How to Not Commit Adultery with Your Male Friend

Adultery among Christians happens. As a single Christian woman, what can you do to not commit adultery with your male married friend?

I was reading a post by a single Christian woman on Christian social media group and the responses were very interesting. The wife of her male best friend has asked her to stop sending regular private messages to her husband. The young lady is feeling hurt by the wife’s request.

Most of the responses were:

• The wife is insecure.
• The couple is having marital problems so she shouldn’t feel rejected and hurt by the wife’s request.
• She is more attractive than the wife so the wife must be jealous. (It should be noted that the people responding have no clue what the wife looks like).
• The young lady believes that the wife is being sexist. If she were a man, she would have had no problem with the husband’s private texting with his best friend.

Committed followers of Jesus do not plan to commit adultery.

A heterosexual male will not be attracted to another man, so there is certainly no need for a wife to worry about marital unfaithfulnesses with another man. On the other hand, a friendship with a female friend can very well mature into a romance!

We have enough examples throughout history to support this. So please do not be naive about your friendships with your married male friends.

Adultery can creep up on you.

Adultery happens subtly. For the most part, it happens between two people who already know one another – a co-worker, a boss, a high school sweetheart who has reconnected with you, your friend’s husband, your married pastor, etc. The privacy of communication through a cell phone makes it easier than ever before to build intimacy without anyone knowing. Undoubtedly, adultery starts long before any sexually act occurs.

“But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Matthew 5:28 ESV

You may not be romantically interested in married man now, but under the “right” circumstances, it is actually possible to fall in love with a married male friend (or vice versa) and commit adultery.

Therefore let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall.” 1 Corinthians 10:12

Solution: Implement boundaries now.

When you can think soberly, put proper boundaries in place.

Here are 7 reasons to implement boundaries to not commit adultery:

1. Protect your Christian witness.
2. Protect the marriages of those in your life.
3. Prevent you from falling when you feel vulnerable and tempted to give into your fleshly desires. This also applies to your close male friend.
4. Ensure that you do your part to ensure that the marriages around you are the strongest that they can be.
5. Give no suspicion of marital infidelity to the children involved. This can really traumatise and damage children.
6. Protect the trust between the husband and wife and the resulting security that trust produces in a marriage.
7. Strengthen your relationship with your friend’s wife.

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Here are 6 tips to not commit adultery with your married male friend:

1. Encourage him to be best friends with his wife.

When a couple marries, they should be moving toward oneness in every area of their lives. The relationship between the man and the woman should be the most intimate relationship in each of their lives. Hence, it should take precedence over every other relationship whether it be with a parent, a child, a sibling or a former best friend.

Therefore, it follows that a move toward oneness would mean that they should become each other’s best friend in time. As such, if your male best friend gets married to another woman, it is important that you take a “back seat“.

2. Limit your private communication with your male friend.

At times, you may need to talk with your male friend one-to-one. It might be necessary work-related conversations; a birthday call; a checking-up-on-you call because you care about your friend; tech advice, etc. However, when regular private calls begin to last for hours and the conversations morph into sharing deeply about struggles; issues that either of you are facing; or problems with his wife; then you need to take a step back.

At this point, encourage him to talk with his wife, his brother, his sister, his spiritual leader, a coach, a brother or even a counsellor. For certain, help him to move toward his wife and not you. Please do not think that you’re the only one in the entire world that he can trust with his issues.

3. Try to become closer friends with his wife.

Focus your energy into befriending your friend’s wife. When you call the house, ask to speak with her first from time to time. Take an interest in her and secure her trust. She must feel and know that you are for her and for him. If this is proving difficult, pray about it and ask God to give you wisdom in navigating such a friendship with her. Undoubtedly, the wife should not feel that you are her competition … in any way!

4. Limit the times you are alone with him.

You are not a super Christian. Too many Christians naively place themselves in harm’s way and think that they are stronger than they really are. Then, they fall! If you have more than an ounce of admiration for him and he thinks highly of you, it is better to limit your times when it’s just two of you alone together.

Now, even is he is your friend and there is no attraction whatsoever, it is still wise to protect your Christian witness. Contrary to what some Christians believe, you do not live for yourself alone. Life is not about you. Your choices will impact what others think about Christ. As such, others are looking at your life to decide if Christ makes a difference or not.

“So do not let what you regard as good be spoken of as evil.” Romans 14:16 ESV

‘For, as it is written, “The name of God is blasphemed among the Gentiles because of you.”’ Romans 2:24 ESV

For instance, my deceased pastor left his office door opened when he was counselling. This measure was to safeguard his character, the character of the person being counselled and ultimately, the name of Christ. Never once was it said that he behaved inappropriately with anyone. He gave no opportunity for the anyone to assassinate his character or the mighty name of God.

5. Dress appropriately.

I don’t know if we, women, understand the extent of a man’s natural inclination to become sexually aroused by a woman’s body… simply by looking. Since we are not men, it is difficult for us to sympathise and restrict our sensual desire to show the world our shapeliness and our sexiness. After-all, “why men cannot control themselves?.” But God understands (since He made the male man), so He made it very clear in His Word that we should dress modestly.

“… likewise also that women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire, but with what is proper for women who profess godliness—with good works.” 1 Timothy 2:9-10

Therefore, if you truly love your male friend and you want to protect his marriage, please dress modestly. Instead, “adorn yourself with good works.”

Suppose you get invited to spend the night at your married friend’s house, here are some practical tips:

1. Leave your sexy revealing lingerie and see-through silky robe at home.
2. Don’t go from the bathroom to the guest room wrapped in your towel.
3. Don’t seek to have alone time with your male friend. Make it a family affair. Include his wife in the conversations.
4. Watch your mannerisms and bury any flirtatious inclinations that you might have toward men in general.

Behave in a manner that you would expect from a female invited guest around your future husband.

6. Discern if attraction is developing.

You’re a woman and he’s a man. Attraction could develop. If you sense that you’re becoming attracted to a married man, reduce your interactions with him until you can handle those emotions well. Don’t fool yourself under any circumstances.

On the other hand, if you sense that he’s becoming attracted to you, then put some distance between you two. Just because he’s married, it doesn’t mean that he will not be attracted to another woman ever again in life.

Summary

As Christians, we must daily die to self to glorify Christ in our lives. It is not easy, but very possible and satisfying when we choose to act in the highest interest of our married friends. You may not plan to commit adultery, but it can happen if you’re not careful.

Instead of saying, “I wish I had”, I hope you’ll be saying, “I’m glad I did.” Implement these boundaries and you’ll have a good chance of not committing adultery and protecting the marriages around you.

“I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” Galatians 2:20

In what ways can you protect the marriages around you? Comment below!

To recap, here are 6 tips to not commit adultery with your married male friend:

1. Encourage him to be best friends with his wife.
2. Limit your private communication with your male friend.
3. Try to become closer friends with his wife.
4. Restrict the times you are alone with him.
5. Dress appropriately.
6. Discern if attraction is developing.

Thanks for stopping by!

#madeforlove

With love & laughter,

Kimberly Garth

Other Helpful Resources:

When He Loves Someone Else – 7 Clever Tips to Move On

When Your Best Friend Gets Married | 6 Tips to Keep Your Friendship Alive

When Your Ex Boyfriend Has a New Girlfriend | 7 Tips to Cope Well

Recommended Books:

Hedges: Loving Your Marriage Enough to Protect It by Jerry B Jenkins

Secret Keeper: The Delicate Power of Modesty by Dannah Gresh

Recommended Reading Device (LOVE IT!):