman.

Men are not always the problem.  Some of us women are very messed up (even as Christians).  We are our own enemies. Do you come across as desperate? Are you overly needy and place unrealistic burdens on the man? Are you insecure and jealous? Are you always complaining? Are you controlling?

In all honestly, you may be repelling good men. Examine yourself and seek a trusted counselor if you need to. After the end of my five-year relationship, I developed some serious rejection issues which affected my ability to open myself to be loved again.

Related articles:

5 Crazy Things People Say to Single Women
5 Compelling Reasons Why Singleness is Beautiful

Summary

In order to move forward, you need to face reality (and the truth). It might be God’s will for you to remain single for a while. But suppose, it’s not?

Perhaps, like me, you have made choices and continue to make choices that prolong your single season for longer than it needs to be.  Marriage and family are a priority to God and we need to have a balanced biblical view concerning singleness and marriage.

For those of you who are younger, please learn from the mistakes and misunderstandings of women like me.

Regardless of our choices, we can be comforted that ‘all things work together for good to those that love God, to those who are called according to His purpose” Romans 8:28. If I didn’t stay single for so long, I wouldn’t have so much content for this blog! Haha

What are your thoughts on what I shared? I would love to hear your points of view so please comment below. Subscribe and get your FREE ‘Know Yourself’ questionnaire. When you subscribe, you will receive my concise emails with practical tips on living this Christian life.

Also, join the 21-day journal challenge which can be extremely therapeutic based on the feedback from persons who have completed it. Thank for stopping by!

#madeforlove

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With lots of love,

Kimberly Garth

Recommended Books:

“The One: A Realistic Guide to Choosing Your Soul Mate” by Dr. Samuel Adams & Ben Young

“Petals Bloom is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to amazon.com. Amazon and the Amazon logo are trademarks of Amazon.com, Inc. or its affiliates.”

The post 5 Truths About Why You’re Still Single appeared first on Petals Bloom.