5 Poor Mindsets to Keep You Single for Long

“Jackie” is turning 42 in two days’ time. She’s taking time to reflect on her past 41 years. She thinks that she should have been married by now. In her mind, she’s single for the following reasons:

1. It is the will of God.
2. There are not enough single Christian men in the church. In her local assembly, she cannot name even one that she can see herself marrying.
3. The single men in her life are not her “cup of tea”.

In Jackie’s eyes, she has the following traits in her favour:

1. She is considered to be spiritually mature.
2. She’s active in her local church.
3. She supports missionaries monthly.
4. She has abstained from sex for the last 20 years.
5. She’s a faithful friend and a good daughter.
6. She earns a decent income.
7. She’s a terrific employee.

Given all her above credentials, Jackie believes that she is doing all the right things. Therefore, her singleness is no “fault” of hers. As such, if marriage is to be in her future, only God will make it happen!

As someone who got married “late” in life, I have learnt a lot as I reflect on my past as a single woman. Like “Jackie”, I had a lot going for me (or so I thought!).

I’ve come to realize that there are a few hindrances to marriage that affect unsuspecting single Christian women.

Here are 5 poor mindsets to keep you single for long:-

1) Men are the problem.

You’d be surprised to learn that some very eligible Christian men are having a difficult time finding a good Christian woman to marry. I personally know at least 13 of them (20s to 50s) and I just started the list today. 😂 However, I know more lovely single women than quality single men.

Therefore, if you have the mindset that “all the good men are taken”, you might very well miss a few good men who are in your life or who may enter your life. No man is perfect, but if you believe that you’re too good for the single quality men around you, you’ll likely stay single for longer than you planned.

Have you ever considered that you might a few blind spots that might hinder a man from actively pursuing you? 🤔 I had quite a bit!

​2) Remaining in your comfort zone.

A mystery guy can come straight to your door and he could be the man of your dreams. 🤷🏽‍♀️ I don’t want to put God in a box, but most people meet their spouses in the course of daily living. Are you ordering your life in such a way that it allows you to meet more people? Have you restricted yourself to being mainly among other women, your relatives and married friends?

If that’s the case, it’s a high chance that you’ll remain single.

​3) Being over-spiritual.

Since you and Jesus have a good relationship, you believe that God will bring the right person when the ideal time comes. There is truth to that. However, you might be ignoring a few key developmental aspects of your life that God would like you to begin working on.

• Are you taking good care of your body? Do you exercise regularly?
• Have you lost the interest in presenting yourself in a physically attractive way? Do you need to see an image consultant?
• Do you know how to engage the heart of a man?
• Are you usually stuck in the friend zone of your male friends?

I was talking to young, Christian man recently (about 30 years old) who clearly exercises and lifts weights. He was asking me why so many single Christian women are not caring for their bodies and not looking physically attractive. And, for the record, you do not need to join a gym to get fit.

​4) Too busy.

If a man is considering a woman to be his wife, a wise man will be evaluating if she has capacity for him and a family. Does she have time? Will she make time? Is he willing to come home to an empty house on most evenings? Having a family requires a considerable time investment. Your presence is required!

Even conceiving children cannot be rushed. If he sees that you don’t have unhurried time for relationships when you’re single or time to simply relax, then he might draw the conclusion that you will not be a suitable wife and mother for him. He’ll settle for your friendship.

​5) Marriage is not a priority for you.

You say that you’re trusting God for a husband, but your decisions don’t reflect this desire. When something is important to us, we make time for it.

If education is important to you, you will probably have at least one degree and already making plans to further your education.

If financial success is your priority right now, you’ll probably buy books; attend seminars, hire a financial coach and the like. You will invest your money where it will likely multiply.

You will take the action steps required for success.

If you’re really serious about getting married, what are you doing right now to prepare yourself for it?

• Are you reading good books on relationships? (romance novels do not count😄)
• Are you asking questions to your male friends to find out how men think in order to improve your relationships with men in general?
• Do you make time to be around married couples so that you can learn what is required to have a good marriage?
• Are you investing in a relationship coach?
• Do you actively attend seminars and conferences to prepare you for marriage?
• Have you invested financially in a dating site? (I don’t recommend the free versions if you want to meet someone through those online dating sites.)

Some single women think that marriage is a priority to them, but it simply is not. It takes time, money and effort to adequately prepare for a lifelong blessed marriage. I heard about a single woman who joined the married women’s group chat of her church because she wanted to learn from the married women. That is wise of her!

6) Not teachable.

This mindset is more prevalent among older singles. Due to life experiences, they think that they know all that there is to know about knowing and loving a man, courtship and marriage. Unless you have journeyed from singleness to marriage, you really do not know much about the aforementioned stages of life and what is required in each of them.

Romance novels and movies are terrible instructors of love and a godly marriage. Also, working with a man is very different from being married to one. My suggestion to you is to place yourself under the tutelage of married Christian women who have a decent marriage where Christ is at the centre of it.

Summary

It is often said that family life is the bedrock of society. When the family unit is destroyed, the health of the nation is severely affected. Therefore, it is not sufficient to desire marriage. You need to adequately prepare for it as well. God has given you this responsibility. You do your part and God will do His part. Marriage is too important to God to be taken lightly.

Have you given up on getting married? Which mindsets have already taken root in you? What are you going to do about changing them?

Reply and let me know your thoughts!

To recap,

Here are 5 poor mindsets to keep you single for long:-

• Men are the problem.
• ​Remaining in your comfort zone.
• ​Being over-spiritual.
• ​Too busy.
• ​Marriage is not a priority for you.
• Not teachable.

Thanks for stopping by!

#madeforlove

With love & laughter,

Kimberly Garth

Other Helpful Resources:

Top 5 Turn-offs for Single Men

5 Crazy Things People Say to Single Women

Single and Disappointed-5 Helpful Tips to Deal With it

Recommended Books:

Ordering Your Private World by Gordon MacDonald

Secret Keeper: The Delicate Power of Modesty by Dannah Gresh

Feminine Appeal: Seven Virtues of a Godly Wife and Mother” by Carolyn Mahaney

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