Penny and Jake agreed to end their two-year relationship. Although it was difficult for both of them, they felt that they were not the best fit for one another. From time to time, their paths would cross and it was always pleasant. Then, one day “out of the blue”, Jake called Penny to inform her that he has a new girlfriend and he wants to marry her.
Penny is flabbergasted! She just didn’t see that coming. Penny’s ex boyfriend has a new girlfriend!😲
My experience …
After my relationship with “Tom” finally ended, I felt that it was a very wise decision. I heard that “Tom” was downtrodden about our breakup and secretly, I was glad that he was suffering a bit.🙈 Then, shortly after the breakup, I heard through “the grapevine” that he was already seeing someone else. I couldn’t believe my ears! “So soon, “ I thought. But that didn’t ruffle my feathers too much. Then …
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About a year later, he called me out of respect, to tell me that he was getting married to her. I was downright upset! On one hand, I didn’t want to be with him and on the other hand, it hurt that he was moving along his merry way and marrying someone else.
How do you cope when your ex boyfriend (or fiancé) gets a new girlfriend, especially if he is planning to marry her? At times like these, you need to dig deep to unearth what you really feel about the situation. To help you, get my “14 Reflection Questions to Discover Your True Feelings Worksheet” which is in my resource library.
Here are 6 tips to cope with the situation:
1) Don’t deny your feelings when your ex boyfriend has a new girlfriend.
If you are sincerely happy when your ex boyfriend has a new girlfriend, I applaud you for your maturity. That kind of mindset totally evaded me! I was experiencing rejection and pain! I wanted him to suffer a little. If you are like me, just call “a spade a spade”.
Come to terms with the fact that you are jealous, upset, angry, disappointed and not happy about the turn of events. It is better to be honest with yourself about your true feelings. Denying your feelings will not make them disappear.
2) Cry out to God about what you are going through.
God is the best person with whom you can be totally vulnerable. He already knows your thoughts and your heart condition. As such, I would even go a step further to ask Him to show you why the news has been so devastating for you.
On the surface, you might think that you know yourself well. But you might actually be oblivious, in denial, skirt around issues or not willing to deal with deep issues. (Get my 14 reflection questions).
In order to get healing and be able to move on, you need the Holy Spirit to shine His light and reveal the truth about what you think about yourself, God, and your ex. It took over fifteen years for me to realise that I had rejection issues from the break-up with my first boyfriend. Ladies, the sooner you get healing, the healthier you will be when you relate with other men. No kidding! Get the reflection questions!
Also, God is the only one I know who can heal a heart thoroughly. He heals the broken-hearted. Undoubtedly, He can enable you to love when hate seems like the natural reaction. Kneel at the feet of Jesus and pour out your heart to Him. Allow his healing balm to heal every sore part of your heart. As a matter of fact, trust God to help you to come to the point where you are truly happy for him. God is a master of impossibilities.
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3
3) Release him.
You cannot undo the past. Also, I wouldn’t recommend trying to destroy his new relationship or pleading with him to take you back. Move forward and allow him to enjoy his new girlfriend. You can even do the counter-cultural gesture of praying for him and his new relationship. Ask God to help you to have a healthy attitude toward his new girlfriend with the aim of befriending her if given the opportunity and at the right time.
Even if you think that she’s a poor choice for him, I would still suggest praying for him and for his eyes to be opened. However, any effort to destroy his relationship is likened to you playing God. A more productive and profitable alternative is to entrust the matter into God’s capable hands.
4) Write a letter to him (which you will discard).
Years after the only breakup of my life, I realized that I had unresolved issues related to the failure of the relationship. Based on the recommendation of a book, I sat down and penned a very long letter to my ex boyfriend. It was extremely liberating.
In that letter, I articulated feelings and thoughts that I had never expressed to another person or even myself for that matter. It allowed me to understand myself and come to terms with my hurt and anger. Remember, the breakup was mutual so I never realized the damage the relationship had done within me.
