How to Carefully Choose a Close Female Friend | 5 Tips

You’ve had a few disappointing friendships with Christian women, but you’re ready to try again.  “Carly” joined your Bible study group a few months ago. She seems like a genuine person. Is “Carly” the kind of person you should let into your confidence?  Can you choose her to become your close female friend?

Believe me, choosing the right female friend is very crucial.  If you don’t, you may find yourself having a perpetual headache!

Here are 5 practical tips to carefully choose a close female friend:

1) She has had a life-changing encounter with Jesus.

Just because a person says that she’s a Christian, it does not mean that her life has been changed by Him.  There are religious Christians and in contrast, there are Christians who actually have a personal relationship with Jesus.  

For the latter, the Holy Spirit comes into a woman’s heart and she’ll become more like Jesus over time.  She will never be the same again.  Everything about her will begin to change (slowly but surely) – her values, opinions, conversations, decisions, and the like.   This, my friend, will affect your friendship.

It is fine and important to be friends with non-Christians, but for a very close friendship, your friend should have a similar devotion to Christ.  

“Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers;” Psalm 1:1 ESV

You want a GROWING Christian as a close female friend because she can:

• Pray for you and with you when you’re discouraged; need healing, need a financial breakthrough, etc; 
• Hold you accountable to God’s holy standards;
• Give you sound biblical advice;
• Encourage and challenge you to grow in your relationship with God;
• Connect you with other like-minded Christians;
• Accompany you to events that will cause you to grow holistically;
• Do ministry together;

If you meet a Christian female friend who has had a life-transforming encounter with Christ, but refuses to grow up, forget being close friends with her.  Since you cannot be bosom buddies with 2-year old toddler, in a similar way, you cannot expect to be close friends with an adult woman who prefers to remain like a child.  That kind of person needs a different type of relationship.

2) Observe her life.

When I went to Israel on a study tour, I learnt a very interesting fact.  Jesus actually knew the disciples before he chose them!  I always thought that they were some random strangers.  You see, Nazareth was a small village, although it has changed since then.

Like Jesus, before you decide to make someone your close friend, spend time observing her lifestyle.  Undoubtedly, a fake person will eventually come out of the shadows.  On the other hand, a genuine person will remain consistent.

Things to observe:

• What does she post on social media about her relationships?
• Does she have a good reputation of being a good friend?
• Has she left a string of broken friendships behind?
• Is she reliable?
• Does she walk in integrity where her Christian values are aligned with the rest of her life?
• What does she say about her other friends?

3) She must also want a close friendship with you.

It makes no sense seeking a close friendship with someone and the feelings are not mutual.  You are wasting your precious time, energy and emotions.  For a close friendship to happen, the sentiments must be mutual.  

As I mentioned in last week’s post (8 Crucial Mindsets for Having a Female Best Friend), I wanted to be “Sue’s” best friend and “Sue” preferred “Joyce”.  As a teenager, it broke my heart.

4) Allow the friendship to blossom in its own time.

A good solid friendship will take years to develop.  Some relationships will form faster than others, but it might be wise to take your time.  Get to understand yourself and your friend.  Grow together over time.

If you have a tendency to get emotionally attached to your friends too intensely and too quickly, it shows that you’re too needy.  As such, your neediness may eventually ruin the friendship and make you absolutely miserable.  

Just like with a romantic relationship with a man, no female friend can fill the void in your life that only Jesus can fill.  Jesus is the only one who can actually fulfill his promise to never leave us (Matthew 28:20b) and to satisfy your deepest desire for intimacy.  To look to another human will only spell disappointment and disaster.

5) Listen to the way she speaks of others.

As a woman, you can tend to ignore this.  Perhaps, you feel a sense of importance that you’ve become her confidante.  But listen carefully to the way she speaks of her other friends.  

Even if your friend is relaying a story, you can generally sense her motives.  Does she want advice to work things through? Or does she intend to simply tarnish the character of others?  If she gossips about her other “good” friends, eventually she’ll do it to you.  So be aware!

Related articles:

8 Crucial Mindsets for Having a Female Best Friend

5 Crazy Things People Say to Single Women

Are you or your friend emotionally mature?

Although you’re sincerely seeking to grow in your relationship with God, you find that your friendships are always filled with drama and turmoil.  Check out “Emotional Maturity versus Emotional Maturity” checklist and discover if you or your friend is struggling emotionally.  That might be the reason why it’s more stressful than satisfying!  

Summary

Friendships with other women can be a joy or a pain.  Like any good relationship, choosing the right person solves half of the problems.  No one is perfect.  If you want to mature in every area of your life with your relationship with God as the centre, you need a kindred spirit in a close girlfriend.

“Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” Proverbs 27:17 ESV

In conclusion, here are five tips to carefully choose a close female friend:

1. She has had a life-changing encounter with Jesus.
2. Observe her life.
3. She must also want a close friendship with you.
4. Allow the friendship to blossom in its own time.
5. Listen to the way she speaks of others.

In your own life, what were the signs that someone could be a good female friend?  If you have a close female friend, what caused you to choose one another? Please comment below and help inspire and encourage strong healthy friendships among Christian women!

If you haven’t subscribed already, what are you waiting for?!?  Join the Petals Bloom movement of radical Christian women who are determined to allow Christ to permeate every aspect of our lives.  

When you subscribe, you will receive a weekly email sharing tips and challenges to help you grow in your relationship with God and others.  You can always unsubscribe if it’s not your “cup of tea”. You’ll also receive your free “Emotional Maturity versus Emotional Maturity” checklist.  Feel free to introduce yourself when you receive my first email! Thanks for stopping by!:)

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With love,

Kimberly 

Recommended books:

“Emotionally Healthy Spirituality: It’s Impossible to be Spiritually Mature, While Remaining Emotionally Immature” by Peter Scazzero

“Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You And Avod Those That Aren’t” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

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