5 Signs Fear of Rejection is Destroying Your Love Life

Are you allowing your fear of rejection to destroy your love life? 

You have had a few disappointments with love. Either you thought your budding friendship with “Charles” would result in a marriage partner, but it never matured into anything. Or, you’ve had a few failed relationships that left you with a broken heart. You’re close to giving up the idea of marriage altogether and becoming a nun! You’re fed-up with feeling hurt and rejected.

Then … “Philip” arrives on the scene. He’s just the kind of man that you’ve been praying for. But …you’re afraid. What if it doesn’t work out this time? Should you end it before it even begins to save yourself from getting hurt again? Is love even worth the pain?

Most of us have experienced some level of rejection in our interactions with men at some point in time.

These are some common causes:

• You’re interested in a guy and it’s not reciprocated.
• Your former boyfriend ends the relationship and you felt betrayed.
• You and your former boyfriend agree to end it.
• You have been rejected by your biological father.

According to John Eckhardt in “Destroying the Spirit of Rejection: Receive Love and Acceptance and Find Healing”, the two main symptoms of rejection are fear and pride. 

‘Fear says, “I can no longer trust anyone. I have been hurt too badly, so I am afraid of commitment and close relationships.” Pride says. “I can do better by myself. Everyone has hurt me, and because of that I don’t need anyone in my life. I don’t need help. I can make it on my own.”’ – John Eckhardt

The fear of rejection can destroy your love life before a relationship begins or even has had a chance to blossom into marriage. 

My story

I was going along my merry way and enjoying my singleness (for the most part). From time to time, I earnestly prayed, “Lord, I’m ready to be married, so would you please bring my husband-to-be in my life?” (not the exact words!).

Finally, God answered my prayer! What I did not expect was my reaction to my “Phillip’s” pursuit. After waiting for a considerable amount of time for a wonderful man, one would think that I wouldn’t reject him. My behavior was quite the opposite. My fear of rejection (which I never knew I had) began to surface. It nearly destroyed our future together as husband and wife. It’s a good thing that I came to my senses before it was too late.

Here are some of the signs that your fear of rejection might destroy your love life:

1) You keep him at arm’s length.

Just like the other men in your life, you’re not sure that he can be trusted with your heart. Suppose he’s like your father or like “James” who broke your heart. Since you cannot trust him, you cannot be completely yourself around him. You cannot risk being vulnerable and allowing him into your heart. As a consequence, you keep him at a distance and also, keep true love away.

2) You cannot commit.

He is a dream come true. Undoubtedly, he has his faults, but his reputation and character sets him apart. He’s a treasure among men. You don’t want to lose him. But, at the same time, you’re afraid of either committing to an official relationship, courtship, engagement or even marriage. For you, another level of commitment might spell disaster and ruin a good thing. So, you remain in a safe comfort zone.

The level of comfort differs with each person. A woman with a fear of commitment might even make it to the altar, but she usually has “divorce” as a readily available option. 

3) You threaten to end the relationship frequently.

At the first sign of a conflict, you are ready to end the relationship. You want to protect your heart at all costs. Before your heart gets broken by him, you plan to break his heart first. Intellectually, you know that all healthy couples have disagreements, but at this point, you’re thinking only with your heart and not with your head. As a result, you’re unable to handle conflict maturely. Your only means of resolution is ending it or threatening to end it.

4) You make it clear that you don’t really need him.

He feels like he’s ‘walking on egg shells’ around you. Whenever there is a serious disagreement, not only do you threaten to end the relationship, but you also inform him that he’s not necessary. You let him know that you were happy being single before him and you’ll be just as happy without him. Christ is more than enough for you. What respectable man would want to be treated that way?

It’s good for a man to know that Christ is your number one. However, if your motive is one of pride (a symptom of rejection), it will only make the relationship unstable. If God resists the proud and gives grace to the humble (1 Peter 5:5), you’ll also find yourself “solo” if you continue in that vein. 

I gave my “Phillip” a very hard time. Every time we had a major disagreement, I told him, “we’re still single and we are not obligated to each other. If we were to end it now, it’ll be fine with me.” My fear of rejection, which I developed from my first broken relationship, reared its ugly head. Thankfully, God used him to help me to overcome rejection. 

5) You compare him with your former boyfriend(s).

He is beginning to feel that he is walking in the shadow of every man who has ever broken your heart. He’s not being given a fair chance. Thus, he feels that he cannot make a mistake, because he may remind you of “James”.

In a moment of conflict, he somehow morphs into “James” and your heartache and disappointment are compounded. Misery will be your own doing until you learn to separate these two men in your heart and mind.

My “Happily Ever After”

At one particular junction, I knew that if I didn’t change, it would have destroyed this loving healthy relationship for which I prayed. I had to change or lose him. It took that reality check for me to stop rejecting him. From that time onward, I stopped threatening to leave when things got difficult for me emotionally. I’m extremely grateful for his persistence in loving me despite my “ugliness”.

Summary

Fear of rejection can protect your heart from further rejection. Unfortunately, it can also keep love out where true healing and deliverance can come. A good relationship (brotherly or romantic) can restore your faith in men … if you were to embrace it.

Unconditional love is foundational for our survival and rejection is its enemy. A fear of rejection can cause you to behave in the following manner: keep “Phillip” at arm’s length; prevent you from making a greater commitment; end the relationship every time serious disagreements occur; communicate to him that you don’t need him; and unfairly compare him with your former boyfriends.

We all wish that relationships would be easier, but in a fallen world, all of us hurt people that we love. Your past disappointments in relationships can ruin your love life if you’re not aware of your rejection issues and if you do not actively deal with your baggage. Sometimes, you’re not even aware of the depth of your “baggage”. But ask the Holy Spirit to reveal to you what is happening in your heart. He might use a guy to show you just that! If we would choose to go through the process, the benefits would far outweigh the stresses. 

To recap, here are some of the signs that your fear of rejection might destroy your love life:

You …

1. Keep him at arm’s length.
2. Cannot commit.
3. Threaten to end the relationship frequently.
4. Make it clear that you don’t really need him.
5. Compare him with your former boyfriend(s).

What other signs of rejection might destroy a person’s love life? You can share from your experiences or those around you. Please comment below.

Thanks for stopping by!

#madeforlove

With love & laughter,

Kimberly Garth

Other Helpful Resources:

8 Tips to Become Better and NOT Bitter After Heartbreak 

6 Blind Spots Keeping Love Away

Recommended Books:

“Destroying the Spirit of Rejection: Receive Love and Acceptance and Find Healing” by John Eckhardt

“Excuse Me … Your Rejection is Showing” by Noel Gibson and Phil Gibson