How would you know if he’s the one?

Choosing a spouse is one of those decisions that can weigh heavily on you. You tend to be extra careful in this area because marriage is a tremendous responsibility that you plan to take very seriously. So how do you determine if you’ve met the ‘one’ for you? As a single woman, you’ll come across several scenarios with men that can either trip you up or tug on your emotions. Here are four scenarios that might sound familiar to you:

Scenario 1:

‘Harry’ asks to speak with you privately. He has something important to disclose. He says that God told him that you are to be his wife. You are surprised. You never saw ‘Harry’ in that romantic light. But if God said, who are you to doubt God!?! Should you really consider ‘Harry’ as your future husband? Could ‘Harry’ be the ‘one’?

Scenario 2:

You’ve been friends with ‘Jake’ for a long time. Suddenly, ‘Jake’ tells you that he wants to marry you. You nearly fainted. You never had your eyes on Jake, but he’s a respectable man who loves the Lord. Could he be the ‘one’ for you?

Scenario 3:

How about the crush that you have on ‘Tom’? He’s the man of your dreams and perfect in nearly every way. When you see him, your heart skips a beat and you can hardly breathe. You can listen to his deep manly voice for the whole day. You admire him so much. You’re hoping that he’s the ‘one’, but is he really the ‘one’?

Scenario 4:

You’ve been in a relationship with ‘Ronny’ for a while, but you don’t know if you want to marry him. Would you be happy with Ronny as a husband? If you settle for ‘Ronny’, what if someone better comes along?

I’ve had my own share of confusion when it came to determining who I should marry. It can be pretty stressful at times, especially when you’re not interested in the other person. Before you get manipulated into a marriage; end up choosing unwisely; or waste your precious time and emotions on the wrong man, you need to ask yourself some questions. Also, get your freebie “Religion or Relationship Test – Before You Date or Marry Him” in my resource library.

Here are 6 tests to determine if he’s the ‘one’ for you:

Test 1: What is God saying to you?

Block out the noise and talk to God about ‘Harry’, ‘Jake’, ‘Tom’ or ‘Ronny’. Both persons should feel a sense of God’s peace with a life-altering decision like marriage. If you don’t feel God’s peace about marriage with ‘Harry’, ‘Jake’, ‘Tom’ or ‘Ronny’, do not proceed. Do not pass ‘Go’ on the monopoly board of getting married.

More on ‘Harry’

If ‘Harry’ sincerely believes that God told him that you’ll be his wife, then he needs to be quiet and allow God to speak to you about him. You should be careful of even considering a man who tells you that God says that you should be his wife.

That’s a man who wants to abscond from the hard but important task of pursuing a woman and winning her heart. It’s a lazy short-cut route and also manipulative. It’s not God’s modus operandi to guilt us or manipulate us into marrying a particular person. ‘Harry’ might need some more time to grow.

Test 2: Do your parents like him?

In my young naive years, I didn’t hold my parents’ opinion about my love interest in high regard. If they liked him, then that’s great. If they didn’t, than that would not stop me from marrying him. Good thing I didn’t marry during those naive years.

The switch in my perspective came when I was listening to an audio recording on relationships. The speaker was saying that if you really believe that a person is the ‘one’ for you and your parents don’t like the person, then it’s in your best interest to pray further about it.

The Blessings of Your Parents

God is quite able to change your parents’ heart toward your love interest or change your heart toward him. Either way, I wouldn’t recommend proceeding until your parents are okay with your prospective marriage partner. God is able to do the powerful work of changing hearts which I have seen time and time again.

Marriage is the joining of families and believe me, you want peace and amiable relationships among them. If you don’t have that, it will eventually put unnecessary stress on your marriage. You want your parents and in-laws to be champions of your marriage and not enemies.

Proverbs 21:1 (NKJV) says, ‘the king’s heart is in the hand of the LORD, Like the rivers of water; He turns it wherever He wishes.’ In Ephesians 5:16b (NKJV), it says, ‘the effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.’

It is particularly important that your father approves of him. Our fathers are there to protect us and can easily spot a fraud. If your father is absent for some reason, it would be advisable to allow your brother, uncle or male spiritual leader to play this role in your life. Men can see through other men. You also want your husband-to-be to know that he’s accountable to another man to take good care of you.

