As a single woman, you might be going about your own merry way. But without knowing it, you might live in a particular way or possess certain mindsets that might make a future marriage a bit more difficult for you.
Here are 7 practices to stop before you get married:
1) Stop living alone.
At one point in my life, when I lived alone for about 8 months, I had become quite controlling and self-focused. Believe me, it’s very easy to become like that when you live alone! Beside that period of my life of living alone, I have had over thirteen housemates spanning fifteen years! During those years, I learnt how to live with others beside my immediate family.
When you live alone, you will be the queen of your castle. The longer you stay in that state, the more you will get comfortable with always having your “own” way. Hence. it will be harder for you to adjust to a future husband (if you get married) than for a woman who has been previously living with others.
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Important skills needed to live with a husband:
- Flexibility
- Compromise
- Self-sacrifice
- Conflict resolution
- Sharing your life and your space
Coincidentally, these are just the skills you acquire when you purposefully try to live peacefully with others!
It might be wonderfully comfortable living on your own, but if you plan to smoothly transition into marriage, you might be better prepared sharing your space with others.
I would suggest that you share your living space with a relative or friend.
2) Stop feeding yourself fantasies.
No marriage can compete with chick flick movies or romance novels. Over the years, you would have fed yourself so many fantasies that no good man will be able to meet the knight in shining armour in your head.
If you have a healthy diet of romantic stimuli, try to wean yourself off of them. Otherwise, you’ll have a rude awakening as the realities of marriage set in. He will always be falling short of your ideal. You’ll likely be unhappy and your future husband will, more than likely, feel that he’s falling short.
Viewing a chick flick is good once in while, but taking in too much will set you at a disadvantage if you’re not able to separate fantasy from reality. Intellectually, you might feel you separate the two very well, but in reality, you may yearn for the ideal and as a result, you may be generally disappointed with men.
3) Stop viewing pornography.
Another “killer” of a potential good marriage is pornography. Pornography is another type of fantasy that will destroy your sexual satisfaction with your future husband. The sooner you rid yourself of that vice, the quicker your mind can be renewed with the truth and set yourself up for sexual satisfaction in marriage.
I’ve heard it said that the high from viewing porn is very different from the high from sex with a spouse. Hence, a man/woman could be having regular sex with his/her spouse and still be addicted to pornography. Who can compete with the perfection of a fantasy?
4) Think positively about sex.
Sex is very important and honouring to God (in marriage). It is also quite enjoyable when you have a good mindset toward it. So start preparing your mind to think positively about it and preparing your body for it by taking care of yourself.
Remember that sex has been created by God and it is beautiful. Talk to married women who have a healthy view of sex. If you’re a virgin when you get married, having sex might be your greatest adjustment, but I assure you, it gets better and sweeter as time goes by. Read some good books about sex too (like “Intended for Pleasure” by Ed & Gay Wheat) when the wedding date is close and the Song of Songs in the Bible. Pray about everything … including sex!
5) Stop resisting counseling.
Our world is becoming more unsafe as time goes by. Divorced parents, separation of parents, abuse, incest, rejection, and failed relationships are just a few events that can cause trauma in your life. If the scars are not being healed, you would be unable to mature emotionally. As a result, the difficult seasons in marriage can break you and even destroy your marriage.
After my broken engagement, my close friends suggested that I go for counselling. I personally didn’t see the need for it which I told the counsellor. The visit was more or less a waste of time because I was naive, proud and unaware of my own baggage.
Unfortunately, years later, my rejection issue reared its ugly head and nearly destroyed my relationship with my darling husband during our courtship. Thankfully, God showed me my fears and my husband-to-be was patient with me. If you have had no trauma, praise the Lord. But if you’ve had trust and rejection issues, see a counsellor if you want to have a smooth transition into marriage.
6) Stop looking to men to give you value.
You cannot depend on a man to give you value. Your value comes from God firstly. Then, this gives you the basis for loving and valuing yourself. When a man is pursuing you, he may say all manner of lovely words to win your heart. After marriage, he might still think it, but he may forget to say it or believe that you should be aware of it by then. Furthermore, he might even make hurtful and insensitive comments at times!
What do you do when your husband no longer flatters you as often as before? You remember that you are valuable and your beauty comes from God. You are made in the image and likeness of God. Right now, take good care of yourself. Whether your future husband compliments you or not, you can stand tall because you know who you are and whose you are (God’s daughter). Don’t wait for a man to give you value.
7) Stop being the lord of your life.
Grow in your intimacy with Christ and allow Jesus to be the Lord of your life.
I honestly don’t know how a marriage can succeed without Jesus being at its center. When Jesus is the Lord of your life, it affects how you think, act and feel. It is this anchor that will keep you strong in the midst of adversity; keep you forgiving when you feel that you cannot forgive anymore; keeps you hoping when everyone says to give up; hold your tongue when your natural inclination is to give him a “good” piece of your mind; and much more.
After one year of marriage, a close male friend uttered a profound statement to me, “Marriage is a true test of Christianity.” He went on to say that you have to love, forgive, be merciful, and be gracious over and over again. That goes both ways because you and your future spouse are imperfect beings.
If spending time with God is a way of life, it will likely continue when you get married. It will help fix your bad attitude when you meet with God and He allow you to see things through His lens. Undoubtedly, a woman who allows Jesus to be at her centre will have an easier transition into marriage. If self is at the centre of your life and your flesh rules, you’ll have a very hard time in marriage.
Summary
Marriage is no walk in the park. However, it can be a lot more enjoyable if singles were to soberly think about their current choices and its impact on their marriages in the future. You can wisely prepare for marriage from now, even if there is no “Boaz” in sight.
Are you preparing yourself sufficiently for marriage? What do you need to work on now? What habits and mindsets do you need to change for a successful Christ-honouring marriage?
To recap,
Here are 7 practices to stop before you get married:
- Stop living alone.
- Stop feeding yourself fantasies.
- Stop viewing pornography.
- Think positively about sex.
- Stop resisting counseling.
- Stop looking to men to give you value.
- Stop being the lord of your life.
Thanks for stopping by!
#madeforlove
With love & laughter,
Kimberly Garth
Other Helpful Resources:
4 Easy Questions to Know If You Should Marry Him
10 Practical Ways to Improve Your Chances of Meeting the One
7 Ways A Close Female Friend Can Prepare You For Marriage
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Recommended Books:
Feminine Appeal: Seven Virtues of a Godly Wife and Mother” by Carolyn Mahaney
Lies Young Women Believe: And the Truth that Sets Them Free by Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth & Dannah Gresh