Ladies, pen a letter to your ex, expressing all that you would have loved to say to him. Hold nothing back. Go deep and go wide. Write to your heart’s content. Stop, cry and continue if you need to. Although it was years after the breakup when I wrote that letter, I cried a whole heap and came to terms with the pain that I had hidden for years (or rather unaware of). However, this letter is only for your eyes and not his. If you don’t know what to write, get my 14 Reflection Questions to Discover Your True Feelings Worksheet.
5) Forgive and be gracious to yourself.
An ex boyfriend represents a different reality for each of us. You might be saying “good riddance” or you wish the relationship had not ended or somewhere in between.
However, to all of us, a breakup represents loss.
Some of the losses that a failed relationship might bring are:
- Time lost due to the relationship;
- Loss of self because you made sacrifices for the relationship or compromised who you are or your convictions;
- Your dream marriage or wedding did not take place. You are now back to the drawing board of finding your beloved;
- Missed opportunities to meet someone else because you wasted your time on your ex boyfriend; and
- Loss of your first kiss, your virginity or any level of sexual intimacy that you wish you had reserved for the man you will marry one day.
You might be blaming yourself for giving parts of yourself to him and for the investments that you made into the relationship. Whatever the loss is, it is important that you forgive yourself.
Also, don’t compare yourself with his new girlfriend or envy the relationships of others. You have to go through your own process and deal with your own issues. During this time, be gracious to yourself and don’t rush the process. Don’t worry, my friend, nothing is ever wasted with God. Eventually, good will come out of this.
“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28
6) Talk with someone about it.
God has made us for relationships and it is never healthy to do life alone. Talk with a good friend or a relative who will listen with attentive ears. You will feel much better as you begin to articulate your feelings about your ex boyfriend having a new girlfriend. You don’t need to be ashamed of your feelings. Ask them to keep you in prayer.
7) Journal your process.
For most of us, our healing will not come overnight. When you see the new couple, you might wish that the earth will swallow you up (or even better .. them!😂) As you become aware of the different emotions during this time, journal about it. Use my 14 Reflection Questions to Discover Your True Feelings to help you. Don’t hold back any emotion. Let it all out (on paper). In essence, this will help you to determine why you are feeling the way that you do and then you can give it to God.
Related articles:
6 Tips to End a Relationship Well
Are you in an Unhealthy Relationship? 8 Signs
Summary
Breakups are downright difficult because you share yourself and your past with someone who no longer has that position in your life. However, salt is added to the injury when your ex has a new girlfriend or worse, he’s getting married to her. Without a doubt, it usually hurts more when you don’t have a new boyfriend/fiancé in the picture.
The above tips might help you as you cope with your disappointment. Remember, ladies, you are special. Just because it didn’t work out with your ex boyfriend, it doesn’t mean that you are unworthy or unattractive. God has your back!
Your experience …
If you have ever experienced a breakup, how did it impact you when you found out that your ex boyfriend has a new girlfriend? Was it a painful process or was it a breeze for you? What tips would you give to other women who might be having a hard time? Thanks for stopping by!
#madeforlove
With love & laughter,
Kimberly Garth
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Honestly, I don’t have any tips atm but what I can say is that it ia currently a painful process for me. I was sad to find out because it was out of the blue but more so because i just want him happy. I don’t think there was ever a point in my life where I didn’t want the best for him or for him to be happy. Just wished I got a better heads up. Thanks for your tips though. I know God is able to heal and things will be fine. It just takes time.
Yes, “Just a Petals Bloom Favourite”(😂), I understand that if you had gotten a better “heads up”, the news would have been less shocking and more palatable. Glad that you want the best for him. Praying for your healing:)
All I can say really is that THIS IS AN AWESOME READ!! Wow, incredibly insightful, raw honesty but yet keeps you anchored to the source who is God, our Heavenly Father. I honestly cannot relate because haven’t experienced a break-up but oh the feels! I can only imagine and I do get it. It is tough. This blog post is a great resource that I hope helps all women who have gone through or going through this. You will make it through ok! Will be praying 🙂
Thanks for your feedback, Jem! I think it is also applicable for women who have been/are in a “situationship” and the guy gets a girlfriend or marries someone else. That is also heartbreaking! Glad that you haven’t gone through a breakup and I hope you wouldn’t have to:)