Test 3: Is he maturing in godly character?

Is ‘Harry’, ‘Jake’, ‘Tom’ or ‘Ronny’ growing in godly character? Marriage is for the long haul, so you need to open your eyes to soberly discern if your love interest has what it takes to make a good husband. His voice and good looks will eventually wither. However, character becomes richer and sweeter as it grows.

Questions to consider if he’s growing in godly character:

• Is he actively growing in his relationship with God with evident changes in his views and behaviors?
• When things get tough, does it quit?
• Is he a responsible adult?
• How does he deal with conflict?
• Does he say one thing and do the complete opposite?
• Does he make excuses for sinful behaviors?
• What is his reputation among his family, friends and co-workers?

If you’re not sure if he sincerely knows Jesus personally, get your “Religion or Relationship Test – Before You Date or Marry Him”.

Open your eyes before it’s too late. If you’re love struck, love blind or prone to be guilt-motivated, see test 4 (below).

Test 4: What do your spiritually-mature friends think about him?

You may not be seeing clearly, but your friends should have 20-20 laser vision. Once, I nearly considered a man who was not my cup of tea. He was my ‘Jake’. I did pray about it and I decided to seek counsel as well. One of my mentors told me that God also wanted me to love Him with my mind. We cannot make choices based on emotions only. That’ll be a one-sided twisted judgment.

Loving God with our minds involves utilizing our intellect in decision-making. In Matthew 22:37, ‘Jesus replied “Love the Lord Your God with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.”’ After using my brain, I decided that ‘Jake’ wasn’t my complimentary fit. I’ve never regretted that decision although I remained single for at least 10 years after that situation.

When it comes to a life-partner, seeking wise counsel is necessary.

“Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.” Proverbs 15:22

Test 5: Do you like and enjoy the guy?

If you’re going to be spending the rest of your life with him, then it is certainly better if you actually like the guy and enjoy his company. He’ll be in your presence constantly after you marry. After a date with him, you wouldn’t be returning to your parents’ home or a separate house. It’ll be you and him alone 24 hours a day on some days. Does that scare you or are you looking forward to that?

Other questions to ponder:

• Does his presence irritate you?
• Do you look forward to being in his presence?
• Do you laugh together?
• Are you comfortable being yourself around him?
• Do you share similar core convictions?
• Do you admire and respect the man that he is now?
• Does war or peace characterize your current relationship?

I remember liking a guy, but nearly every conversation with him left me exasperated. He was good looking and loved the Lord, but a marriage with him would have yielded more stress than pleasure.

Test 6: Can you do ministry together?

For Christians, marriage goes beyond companionship, sex, having children, and building wealth.  Marriage between a Christian man and woman should be focused on building God’s Kingdom.  

Questions to ask:

• Does he wholeheartedly support your ministry?
• Do you see yourself coming alongside him in his ministry?
• Can you work together well to build God’s Kingdom?

From my observation, serving God together as a couple seems to be a key contributor to a satisfying and lasting marriage.

Related Articles

5 Guys to Consider As Future Husbands

6 Guys To Resist

Summary

If the guy passes the above tests, then perhaps you may have found your complimentary fit. If he fails only one of the above tests, I still would not recommend proceeding because marriage and family are too important to choose a misfit.

Too often, I hear of Christians blaming God for the spouse that they CHOOSE to marry. We should avoid over-spiritualizing important decisions like choosing a spouse. In God’s wisdom and love, He has given us intellect to make prudent decisions.

He has also gifted us with friends and family to protect us from disastrous choices. Ultimately, your choice of a marriage partner is an adult decision and you need to take responsibility for your decisions. You cannot blame God or relinquish that responsibility to others.

What other tests have you used to determine who you should marry? As always, your opinion is crucial. Comment below and share your insights and wisdom. Subscribe and receive your free ‘Know Yourself’ questionnaire and get weekly email tips to help you in your journey to follow Christ.

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With love & laughter,

Kimberly Garth

Get your “Religion or Relationship Test – Before You Date or Marry Him” in my resource library!!!!

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Recommended Books:

Choosing God’s Best: Wisdom for LifeLong Romance by Don Raunikar

For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men by Shaunti Feldhahn