“Carla” has been a Christian for roughly 15 years. She had recently moved to a church closer to her new residence. Under the leadership of her previous church, she received a lot of leadership training and coaching which helped her and the team to successfully lead the young adults ministry for several years. With a love for young adults and feeling that she could be a blessing to her new church, she approached the lead pastor and expressed her interest in helping.
The pastor was enthused about Carla’s willingness to help and immediately connected her with “Rachel” who was one of the main leaders of the young adults ministry. “Carla” sensed that “Rachel” wasn’t exactly thrilled about her presence, but she dismissed it. Subsequently, she also met with “Jessica”, another leader of the young adults ministry.
Then, one day, “Jessica” contacted “Carla” about attending a planning meeting for the young adults ministry. “Jessica” offered to give her a ride to the meeting. “Carla” looked forward to the meeting and she was equally excited to possibly make new friends with the other committee members. When they both arrived, “Carla” observed a little tête-à-tête between “Jessica” and “Rachel”. Then, “Jessica” made her way to “Carla” to inform her that she could not be in the meeting. She offered to take “Carla” back home.
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“Carla” was shocked and disappointed. Why did this happen? She felt both embarrassed and hurt. Was “Rachel” threatened by her? “Carla” was never given the opportunity to serve the young adults ministry during the few years she spent at that church.
Here are 5 tips to deal with Christians who hurt you:
1) Acknowledge the wrong done.
Call a spade a spade, but ensure that you are evaluating the wrong based on the Word of God. I would not recommend apologising just for the sake of making peace. Neither you nor the person will grow. Truth is what sets us free and not “coverups.”
If the conflict arose because of a difference of opinion, let it slide.
2) Forgive the person.
You might be saying, “That’s easier said than done.” It is downright difficult at times, but I can assure you that God helps with the impossible when we are willing.
In my life, I have experienced having a hard heart toward different people … from family to friends to co-workers to acquaintances. Then, I would pray a simple prayer to God like this, “Lord, I know I need to forgive XXXXX, so please help me. Pour the love of God into my heart through your Holy Spirit (based on Romans 5:5)”. I kid you not. Without fail, God begins to melt my heart toward the other person.
I have found that the key to living a supernatural life is having a willingness to obey God, whether I feel like it or not, whether it makes sense to me or not.
3) Determine your part in the conflict.
With the help of the Holy Spirit, ask Him to show you your part in the conflict. “It takes two to tango.” A conflict is rarely one-sided. For example, it may mean that you want to be a people-pleaser so much, that you have little or no boundaries in your relationships.
Perhaps, the other person was initially in the wrong, but your reaction was poor. You gave into your flesh. Have you ever felt that you should keep quiet, but something in you says, “Say it, Say it!” Oftentimes, that is your flesh speaking!
Or, you decide to give the person the silent treatment. You know it’s not kind or loving, but you allow your flesh to control you rather than the Spirit of the living God.
This reminds me of the account concerning Cain in Genesis 4:7.
“Why are you angry,” said the LORD to Cain, “and why has your countenance fallen? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you refuse to do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires you, but you must master it.” – Genesis 4:7
What then is the solution to mastering your fleshly tendencies? Seek to walk in the Spirit continually!
“But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. 17 For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do.” Galatians 5:16-17
4) Be gracious.
It is a big misconception that a person becomes perfect (or close to it) after coming to Christ. Intellectually, we know it’s not possible, but we still expect all Christians to behave like saints all the time.
We don’t expect a Christian to lie.
We don’t expect a Christian to be unkind.
We don’t expect a Christian to manipulate.
We don’t expect a Christian to be abusive.
And on and on ….
However, the process of sanctification is a lifelong process. In a strange way, we expect others to be gracious to us when we offend them, but we are often less willing to be merciful and gracious when we are the recipient of bad or unfair behaviour from our Christian brothers and sisters. (Read The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant in Matthew 18:21-35)
Although I would never recommend becoming a doormat, I believe that we should all strive to become healthier Christians, while at the same time, having a heart and mind to be patient with others as they mature in their faith because other Christians are also on a journey to maturity.
5) God is using the situation to mature you!
Believe it or not, every time you have a conflict, it’s an opportunity for you to become more like Christ. A person can know the Bible inside and out; be in full-time ministry; demonstrate supernatural gifts of the Spirit (you can add more), but if he/she has great difficulty loving people, the person has a lot more maturing to do.
“For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Galatians 5:14
Summary
When you’re in a conflict with another believer, seek the Holy Spirit to find out what God might be saying to you about Himself, yourself, the other person and the Body of Christ. Don’t allow the situation to make you bitter, but allow it to grow your love for God and other Christians. That’s only possible with the help of God.
At this time, God might be simply asking you to lift the brother or sister in prayer or He might be leading you to talk to the person. Seek Him for direction for each step of the journey. But reconciliation is the way forward.
“By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” John 13:35 ESV
Instead of saying, “Woe unto me” when you’re hurt. I challenge you to seek God and find out how He wants to use the situation to mature you.
To recap,
Here are 5 tips to deal with Christians who hurt you:
- Acknowledge the wrong done.
- Forgive the person.
- Determine your part in the conflict.
- Be gracious.
- God is using the situation to mature you!
Thanks for stopping by!
#madeforlove
With love & laughter,
Kimberly Garth
Other Helpful Resources:
8 Tips to Become Better and NOT Bitter After Heartbreak
9 Powerful Prayers Every Single Woman Should Pray
6 Reasons Why God Has You Waiting This Long (YouTube Video)
Single & Disappointed | 5 Helpful Tips to Deal with It (YouTube Video)
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Recommended Books:
Brokenness, Surrender, Holiness: A Revive Our Hearts Trilogy
Ordering Your Private World by Gordon MacDonald
