How Far is Too Far? 6 Revealing Questions to Ask Yourself

This will definitely be a controversial topic! But I’m going ahead with it in full force!:)

You’re in a relationship with “Charlie” and you are intensely attracted to each other. As you spend time together, you want to get close… physically and sexually close. When you sit together, not even a sand fly can pass through.  You want to touch, kiss and even indulge a little more. But how far is too far?

Here is a list of actions that couples might engage in prior to marriage:

• Holding hands 
• Hugging (slight hug to tight embrace)
• Petting
• Kissing (peck on the cheeks to ‘tongue’ kissing)
• Sexting
• Touching breasts and other sexual organs
• Oral sex
• Anything else of which you can think …

I too have asked this question when I entered a relationship.  How far can we go before we step outside God’s established boundaries for singles?

The answer to this question comes from examining who God is (His character, nature and person) as revealed in the Bible and His biblical principles.

However, a better question is “how can you honor God in your relationship?”  Also, it is important to note that all of us are different in terms of our responses to physical touch. As a result, you need to answer the questions based on who you are and who he is.

Here are six revealing questions to ask “how far is too far?” in a romantic relationship:

1) Are you being loving?

God is love.  As a follower of Jesus, love should guide all of our decisions with our fiancé or boyfriend.  Simply put, love is acting in the best interest of the other person.  

1 Thessalonians 4:1-8 speaks of sexual immorality and says,  that ”no one should take advantage of and defraud his brother in this matter.“ (Defrauding means causing someone to step outside God’s established boundaries.) 

One of God’s boundaries is that sex should be experienced within marriage.  If you actively arouse him and you cannot honorably fulfill him as a single Christian woman, then you’re not acting lovingly toward him. You’re not honoring God either.

Are you behaving in his best interest?  Would it be better if you had refrained from that particular act? 

‘You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love. The entire law is summed up in a single command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”’ Galatians 5:13-14 NIV

Suppose you and your fiancé were to break up … 

• Would you be at peace knowing that you shared certain intimate acts with him?
• What would your future husband want you to do with another man? (Hint: nothing!)
• What would you want your own future husband to do with another woman?
• Have you considered how your present actions might impact his future wife?

2) Is it pure?

Can the particular act qualify as pure?  In Josh McDowell’s “The Bare Facts: 39 Thought Provoking Questions Your Parents Hope You Never Ask About Sex” , he describes purity as “to live according to original design.”  God’s original design for sex (including foreplay) is for oneness between a husband and a wife. 

God wants you to embrace his original design for sex and everything related to it.  As a daughter of God, you want to keep yourself pure. 

Check God’s Word; learn about His nature and character; and decide for yourself. God is pure and holy and as such, you also need to relate to the man you love in a similar way. 

3) Is your body being prepared for sex?

How does your body feel when you engage in certain acts?  What are the changes taking place?  Are your genitals being prepared for the penetration by a man?  If you cannot go further, why are you intentionally turning yourself on (and the man you love)?

Two sex therapists, Masters and Johnson, coined the term “sexual-response cycle” to describe all aspects of sexual activity.  There are four phases, namely, excitement, plateau, orgasm and resolution.  According to Masters and Johnson, there’s no recognizable beginning and end, but the entire sexual response process is continuous. 

4) Do you feel God’s peace?

If you feel guilty after a particular act, then it’s a warning sign that you shouldn’t indulge in that action.  To be stricken with guilt is not worth any amount of pleasure.  To others around you, it may seem trivial, but to you, it is significant. 

Also, would you feel ashamed if others were to find out that you were engaged in [fill in physical/sexual act]?

“The faith that you have, keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the one who has no reason to pass judgment on himself for what he approves. But whoever has doubts is condemned if he eats, because the eating is not from faith. For whatever does not proceed from faith is sin.” Romans 14:22-23 ESV

5) Will your actions cause a younger Christian to stumble?

Could you safely say to a younger believer “do as I do”, knowing that she will be blessed by God if she follows you. Others are looking at you and in particular, a younger woman is taking her cue from you.  As such, she’s looking to see what she should and shouldn’t do from your example. 

Instead of surrendering to your own desires, hold a high standard of sexual purity so that other young women can see that it is possible and desirable.  Even if you have blown it in the past, from now on, you can be a shining example for others to follow.

“Do not, for the sake of food, destroy the work of God. Everything is indeed clean, but it is wrong for anyone to make another stumble by what he eats. It is good not to eat meat or drink wine or do anything that causes your brother to stumble.” Romans 14:20-21 ESV

6) Will your actions cause unbelievers to blaspheme God?

As a follower of Jesus Christ, you do not exist for yourself.  God has allowed you to remain on this earth to be a blessing to this fallen world.  Therefore, you need to intentionally use your words, actions and lifestyle to impact others for Him.

Freedom in Christ is not a license to live carelessly and selfishly.  

“For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.” Galatians 5:13 ESV

Summary 

Physical touch is an important love language that we all need. The extent of that expression between you and him will depend on your answers to the above questions. Each person is different so you need to decide for yourself what you will and will not do.

As we were ushered into the age of sexual freedom, sexual foreplay was separated from sexual intercourse to our deception and detriment.  As a consequence, Christians indulge in more foreplay now before marriage than in the past.  When you hear Christians say that “it just happened,” they have convinced themselves that sex was not involved while they were engaging in foreplay.

I’ve often observed that, for the most part, the woman is the one who sets the boundaries.  Most men, even Christian men will go as far as the women would allow. It’s a sad reality, but nevertheless a true state of affairs.  Therefore, you need to guard yourself and the man who has captured your heart. Although you have freedom in Christ, you need to behave responsibly and lovingly toward him and yourself.

To recap, here are six revealing questions to ask “how far is too far:

1. Are you being loving?
2. Is it pure?
3. Is your body being prepared for sex?
4. Do you feel God’s peace?
5. Will your actions cause a younger Christian to stumble?
6. Will your actions cause unbelievers to blaspheme God?

What are your views on “how far is too far”?  I would love to hear them, so please comment below.

Thanks for stopping by!

#madeforlove

With love & laughter,

Kimberly Garth

Other Helpful Resources:

6 Reasons Why Virginity is STILL Wonderful

7 Tips to Win at Sexual Purity

5 Rare Qualities Mature Christian Men Want

Recommended Books:

“The Bare Facts: 39 Thought Provoking Questions Your Parents Hope You Never Ask About Sex” by Josh McDowell

“Sex and The Soul of a Woman: How God Restores the Beauty of Relationship from the Pain of Regret” by Paula Rinehart